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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Going no contact support thread?

19 replies

needhimoutmyhead · 19/11/2013 19:00

I am really struggling to get my emotionally abusive ex out of my head. He walked out on Saturday after physically hurting me (a game he said....) and I am so trying to be strong. I have written down why I don't want to be with him... once I started the words flowed and I filled pages. At the moment every time I want to make contact I read my notes. Its worked so far. I know he will never make first contact. In our 2 year relationship he has walked many times and never made the contact to make up. Its always been me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/11/2013 19:49

Good move to get him out of your life and the notebook sounds like a great idea. Something that helps a lot with NC is to fill your days and nights with other stuff until the urge to call him wears off. Do you have any friends or family you could be with or pick up the phone to? Do you work? Participate in any sport/hobbies/activities? The less time you have to mull things over or wallow the better. Good luck

needhimoutmyhead · 19/11/2013 20:13

Yep my days are filled with final year of a degree, working and being a single parent (he is not the dad). Unfortunately I cut myself off from most people whilst with him as he didn't approve of my friends and didn't care much for my family. But am reaching out and trying to improve things. Going to give myself a big tick for each day I manage it and when I get to 10 ticks buy myself a little treat :)

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/11/2013 20:18

Give yourself a little treat every other tick sweety!

10 days without reward is hard going!

Change your number and bin his.

You have to do this.

In a couple of days things will start to ease.

Côme post here everyday, whenever you need to, there will always be someone here to listen.

Hissy · 19/11/2013 20:21

Tell you what, use everything you do for you as a tick.

Calling an old friend - tick
Going out to see someone - tick
Booking a hair appt - tick
buy yourself a new duvet set - tick
Move the furniture around in your bedroom - tick
Calling WA - tick
Booking yourself onto the Freedom Programme - tick x 5
Buying the Lundy book - tick, tick, tick

You'll be up to 10 in no time

needhimoutmyhead · 19/11/2013 20:35

Hissy - liking that idea a lot, lot, lot. Already in contact with WA and changed bedroom, lounge and kitchen :) His number is binned - done that many times before but always knew I had it in email but have deleted all emails now so I have REALLY binned it this time. Blocked him on facebook (mainly so I can't look at him!!!!). He won't contact me - too stubborn and self obsessed for that. Its a good thing really though cause if he did I know I would weaken. Anyway, today I have been strong Grin

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/11/2013 21:56

Bloody well done there! You racked up a whole ton of ticks already!

Get on and sort yourself a treat!

Being kind to ourselves, even if it's just allowing ourselves to breathe, to think is so healthy.

It makes such a difference in our resolve and recovery, it really does.

You really are doing so well.

Expect a bit of a slump, when the adrenaline flags, know that this is coming and dig deep to get through it. We'll be here for you the whole way.

Welcome to your freedom! Welcome to the rest of your life!

akawisey · 19/11/2013 22:47

Another one gone no contact here, OP. No contact now since July at my insistence.

I do stuff to keep my mind occupied, and it works because empty time means my thoughts float backwards.

Good luck with it, do that list and you'll get there Smile.

wontletmesignin · 20/11/2013 07:27

Well done! You have done great so far so keep it up :-)
I am also going nc. He has tried texting me and ringing me several times. It really pisses me off when i see a txt and so encourages me to ignore.

How about you just buy yourself a gift anyway, you deserve one. It isnt easy doing what you are doing!

I am trying to NOT spend today as i went on a ridicous spending spree when i got my card back!
But...a lot has been for crimbob. Buying the kids things i wasnt allowed. Especially my 5 yo. I wasnt alllowed to buy him anything!

The further the days go on, the better i feel!

