Awful awful times

[Crazyoldlife]

Hi all, well long story short as poss. Partner is seperated and has child. He has been in process of slowest moving divorce forever. He is scared to loose contact time with child thats why divorce takes ages as he thinks itl go to court because of his partner etc. whatever! Anyway I'm pregnant. We have huge rows, he promised me he'd get divorced but hasn't, he also has bad finances and stressful job. Huge rows involve him getting in my face, hitting walls, talking about wanting to kill himself. He said its ally fault because of pressure I've put on him and because of nasty things that I've done in the past. Eg. Not invited him out with friends. He constantly tells me I'm selfish. Anyway he wants it over. Im devestated, blame myself and see no happy ending. He says all his anger is my fault due to things I've done in the past which he says he cannot move on from. He wants me to leave and tells me he hates me. Any advice needed.

You may not appreciate it right this minute, but this could prove to be a happy ending...

Have you heard of the concept of 'red flags'? Warning signs of an abusive relationship? Trying to discourage you from seeing friends is another one of them... What was in the text I wonder?

That I made light of his mental health issues and he thought this was cruel when I'd been there for friends when they had been depressed. Ea is a complex one as he dosent fit all the boxes and I wonder if I left then maybe his anger would too.

I think the both of you are better apart from what you have written.

The label is unimportant really. The crux is how you feel in this relationship. Valued, respected, cherished, listened to, top priority? Or fearful, insecure, upset, unhappy, under attack, second place?

OP you say he is having financial problems because he spent money while with you. Many people with mental health issues have problems with money because they spend irresponsibly or when emotionally high or manic. Cannot project onto this complete stranger but there are so, so many very scary behaviors (not just hints of behaviors) in your posts:

Emotional abuse
Physical abuse
Verbal abuse
Blaming
Shaming
Guilt tripping
Making you feel obligated and responsible for making his life better
Unfaithful
Cruelty
Raging
Suicidal
Refusing to take any responsibility for his behavior
Manipulating
Creating drama
Unpredictable
Financially out of control or irresponsible

Please see this for what it is - you do not want to bring a baby into this dynamic, please leave. You and your child's physical, emotional and mental safety come first. He is dangerous and toxic in every way.

Run away and never, never look back.

Agree with everything cogito has said.
You are pregnant. Your dp needs to deal with the fact that your needs come before his for the time being. A man shouldn't get into a woman's face. All this unnecessary stress whilst you are pregnant is not worth it. Get out and make yourself happy x

This must be very disappointing and sad for you. Expecting a child can bring huge hopes for the future and for a family life. Sadly, though, it sounds as if you are better off making those plans without this man in the equation. You must concentrate on you and the baby making a life together. Once you are settled and happy - and if you want it - you will be able to lift your gaze and look around for a partner who values and cherishes you. There are lots of decent uncomplicated folk out there.

Aggression is not what you need. Walk away, sweetheart. It may seem hard right now, and you will need to find some inner strength, but it will only get harder if you allow this to continue.

I agree with the others. Time to move on and make a good life for you and the baby without this man in it. He sounds very toxic.

Someone once said something brilliant to me.
When you point the finger you always have 3 pointing back at you.....

Thank you for all your feedback, it's so appreciated. I am
Preparing an exit plan around work and schedules now. I am scared that he will go through with suicide but he's said it many times before. I use to feel happy in the relationship but now there seems to be so many barriers to overcome to even try and re build it. Some of which probably can't be re built.

NO one is bad all the time and unpleasant men often start out by hiding their true natures. Well, they put their best face forward becuase that's what they should be like all the time, and they know it; it's how they get someone to want to spend time with them.

Then they slowly get nastier.

It is utterly wrong to blame you for his unhappiness and suicidal feelings. They are his; and the responsibility for leading his life so that he is not that unhappy is also his. It's pretty clear that actually, he's just like this anyway and it's most unlikely to be you. Like someone else said, I wonder what his ex-wife makes of him.

But no, please don't blame yourself. and look at the whole man; not just the good times, not just the bad, the whole picture. Then keep in mind that he's likely to get worse after the birth of your baby, not better becuase it's a time when the grownups have to put themselves second to the needs of the tiny baby. He is not, from everything you say, likely to be able to do that and is rather likely to get worse.

