23 year relationship - thinking of calling it a day. Advice needed

[ribba]

I need advice and a bit of perspective. DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have two children – a pre-teen and teenager. I can’t stop thinking about leaving him. If I’m honest this has been in my mind off and on for a long time.

He’s a good father to our children but I feel utterly dragged down by him. He has depression and is on medication – this has been the case for around 7 years following a breakdown. He self medicates as well - a bottle of wine a night on average.

We both work full time in demanding jobs, have two kids who are around a lot of the time so time and space for talking is extremely limited, especially as he’s usually asleep on the sofa by the time the kids go to bed .

Our relationship is non existent really – we do very little together without the kids - but I feel unable to summon up the energy to do anything about it. I find him such a negative presence and hyper sensitive/ defensive about anything which could be perceived as critical. The thought of sitting down and trying to have a conversation about ‘us’ feels just awful, as is the thought of trying to talk about his drinking. He does know he drinks too much. He’s obviously not happy either but would never initiate a conversation about it.

More context – he had a very brief affair about 6 years ago which I think was linked to his depression – we came through it but it completely changed the way I felt about him. That’s not to say we haven’t been happy since then but I can’t bear the thought of having to fix things again. Going to relate, endless promises about how things will change and then slipping back. I’d almost rather walk away. But I have the kids to think about.

I have fantasies about starting again and meeting someone who makes me laugh, who’s full of energy and strength rather than someone who drains me. Is that selfish?

Am feeling really low and don’t really know what to do. Any advice?

Sounds like you are stuck in a bad place where its not so bad to break it off but not so good its worth staying for. What's in your heart op? A long marriage has a base in frienship even when its in a bad phase but once that's gone there's not much left. But being older and alone can be sad too so be relaistic about the grass on the other side of the fence.its not that green for most women. And yes there's the grind of trying to "make it work" ... But dont live a life of "quiet desperation" (as the poet says). There's a better way if you can find you way there

I don't think you're selfish. Seven years of the behaviour you describe on top of an affair, however brief, and I don't think anyone could say that you hadn't given the relationship a fair crack. You may or may not go on to meet this strong funny person that you fantasise about ... but I suspect you'd find you felt a lot less drained even if you simply had the freedom to be yourself. Children do need thinking about but are you sure they're having any better a time of it currently than you are?

The kids are fine, but obviously we aren't modelling the greatest marriage to them and I am increasingly concerned about the effect my husbands drinking could have especially on my teenager. They do have good relationships with him.

Grommit you're right in that it's been a gradual deterioration and no moment (yet) when I have thought 'enough'. When the affair happened I fought really hard to save our marriage too.

Your husband clearly has an alcohol problem if he's drinking a bottle a night. Honestly, your kids are old enough now to understand that their parents will be better of apart rather than just sharing a home and being parents, you can both still do that in your own homes.

You are not being selfish because you are and have been thinking about finding happiness with someone, we are all entitled to that, we all want to love and be loved. Sounds like you had a long successful relationship but now it's time to call it a day and move on to another chapter in your life otherwise once the girls go and you'll be much older, you'll be faced with life completely on your own and it will get harder as you get older to start again.

It sounds like you have already tried a number of avenues to re-start your relationship. You maybe both living for the kids and not for each other. Speaking from experience; living with others with depression can be incredibly sapping (emotional vampirism). This can also affect your own energies to bring about change. Where do you usually go for support yourself?

Mixing alcohol with medication never goes well. You have two major blocks to your communication - his behaviour and alcoholism. These need to be tackled first. I am not entirely sure that depression is an excuse for an affair.

There seems there is an elephant permanently in the room. I am not sure if you have ever brought up with him the effect that his behaviour/alcoholism has on you and the kids? I would encourage you to do so. Because he has depression does not give him the excuse to behave neglectfully towards you! I would also debate whether he is getting all the medical support he needs.

I think there comes a point when you are just desperately unhappy and cannot see any way that the relationship will improve. And can't see any happiness in the future/need to stay. It could be that all the effort going in is coming from your side and you start finding that unacceptable or that you constantly fantacise about being with other men/on your own. It could be that you just hate your life at home and getting 'that sinking feeling' coming home. It may be that you know your own mental health will suffer if you stay.

It is never an easy decision to stay/go. You have to do the best for yourself and the children. Life is very different after a split. It usually 'a mixed bag' for all. You may indeed find new happiness at home; but that is counter-balanced with legal questions of possessions, child maintenance, ongoing contact arrangements etc. There are long-term effects with children following separations even if they understand the decisions you made. There are no rules on how to deal with this - you just make the best decisions you can as a Mum.

I hope this helps?

Thanks Jan and JohFlow. I agree depression is no excuse for an affair although it is part of the reason it happened. It's not been like this for the last few years - I would say it's gradually been getting worse over the last 12 months though. It's definitely true that dealing with a partner with depression affects your own energy - I am definitely guilty of putting more into the kids/ work/ friends than my relationship though.

I do have support but haven't really told anyone how low I feel.

I guess I need to bite the bullet and tell him how unhappy I am and what needs to change.

It's quite normal to find it hard to admit you have your own, separate struggles when you have a partner with depression. Your needs are important too. It's also natural to try to find avenues you can put your energies into when you feel that you are faced with a 'brick wall' at home.

How do you think people will react when you show them how you feel right now? I would be surprised if at least one of your supporters hasn't had something similar in their lives.

There is no shame is asking for what you need and then insisting it's delivered. Be strong and Good Luck!

Ribba your post has struck a chord with me because you've been together the same number of years as my h and I and most of your post is very familiar.

I was in a very similar position earlier this year. My h was depressed and addicted to painkillers, our relationship had disintegrated, no love or feelings, no sex, I'd previously caught him texting other women etc etc etc.

My own health began to suffer. I ended up taking antidepressants because I couldn't cope with his moods. I had migraines, I cried all the time. I couldn't bear the thought of breaking up the family but I began to wonder if it could possibly work. I started to think about a future where I was happy.

Fast forward to now - we decided to separate in July. Telling the children was awful I won't lie, but after just a few days they seemed to accept it and are now generally fine. Me & the kids have stayed in the family house, h lives in a flat nearby and they flit between the two.

The atmosphere at home is completely wonderful! We laugh & joke all the time, there's no more tiptoeing around, the kids are happy, and I'm happy

If you'd told me this time last year how much better I'd feel after this I wouldn't have believed you. I had no idea it was possible to feel this much better! I've stopped taking the antidepressants and I've hardly had a migraine. My 'pmt' seems to have disappeared too!

And best of all I've been out with another guy a couple of times. And he's lovely! Completely lovely I had no idea that men could be so nice & kind. That's because I'd spent so long living with one who was so miserable and draining.

I don't know if this helps you at all,but I just wanted to let you know what could be just around the corner. I spent years & years trying to make my h & I work. I couldn't do it. So I did the next best thing.

You could do that too..?

Take care