How to make DH move out?

[JustNeedSomePeace]

I'm a regular MNer and have changed name for this as I'd like to remain anonymous so I can speak openly about something that is a very sensitive subject to me.

Basically, my husband has a short temper. He loses it at times and throws things around. I have young children and they are the world to me (as many a mum would say, I know) but I would easily forego my own happiness for them. Please don't say to that my DC would fr happier if I was happier because I know they love their father to bits and would be absolutely lost without him.

My question is, how can I get him to move out without taking an injunction out against him? I could have the locks changed when he's out but he would just break the door down or get in through a window. I've told him I need some space and asked him to leave but he's just turned around and said because he also owns half of the property, there's no way he will go anywhere.

I considered taking the kids and moving out but I have 4 children and the upheaval would be enormous.

If I do relent and move into a b&b for a week, what do I do about DC's school? If I take them to school he'll just turn up at home time and take them.

I've lived with this for nearly 20 years and I just can't see how I can practically make him leave me alone. I dont want a divorce of anything g permanat; I just need some time in my own to work goings out for myself.

First off, a man who throws things around is an aggressive man. Children often respond to aggressive people by appearing to 'love them to bits'... ingratiating themselves is a survival technique

As you both own the house you can't easily bar entry. However if he is aggressive inside your home, you can call the police and have him removed quite legitimately.

I strongly recommend you talk to Womens Aid rather than doing anything as rash as leaving a man with a 'short temper' in charge of children by moving out yourself. 0808 2000 247. You may not want injunctions, police involvement or a divorce but, without the law behind you, I think you're not going to get rid of this bully.

Yes, talk to WA for practical advice.

If all you want is some time to think, could you go and visit your parents during the Christmas holidays, for example?

I think his response to your request for some time alone to work it out, and that you are convinced he will break in, is your answer for the question you want to ponder for that some time on your own.

Apart from saying no, how has his behaviour been since you asked him for space?

He's stopped talking to me (and I to him) and we're just carrying on silently.

I know the children would be safe with me. His temper flares are directed towards me only. But I don't want to leave the children with him and go because I'm their mum and I can't just abandon them like that. I could take them with me but what about school? If I sent them to school he'd be there after school and he'd pack them into the car and take them.
So what do I do if I'm going to leave him? How do I do it?

The other thing is we work together. He's my boss at work. I'm totally committed to my job and absolutely love it. After my family, it's what I love the most. Leaving him abruptly would mean leaving my job too. I have a lot of clients that rely on me on a daily/weekly basis and I'd either need to explain to them what has happened (and I'm a very private person so don't really want everyone gossiping about my personal life) or I'd have to just leave them in the lurch. It's a very small business and I'm second most senior so there's not really anyone who can take over from me who knows things like I do.

I don't want to get the police involved. I know this is hard for people to understand but I've been married to him for over 20 years and I do love him. He's the father of my children and I feel if I do take some space to think things over I don't want to do it at the expense of my children's feelings. I'd like to do it with some dignity. I don't know if I'm making sense but I feel like I actually don't have much of a choice. I really don't know what my options are.

Yes.... but ?

Your post is full of it, love. Sorry. if he won't cooperate then yes, you will have to play hard ball.

You will have to

1. tell others and get RL support
2. inform the police when he acts in a physically threatening manner
3. get legal advice
4. possibly think about starting divorce proceedings
5. accept you do have a choice here, you just don't want it enough
6. accept that your kids will be better for not living in such a horrible environment 24/7

Please do call Womens Aid. They are a refuge for people escaping abusive relationships in more ways than just safe accommodation i.e. they can give you solid advice on what preparation and practical steps to take if you are planning to end things.

If you don't want to involve the police, please also seek legal advice. For example, if your income and employment depends on your husband and you are driven from your job because of his unreasonable behaviour, you have a potential case for constructive dismissal.

I'm so confused. I don't know if I even want to split from him. It's just not so black and white in my head. I love him. I know that's very hard for an outsider to the marriage to understand but he's a good man on the whole. He has flaws and his anger is his biggest flaw. I don't know if I should give up on him because he's not perfect.

