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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating DP

25 replies

lauralou85 · 19/11/2013 16:16

I found out in July that my DP of nearly 5 years was having an affair with a work colleague. We live together and he has a DS who is 6 (who I adore) and he stays with us every other weekend. I had my suspicions he was cheating as he was being cagey with his phone, staying late at work etc, I found the texts to this woman on the ipad and confronted him, he admitted everything and said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or with her. I went away for a few days to clear my head and when I returned he said he wanted to be with me and all contact with the OW would stop. 2 days later he changed his mind and said he wasn't sure and then eventually ended things with me, I went away to my mums for a week and when I returned he had changed his mind again and begged me for forgiveness, again 2 days later he changed his mind again and in the end went and stayed with the OW for 2 weeks leaving me devastated. I have never cried so much in my life. After the 2 weeks he returned and said he had made a mistake and didn't want to be with her, he said living with her made him realise that he wants to be with me and that she isn't the person he thought and thinks she is actually a bit crazy. I was wary so insisted we take things slowly as I couldn't bear it if he changed his mind again, we went away with friends on a pre booked holiday in September which did us the world of good and things started to return to normal. The problem is that he is still texting the OW, sometimes all evening leaving me feeling really insecure and terrified it will happen again. I asked him why he is still texting her and he said she isn't taking their break up well (poor lamb!!) and is worried she will do something stupid. I've told him so many times how the texting makes me feel and tried to get him to see it from my point of view but he says he feels responsible for her and the texting will stop soon. Today I just feel so sad and fed up with everything, I feel like I'm the one making all the effort to rebuild our relationship and because I forgave him so easily and readily that he will keep doing what he wants. I love him and his DS so much, I can't imagine my life without them, what should I do? Give him an ultimatum? I think about him and the OW all day long and it keeps me awake at night, I just want it all to stop. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 19/11/2013 16:22

Yes get rid....

It is mentally cruel to continue contact with OW and think he can continue a relationship with you. You feel sad and fed up because of what he is doing to you, he is showing you no respect at all.

You don't deserve this, I wouldn't issue an ultimatum I would kick him out.

EQ2Junkie · 19/11/2013 16:24

Get rid.

Then get an STI check up.

You deserve better. Let her have this prize.

Original poster

lauralou85 · 19/11/2013 16:27

Thank you for your reply, its what I need to hear. After months of stress I don't think I can take anymore.

OP posts:

EQ2Junkie · 19/11/2013 16:27

Posted too soon.

Every time he texts her he shows you that she and her feelings are more important than you and yours.

That he sits there doing it in front of you shows you how much he respects you.

Putitonthelist · 19/11/2013 16:29

OP he has absolutely no respect for you or for the OW. How dare he continue to text her if you're supposed to be making a go of it! The texting will stop soon??? Is he for real? He is keeping you both dangliing - he is a coward and a cheat, you deserve so much more.

Jan45 · 19/11/2013 16:29

FGS, how easy are you making it for him, he's been back and forth prob as much as the OWs knickers have, please stop it because all you are doing is adding to the suffering he has already put you through.

I can guarantee he will carry on with her, or if not some other poor victim cos as things stands he can clearly do and treat you as abysmally as he sees fit with no consequences.

You are in love with the idea of a perfect relationship, you have and probably never will have this with him, he's already fucked it up to the maximum. Please save yourself from any more heartache and be kind to yourself, you have to.

TurnipCake · 19/11/2013 16:31

This wanker strings you along like a yo-yo and to add insult to injury, he's still in contact with her with some bullshit excuse (not so 'crazy' after all, eh?)

I think the time for ultimatums has passed. He has treated you (and continues to) with utter contempt. Time to kick him to the kerb.

No loving relationship keeps you awake all night or preoccupies your mind with thoughts of him and the OW. Your nerves already sound shot.

