Need help persuading my DH to move away from his interfering family.

[TheHippywhowearsLippy]

DH & I had a long distance relationship, when we got engaged I moved to his home town so we could start a life there. It made sense at the time because DH had a great job there, prospects for me where better, schools are excellent & lots to do socially. However fast forward to now & 3 kids later & we have realised that it's just not working out as we imagined.

I have a good job but it's not my first career choice, turns out his family are not as close or as helpful as I was lead to believe (by MIL) which means we really have no family attachment beyond the pils. Who incidentally are not so keen on helping out with the kids. Which has lead to having to fork out much more in Childcare than we expected (we were told that they would help out 2 days per week, they won't). As a result money is really tight and we are trying to save enough money to build our own home.

My home town is quite far away but housing is Cheeper, my DM would love to have the kids those 2 days per week, which would solve the Childcare problems & also me & DM would be able to socialise/date night at least one night per month. At the min we can't as we have no suitable care for the kids.

The main problems are that we would have to take the eldest two out of school & place them in a new one & We would both have to travel about a 2 hr commute every day but could cut down to one car.

Sorry IPhone scroll problems

So I have asked DM if he thinks moving would be a good idea, he thinks it might be but wants to mill it over for a while then conclude next week, fair enough. So what could I add to the argument or how can I persuade him to go? Am pretty sure it's the best option all things considered. Especially after the latest incident with the BIL & his DW (see previous post)

Hmm, the content of your post is very different from the title! What does your DH need persuading about - his family seem hands-off rather than interfering. I guess he's the one that would be facing a long commute?

Sorry, x-posted! Will read on...

His family are very out spoken & judge just about most things we do/don't do. His brother is his boss ATM DH will ask for a transfer to a smaller branch in the same town which we decided upon after the last upset. DH will have to tell BIL about our move and he could then say no to the transfer just to be a d**k about it.

I remember the original thread. He works for the bullying BIL doesn't he and the DW treats you like something stuck under her shoe? As I remember the biggest challenge was that he needed to get a new job. If you're talking about a two hour commute & he's still planning to work for the BIL I think your chances of him moving are slim. He's tied to these people not just genetically but because he thinks they did him a massive favour and he owes them. Convincing him to break free is the real challenge. What new jobs has he applied for nearer your home town?

Yes Cogito that's it :)

He hasn't applied for anything or even looked. He suggested that he moves to another smaller branch in the town we currently live in so he could keep all his perks & the same position without the hassle of looking for a new job & all that entails. I thought it wasn't a bad idea as BIL wouldn't be his boss but it wouldn't cause such a big upset either. Maybe am being very :/ about that.

It would mean us both staying in the same jobs & area for our careers but moving away & commuting together. It wasn't something I had considered until lately as I felt that I needed to be around better support. in fact am shocked that he's open to the idea after the stand still over BIL.

My fear is that he is appearing to be open to the idea but gambling that BIL kicks off and he'll be able to shrug his shoulders and say 'I tried'. A two hour commute? Is that really going to happen? Leaving the house at 6am every day, getting home after 7pm & never seeing your kids?

I thought BIL owned or ran the business? If there are branches are there none nearer your new location? Are DH's and your skills not easily transferrable to a different company?

The two hour commute for both parents with three kids? That's hardly any family time in the week or extracurricular activities for them either with no one driving them around.

I understand the situation and am sympathetic but the new move doesn't very ideal for the children either.

He needs to find a new job and so do you in the area that you want to move to.

That's what I said about BIL so he said he would take a week to think about it. Then we could take about it again & make the decision together, then the next step is to tell BIL. Since the last incident things were really strained between us, we talked about it over & over again an eventually he agreed that he needed to stop sitting on the fence and stand up to BIL so this is it I guess. Possibly the happy medium.

It would be a round 2hr commute leave at 8 start work at 9, be home for 6. I don't think that's to bad & I could possibly go p/t giving me more time with the kids.

Yes BIL runs (May as well own) the other branch. That's it just those two branches, possibly more opening up in the next few years which DH might manage. That's another reason he's not so keen to quit his job.

It's complicated but I think I can convince him to move if I can work out the fine details. Is moving the kids to another school sensible? Is the commute worth it? Written down it seems ok but in RL it's quite confusing.

The commute might work but, the UK being what it is, a trip that looks like 1 hour on a good day can become 1.5 or 2 hours when you factor in the rush hour, school drops and so on.

He still seems unhealthily manacled to the BIL rather than having the confidence to take what he's learned and offer his skills to a different organisations.

I don't think the commute is the issue. I am a single parent of 2 and manage a similar commute no problem.
Changing kids schools ditto. Thousands of parents do this every year.

You will have access to childcare which will improve your quality of life, and you will be better off because of the fact childcare is free 2 days a week and cheaper housing.

As others have said, this all comes back to the underlying issue which is your DH dysfunctional relationship and dependency on his BIL and the rest of the clan.

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing to try to escape, but I would be more inclined to escape BILS evil clutches altogether. It sounds like DH is eversograteful for having a job, but he must have some skills as you describe an expanding business, which is not to be sniffed at in this climate. I bet he could get another job which would be far less stressful than working for BIL.

Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. I wish you luck.