It's not giving up on someone to reject abusive behaviour. Preparing for independence or taking advice on divorce does not lead inevitably to a split. What it does do, however, is give you a little confidence and reassurance that there are other options. All the time you have it so fixed in your head that he's actually a good man with flaws & you have no alternative than to stick around, you are condemning yourself to more of the same as this puts you in a very weak position.

This is a power struggle. Currently he has the whip hand and, even if you don't actually leave, that has to be corrected urgently.

If he doesn't accept he has an anger problem, then you will remain the absorber of it.

You say he doesn't direct any viciousness at them, but you are wrong there. The indirect effects of him taking it out on you and that being accepted and excused will be damaging them just as much as if he was screaming at them too.

He must be aware himself that he has an angee problem.
Have you suggested that he goes for anger management in a plea to save your marriage.

If he says no...i think that is all you need to know.
However, if he says yes. You can boh make a start on a change for the better.

That way you dont need to worry abouf leaving, the kids or your job.

But if he says yes - you can then start preparing yourself for those things.

If he says no you can prepare - i meant. Sorry

Just, nobody is perfect, but some people have flaws that make other people live with them very difficult. One is anger.
The problem is that we all feel anger, but we can usually control it. He's not likely to react in anger at work with his boss, or if confronted by a policeman, is he? In that case, he's acting on anger at home because he can and because he doesn't respect you.
What things make him angry? Are you a twat with him, or is it little things?

If he's acting out his anger towards everyone, only then he has an anger management problem. Even so, you don't have to put up with it, and would be perfectly entitled to not want him around you and the children until it's under control.

I have to say that after getting rid of exH, I wouldn't accept anyone with "anger issues" at all, no matter how perfect otherwise they were.

Sorry, just read he's your boss. I'm sure he doesn't direct his anger at the clients. And if he doesn't at the children, then it's a problem of him abusing you and there's no anger management course that could fix that.
Only you keeping your distance from him.

If you are not married, but only have a boss - employee relationship you are protected from his anger too. You wouldn't have to leave necessarily. But you could start preparing to start your own business, possibly?

As an employee, your rights at work would protect you from being verbally abused.

Just because you are also coupled up with him, does not detract from that

The biggest problem is he doesn't admit he has an anger problem. He thinks it's my fault for provoking him.

He's always refused counselling, but reason what you've all written, maybe I should insist on it. Something has to change and I can't see him evaluating his behaviour on his own.

Victim blaming especially when it is done by the perpetrator is deeply ingrained shit

I doubt counselling would be helpful, tbh

I think the thought of going it alone, after being part of a couple for most of my life is scary and dauntin and that thought is holding me back from making a change. I know I need to grow some balls but at the moment it seems the scariest thing on earth. And I keep thinking about my children and how I'd also be depriving them of a family.

Refusing to accept responsibility for his actions should have been a lesson he learned as a child. If he still isnt prepared to accept fault, then i dont think he ever will.

Blaming others for his behavior is also parr of emotional abusive behavior.

If he can control it around others, but not you - then that proves that it is his CHOICE to do these things.
No anger problems....its just a choice

My children are ten times happier since i left my EA relationship. I didnt realise how suppressed they were. Literally, they changed to happier little people within hours.

I thought they were happy when i was with him

My children are ten times happier since i left my EA relationship. I didnt realise how suppressed they were. Literally, they changed to happier little people within hours.

I thought they were happy when i was with him

Family ??? This isn't what a family should be like.

He probably doesn't really think it's your fault for provoking him. It's just his way of not accepting fault.

And how do you provoke him? I know you don't want to be identified, but could you give a similar example? I bet it's something that most people wouldn't be particularly angry about.

You wouldn't be depriving your children of a family. They have you and each other, plus their dad some of the time if he chooses to be in their lives. He just doesn't need to be there all the time.

And pretty much everyone who has got rid of bastards will tell you how easier life becomes without the abusers there. You stop walking on eggshells, you stop being blamed for everything, you can make your own choices without fear of criticism or anger. You feel safe.