Life post-break up

[ArtsyLady]

So my previous thread isn't accepting new messages, not sure why...maybe because I have 1000 posts!
I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who gave me advice!! I will probably still keep posting since I need a lot of help getting through all this...
In any case, I didn't want to let the other thread get deleted without showing my appreciation to everyone!

Artsy, I spent hours 2 days ago reading all the posts on here....didn't post anything as it was all mainly old stuff and also didn't have anything to contribute over and above the very sound advice you were given. I hope you've moved on and are in a better place now, are you still monitoring things with the ex and the blonde or have you decided not to? Wishing you much peace X

Thanks for the nice wishes!! I am not monitoring them, I couldn't even if I wanted to. No mutual friends anymore, other than those pictures neither of them uses facebook much, haven't heard from him since I got my stuff back.

Have I moved on? Not really, still thinking about it and still sad. I miss him and feel lonely now. Plus I'm trying out this whole new self respect thing and it isn't easy!!

What I feel like doing - calling that one random guy, going out and getting drunk and hooking up with him...
What I am doing - exercising, working, drinking tea (seriously haha)

I know the first option would make me feel good for a little while, but then worse later on so I'm trying my best to be sensible for a change!

Just adding my support. Sad, lonely and missing a warm body around the place is normal, unfortunately, but exercise and work are good distractions until the worse wears off. You don't even have to be too sensible. Something mad and impulsive is often good for the soul. :)

I'd love to do something crazy, as long as it doesn't involve men!! I realized how I hate being single. I'm either in a long term relationship or seeing someone casually, but never alone. So I'm just trying not to rush into anything that will get me hurt again, but it's hard!!! Someone mentioned in the other thread how I get my confidence/self esteem from getting attention from/being with men. It's such a bullshit thing, though, because most men will be on their best behavior until they get what they want, and then a lot will loose interest. So I'm just trying to take things slow so that I don't rush into something stupid. It isn't easy, though, and I don't really feel motivated to do anything right now. I just keep forcing myself to do the routine things that I have to do.

So basically, staying away from jerks and not stalking my ex/OW are my two priorities right now! What an exciting life I live haha

There's nothing wrong with routine as long as you take advantage of any opportunities that present themselves to expand your horizons and boost your confidence. Saw a Jim Carrey film 'Yes Man' the other day in which he's challenged to say 'yes' to any questions he's asked. Obviously, it being a comedy, he switches off his judgement and 'hilariity ensues' Obviously, you wouldn't apply the 'yes' concept to men... retrograde step :) But the principle of being open to new ideas and experiences, taking a chance and overcoming fears is very good for building self-esteem .

Welcome back Artsy. I followed your other thread. I remember so well that horrible lonely time after a relationship had broken I down. It passes and you will be stronger for having weathered the storm. Sounds like you're doing all the right things

Thanks cloudskitchen....In a way, when all the drama was going on, I was feeling completely shit, but also a bit stronger because there was something I could do. Right now, I just feel sad and have to wait this out.

Oh god...and no matter how hard I try, I can't escape hearing about my ex and the ow!! So...a friend of mine (a guy I've known forever) works with my ex bf (he is the one who invited me to that department party where I met my ex). Anyway, I was talking to him today and he asked what was happening with me and my ex (doesn't know we broke up).

I didn't respond, I just asked why...and he said it's because he's seen him a couple of times recently with a "hot blonde" and wanted to make sure he wasn't going behind my back.....so I asked where he saw them and he told me a couple of times in a restaurant by their work place...and then she came to his office once.

hi again OP. So what if he saw them, yes, they are friends and maybe she's considering dating him, no news here! TEll your friend not to update you on all their movements, unless maybe they actually go into r-ship officially. Just be honest with him that this info isn't helping you right now when you ve just split up.
Good thinking regarding staying single for a bit, it's tough to start with but you stat enjoying it actually after adjustment as you don't have to worry or adapt to anyone. Obviously I still wish you to meet the right man, but good idea to stay single for a short while at least.

Well, don't worry, I'm not planning on becoming a nun just yet! haha
Just taking some time...I was so close into rushing into a sexual thing with some guy and I just know it would have ended badly for me right now so I'm really glad I didn't do it!

It's not my friend's fault though, he had no clue what was going on. I'm just kind of mad my friend thinks OW is "hot"

I'm also trying to stay away from alcohol for a bit too. I don't have a problem with it, but right after we broke up I went out drinking way more than I normally would. I might have been drinking like that when I was in college or something but haven't been that wasted in years. Plus, drinking usually leads to stupid mistakes...or drunk calls to exs....so....cutting back...

Ahhh I'm so confused...behaving myself means that I have way too much time to think about my messed up relationships and what I need to change. I feel like with this relationship, I started to grow up a bit. I know that from my previous thread, it really doesn't seem that way, but it made me change my ways quite a lot.

For example, when I was a bit younger I used to party a lot and acted like an idiot sometimes. Especially with my previous ex because he was so into that lifestyle. I know that everyone does it when they're young, especially in college, but at some point you have to grow up and stop it, right? I mean, it's never presented a problem for me, I have things in my life together but somehow I feel like I need to grow up.