Good luck with the exit plan because from what you say, it's the right decision. If he grows up and becomes a responsible man rather than a jerk then he can be involved in his child's life. But at the moment, you sound far better off without him than with him.

I just hate this feeling of regret I'm having and sadness. It's hard not to believe someone when they have told you over and again what you've done wrong. I feel so alone. I just start to wonder if there is truth in what he's told me. He says that everytime he tries to speak to me about a worry I just bring the convo back to me and my worries. He said he has no one to speak to because he can't come to me about feeling depressed and someone to discuss his money problems with and any other problems. He says that he could give me/ write down over fifty instances where I have been selfish and thought only about myself. He often lists the points to me. It can range from me sending a flirty text to a friend at the start of our relationship to me not picking him up dinner when I go to the shop. Advice really needed

the list and the points, carried forward from the beginning of your relationship... the list will grow and you will have an ever increasing sense of massive failure. Not a very nice way to live, I can assure you. it is sad, but it's a lot easier to live without such a crushing sense of being bad and wrong.

He says that he uses examples from start of relationship to highlight how I am still doing it/ how I am still acting selfishly. He says all he wanted was for me to listen and he could of coped but I couldn't manage that. He says his nasty comments are said only in anger so not meant. I'm at a loss. I don't know whether Ive just acted selfishly the whole relationship or if he's just making me feel bad!

You seem to be expected to shoulder all his worries and insecurities and not be able to voice your concerns. It's a very neat solution for him if he can balme you for all that goes wrong. If you were OW and played a part in his previous relationship failing, that would still not make you personally and solely responsible for anything he is angry about now.

He can be nice when he wants to be but saves his aggression for you. I don't think this is healthy for you or for your unborn baby. It hasn't descended into physical rage but it could. Before it gets that far, make a break now.

What you need is time away from this man and quickly. Not 'exit plans' but a sharp exit. Everything you're writing is 'he said', 'he said', 'he said'. You can't possibly think clearly when someone is in your face 24/7, monopolising the soundtrack, making threats, telling you what to think, telling you how you are behaving and making you doubt yourself. He's an angry man determined to make you feel bad so that you end up - as you are - wondering if you're doing the right thing rather than looking at the real problem i.e. his behaviour.

So you have to get that distance between you and please do it quickly and safely.

I think your right. I just can't believe how hard it is and how when it's ending then I'm suddenly filled with regret...I even find myself feeling sorry for him and his future.

You feel sorry because you're a decent human being. (Kind of scotches this idea of you being selfish, no?) Your partner and father of your child is standing before you saying he'll kill himself... it's designed to make you feel sorry for him.

Yeah Definetly. What a mess. I've been in relationships before and although they've ended nothing like this has happened. He's right I do always mention his old life but that's because I feel it's not over yet as not divorced and he was with her for nearly a decade and didn't behave Like this so wondering what made it different for me.

Hi OP,

Please take on everything Cogito has said. She is spot on, and it won't get better when the baby is born - he'll very likely increase the bullying when you're most vulnerable after the birth.

I really strongly urge you make the break now as you will then be much stronger coping with the baby on your own. Surround yourself with family and those friends he is trying to push away from you. He is showing himself right now. It is very hard to recognise the signs on your own because you are trying to make sense of what he is doing and trying to find the good in him. He appears to have declared himself your enemy in every word and deed. Trust that.

If you fear him, and fear what he will do or say next, then you are not in an equal, balanced relationship. He doesn't want an equal, balanced relationshp - he wants one where he rules with fear and where he has successfully shut you up. Awful. Try not to feel sorry for him. He is treating you very badly and you don't have to put up with it. Unfortunately it may be that the only way to avoid his bad behaviour is to avoid him totally. It is not your fault. It is him.

Best of luck.

I just start to wonder if there is truth in what he's told me.

This why, like cog said, you need a sharp exit and no talk of an "exit plan" that literally buys him more to time to fuck your head up.

Have a look at this article, OP. Your abusive partner is using all the tricks in the book to make you feel too weak and confused to say enough is enough.

here

You need to get away while you still can.

How do you think you will feel when he's shouting in your baby's face and punching the walls around him/ her, or punching him/her..........