Keep it up, you will reap the rewards (even more) soon enough! Xx

needhimoutmyhead · 20/11/2013 21:14

Well pretty annoyed that I caved and managed to trawl old emails and find his number. Sent him a smiley face. Blush Silly girl. He text back saying would like to be friends. I said no cannot be friends with someone I am in love with and missing so much. He just said ok. Ouch Ouch Ouch. But suppose it was better he did that than him just going along with me cause I would have easily gone back to him today. Ho hum. Had deleted every trace of his number now!!!!

Just joined a dating site. Need distractions!!!

Tomorrow is definately a NC day, and hte next day and so on...

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 20/11/2013 21:17

Being friends comment will be part of his game.

Be strong. Do not give him nothing.
As soon as you get tempted. Get your ass on here and post about it instead.

Be strong, and do as you say. No contact from now on. You can do it! Xx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2013 07:20

You're probably going to get back with him if you carry on like this .... sorry about that. You couldn't stick it out for 24 hours before digging up his number and you'll be finding other ways to accidentally get in touch. A dating site? Really? You think putting yourself in front of a judging panel of men and comparing them unfavourably to the ex is a good way to boost your flat-lining self-esteem? If you're bored and looking for distractions to your degree work why not get together with all those friends you dropped instead - nothing like girlfriends' input of 'you're better off without him' to increase your confidence.

Hissy · 21/11/2013 07:30

What cog said. ^

Harsh, but on the money.

FloozeyLoozey · 21/11/2013 07:34

The baggage reclaim site is fantastic for your situation, has loads of helpful advice for no contact. I also follow her on Facebook and she's always putting up inspirational quotes and statuses to help keep you motivated.

needhimoutmyhead · 21/11/2013 08:14

Just been off to find the baggage reclaim site. It is great. But sadly can't see myself getting through today. Harsh comments were really not what I needed right now!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2013 08:22

Does 'can't see myself getting through today' mean more smiley faces or are you saying you're very depressed?

Hissy · 21/11/2013 21:44

Love, you're not being kind to yourself.

You know this guy's no good for you. You know ending it is the right thing to do.

Reminding yourself of this will keep you focussed.

You really do have to set aside your feelings and make the intelligent decision not the emotional one.

Online dating is soulless. You simply can't go on their in this condition, you're not strong enough yet.

You need to get to know yourself, and learn to like the wonderful person you are.

Stick around, build up your self esteem and it will get easier.

Hissy · 21/11/2013 21:45

Have you read Why Does He Do That?

AnandaTimeIn · 22/11/2013 00:09

Yea, read Lundy. (Why does he do that).

And after that get into Robin Norwood Women who love too much and after that you can get on with Melody Beattie Co-dependent no more.

Those will keep you occupied and get you into a much better place than internet dating.....

MistressDeeCee · 22/11/2013 05:55

OP you have your child to care for,and your Degree to complete. This man has been emotionally and physically abusive to you. Going NC is bloody hard - I've been there. But really if you don't look after yourselfan your worth, your self-esteem nobody else is going to do it for you.

Your ex sounds like a pain, tbh. He hurt you, said it was a 'game?!'. If he sees he can still get you back after abusing you emoitionally and physiically, then what message will that send to him regarding how you see yourself and your worth? Do you really think, he's going to treat you with love and respect?

Unfortunately we can't turn love off like a switch, nor always face fact that not everybody or everything we want in this life is good for us. But at times, we must. Too many women wasting years on useless men, blocking their own opportunities, hopes, dreams, goals for the sake of this man they absolutely MUST have at all costs; as if despite his abusive behaviour, they will somehow wither away and die for lack of him. Yet in reality a strong possibility is years of turmoil then regrets in life, looking back down the years thinking 'if only I'd stayed away from him'.

Not trying to take away how you must feel. Just hoping you see that a partner's supposed to enhance your life, not give you so many reasons for despair of relationship that you can fill pages with it! Cherish yourself, your DC, get that degree, re-establish links with friends. Forget about internet dating and men for a while. You'll survive. Make a life for yourself, don't let your ex waste your good years, and you'll eventually find a good decent man to share life with you. Good luck

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