Don't know what to do

[TractorTedMum]

I feel as if I'm being cruel to my husband. We have 4 young kids and things have become sort of overwhelming for me the last few weeks. I came off the Pill as it was not suiting me, moods etc, dh is iffy about getting a vasectomy. By the time he gets home from work in the evenings I want to run away from home. I work part time and enjoy it but I'm beyond fed up with stuff here at home.

Sex seems to have petered out, I'm not a bit interested. I can't remember the last time I wanted to tear either my own or dh's clothes off. I don't believe dh when he tells me I'm attractive etc. He seems to look for sex at the stupidest of times like when the kids go to bed, I've to sort stuff for the next day and this annoys me. We now row over silly stupid things and I'm tired of hearing I'm always in a mood rather than being 'in THE MOOD', that I don't love him etc etc. There are times I utter under my breathe that I wish he'd just go away!

We're still young but living like two old fogeys, well I am. Is sex vital for a healthy relationship or is that just stuff they make up to sell self help fodder??

Affection is vital for a healthy relationship. Sex is just one expression of affection. With 4 DCs you're going to be stretched to find the time to be together as a couple. But it's important to find ways between you to show affection... Rowing over stupid things and getting annoyed with each other is the rank opposite.

You need to sit down together, look at the way your typical days pan out and work out together (this is not your sole responsibility) how the work could be shared more equally, how you can get time to yourselves and how you can be kinder to each other & show each other more affection.

BTW... You'll have to resolve the long term contraception matter urgently. DH can't afford to be 'iffy' about the vasectomy if one thing that is causing problems is that you're worried about adding a 5th DC to the mix.

It's hard to find time to yourselves with a full family, but presumably having sex when the kids are up and about isn't a good idea, so when they're in bed sounds better obviously - but would there be a good time for you, or is it that no time at all is right?

Ohh, Tractortedmum

I'm not surprised you don't know what to do
Cogito is correct (as always) You need to sit down together and talk through this but choose you time. It needs to be a proper discussion not a rant or moan from either of you. It needs to be constructive rather than destructive.
I'm not surprised things are overwhelming for you. How long is it since you have stopped taking the pill, your hormones could take a while to sort themselves out depending on how long you have been taking the pill.

Sounds like you need to make some 'couple' time too, even if it's just snuggling up on the sofa infront of the TV.
Any chance DH can help out more with sorting things out for the following day or is he as busy. You need to work as a team, especially with 4 DC.

Vasectomy's I can comment on from experience though;
After our second DC my DW suggested that I have one. I was not concerned or worried about it in anyway, it was just one of those things I put off (selfish of me really)
I didn't see any urgency in it as my DW was still taking the pill.
I did though eventually get off of my lazy arse and goto the doctors and arrange it though.
Don't let your DH listen to all of the horror stories out there, mostly they are all rubbish from others I have spoken to that have had one recently.
I arranged mine for a Friday, before I went I threw a couple of paracetamol down my neck, had it done, didn't really hurt, got home, took another couple of paracetamol and camped out on the sofa infront of the TV for the rest of the day. After a few hours it felt like I'd taken a football in the nuts but no worse than a dull ache. I was back to work on Monday, my mode of transport being my motorbike.
I wasn't even stiched as the incision was so small.
Tell him to get himself down there and get it sorted, once done he won't regret it. No more protection, no more worries about surprise pregnacies.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, you all made excellent points and we've decided we really need to sort this all out once and for all. Have sorted a sitter for some night during the week so we can get out of here and be on neutral ground while discussing what needs to be sorted.

Andy1964 and Cogito think you both hit the nail on the head, its the fear of having another dc. We never had any issues in that respect and falling pregnant happened very easy for us when we decided to go that route. Ventured into the area of he getting a vasectomy last night and I said not to believe all the horror stories his mates at work had told him, we'll need to talk more in depth about it and get the proper details rather than the scary stuff.

The overwhelming feeling has subsided a bit since I mentioned some of my ideas with dh. Even I think just airing them has helped but as I say and have said it needs to be looked at better and see how we and me and get through this. I firmly believe dh thinks I'm at nothing here on my days off, house is always in uproar but with 4 mini hurricanes its not that easy to keep stuff tidy as anyone with kids knows!

Thank you all again for your help