That's what happened when I met this guy. It's surprising that he made me more calm, because he is really sociable and he actually loves to drink (that man can handle his liquor). When we first started going out, I went out to a bar with him and got sooooo wasted, I could barely walk and got really sick. He took care of me then, which I found really sweet...and after that I didn't do it again. Not because I was ashamed, but because I didn't have interest in it anymore. I was really engaged with him and felt secure and happy. With other guys, especially my own age, there are always a not of nerves and awkwardness.

That's not the only thing. I was so used to being with wishy washy type guys who had no clue what they wanted. My ex was the complete opposite, he was so decisive. For most of the relationship, he would always do the things he said he would do. If he said he would call, he would do it. If he promised to help me with something, he did it. I didn't have to run around chasing him or wonder what he wanted. It kind of inspired me to be more decisive with my own life and take initiative in things.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. I think that being with him made me feel more secure and settled and made me thing differently about life. I'm trying to achieve that on my own now but it's hard knowing what to do and being mature.

don't expect instant progress, but you are on the right track, all you say is good. Lots of relationships aer there as a lesson, so yes it's positive to learn something good from it rather than dwell on 'results' which werer not what you wanted. I think you need some project, and hte growing up will happen anyway. Can you focus on work more right now? go to a new class or group, or start new exercise regime? Definitely good idea regarding the drinking. I'd recommend something physical right now - it clear your head and makes you feel good aboutyourself when you aer a bit down.

I know about the guy in the bar, I've read and posted on your other thread!

sorry it's late so lots of typos!

Just take your time. You sound like you're making pretty good and mature decisions now and this process will help you grow into a better person. You really took control of your life when you dumped him, you may still be sad about it, but that was a big step for you! Just keep moving forward and growing up will come naturally to you.

beaglesaresweet of course I remember you from the other thread

And thanks a lot malinaaa as well

I guess you're right, time is all I have to count on at the moment. I'm doing okay on my own actually, I'm really happy that I didn't sleep with the guy from the bar. It would have been great for a little while, I can't lie....but I'd probably now be depressed over my ex and him as well! MEN!!!

So I'm having a new problem with my ex, I have no idea what is going on here. There's a back story here so please bear with me.

So I mentioned in my other thread that my friend works with my ex and he is the one who invited me to the department party where I met my ex. Well, let's just say that my ex is way senior to the friend in their dept. The friend really respects my ex and wanted to impress him. My ex, on the other hand, literally had no clue who my friend was. Well, it's not a huge department, so he recognized him, but didn't know his name or what he was working on.

So at first my friend was a bit pissed that I started seeing someone that he works with. Although, I tried to help him out by introducing him to my ex. I feel like he took as much advantage of that as he possibly could. I'm not sure if it was successful or whether ex was just being nice.

Anyway, he is the one who told me that he saw OW at their offices. So, I told him we split and asked him to just back off because I'm having kind of a hard and shitty time getting over this.

Now he won't leave me alone. He keeps reporting back to me about seeing them. Like, there's this restaurant that my ex likes a lot right by his workplace. Well, he met OW there for lunch today.

My friend even said that he will spy for me and next time he sees her, he will approach her. I was like...WTF don't do that....but he said he'll be discreet.

I didn't ask him to do this and I have no clue what his motive is here. I asked him why he's so interested. He said he just is...and he thinks OW is hot, so it'll give him an opportunity to talk to an attractive woman...

What the hell is going on here?

I had to re-read your last post several times as kept getting lost.

So a guy who's a friend, but less senior to your ex, is now 'spying' on your ex and reporting back? That the gist of it?

He sounds about 16.

But- sorry- so do you.

look- it takes 2 to have a conversation. If you have told this guy that you don't want to hear about the ex and the OW which part of 'no' does he not understand?

Are you secretly wanting to know and not really making it crystal clear that he's got to shut up about it all?

If he starts telling you again, walk away or tell him in no uncertain terms you don't want to hear. Unless he's as thick as a brick then he ought to get the message.

So at first my friend was a bit pissed that I started seeing someone that he works with.

why? Does he want to date you?

Is he trying to make you more upset by telling you about ex/OW and either getting back at you for not dating him- or hoping you will now if you are on the rebound?

whichever, it's juvenile.

No I don't think that he wants to date me, or ever wanted to. I think he was just mad because he thought it might ruin his reputation in some way. Then when I helped him get to know my ex, he was more than happy with the situation.

You're right, it is juvenile!!! I did tell him to stop, very clearly. He doesn't tell me this stuff in person, it's all on chat, so I can't see his facial expressions. I'm just worried that he'll do something idiotic or put me in a bad position somehow. I don't really know.

You know this is very strange. What does your friend have to do with any of this?
Whatever he does is not really your problem. So what if he does something to make you look bad with your ex? You broke up and don't have to deal with him anymore, so forget about it and don't bother about your friend.

well if it's all on chat, stop chatting to him. simple.
you seem to enjoy making your life complicated