Umpire · 19/11/2013 16:32

He sits there texting her in front of you!!? That's such a total disregard of your feelings. He must think that he can sail really close to the wind and that u will just put up with it.
I know of a man with two women on the go. He said to his wife with exasperation "look! Would u not just accept it??!". :o :o

Fontofnowt · 19/11/2013 16:41

What will be too much?
Making you fist fight for his affection?
Offering him more children/money/sex than OW?
Leave him now and though it will hurt it will pass.
Stay and you will feel like this forever.

He's a bellend.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/11/2013 16:56

Please start imagining life without this man and his DS and then tell him to go. He's playing you and the OW off one against the other and taking you for a fool. You've been far too quick to forgive, your self-esteem must be on the bones of its arse and it's only going to get lower. So sorry this has happened to you but clinging onto this man's metaphorical trouser cuffs is doing you no favours whatsoever.

queenbitchapparently · 19/11/2013 17:01

Wtf! He is still texting her and you are letting him
Throw him out in his ass.
This will destroy your self belief. He has no respect for you.

PosyNarker · 19/11/2013 17:03

He has no respect for you whatsoever. Yes, get rid.

I'm assuming the OW knew he was attached? (Must've done with all the to-ing and fro-ing between houses). In which case, she's in a situation 50% of her own making.

Even if she was as pure as the driven snow in all this, your cheating DP would still be the wrong person to offer her support (at the expense of your feelings).

He's playing you both and keeping the options open a little longer IMO, which makes him a grade A arsehole.

custardo · 19/11/2013 17:07

he is an utter cock

and you cannot keep any self resepct it you keep on. Your confidence will be in tatters and you will become that woman who is paranoid over texts and emails and it will fail anyway
only this whole thing will leave you emotionally bereft

SomeDizzyWhore1804 · 19/11/2013 17:12

The OW is always "crazy" that is such a line. As of course is the wife. Something tells me he's telling her that you're the mad one and he's having to stay with you so you don't harm yourself.

He's a cheat, a liar and quite frankly, an absolute bellend. Get rid.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 19/11/2013 17:15

Tell the lying cunt to do one!!!!!

Hes hedging his bets seeing which one stumps up the better other.

Dont be his second choice!!!

Original poster

lauralou85 · 19/11/2013 17:22

Thank you everyone. You have made me see things clearly for the first time in months, he has completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence and I know I will be better off on my own. I'm done crying over him. Thanks again x

OP posts:

PosyNarker · 19/11/2013 17:27

Best of luck lauralou

yellowutka · 19/11/2013 17:33

I'm sorry you are in this shitty situation, what a knob. Tbh, it all seems to point to the possibility that he actually chose her but she isn't sure: that would explain all the to-ing and fro-ing when he 'chose you' then 'changed his mind' - he is trying to get her to choose him. Does he let you see the texts? He is calling all the shots here, and you need to take back some control: preferably by packing his stuff into bin bags and taking them to the nearest tip

and for you

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/11/2013 17:36

Definitely not worth another drop of saline... Get shot and your confidence will blossom. Stay strong.

itwillgetbettersoon · 19/11/2013 17:59

You can keep him touch with his son if you want.

I think once you get him to go you will so much better. He is taking the mick and this isn't how adult relationships should work.

Ask him to leave - you will feel so much better. X

HairyGrotter · 19/11/2013 18:09

Holy shit balls, the guy is a colossal cunt!

Really hope you kick him out of your life! Dafuq does he think he is?!

Mum2Fergus · 19/11/2013 18:12

Run for your life and take your pride and sanity with you xx

verytellytubby · 19/11/2013 18:36

Be strong. He is a total cunt.

forumdonkey · 19/11/2013 20:28

When you make the decision and take control you will feel more empowered and stronger. Take your power, dignity and self respect back and kick the bastard out. You don't deserve being treated like this and I'm not a blanket LTB.

Good luck and look towards a happy future

TheGinLushMinion · 19/11/2013 21:34

You will be well rid of this utter twat.

Pick up your self esteem & take great pleasure in telling him to fucking do one.

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