MIL wedding trouble

[Daniellem1983]

Hi this is my first time on mumsnet so excuse the lack of abbreviation knowledge. Basically my fiancé and and I have booked a wedding in a country hotel next year but the costs are really mounting up and my parents and myself are footing most of the bill and it just doesn't seem justifiable spending all of this money with 3 kids between us. Last weekend we decided that the best option will be to just cancel everything and go to vegas instead saving myself and my mum £6000 and we've decided to go alone and have a reception when we get back. My friends and family think its a great idea but when my fiancé told his mother she flipped out and said she wants no part of it. She has all of these grand ideas of how our wedding should be but she has is only paying £500 towards it. How should I deal with this situation without causing a massive wedge between us?

I'm not surprised she's upset. Her son is getting married and she won't be there. No matter how much she knows and appreciates it's what you both want, that's got to be disappointing and upsetting.

His poor mum will have been looking forward to the big do, being 'Mother of the Groom' and either she's a very unreasonable type or he didn't break the news to her about Vegas very well. Nothing to do with how much she's paying, really.

You're going to have to talk to her together and try to find some way pour oil on the waters. My DB opted to get married in Vegas and, even though I'm sure it wasn't intentional, he managed to piss everyone in his family off in the process. :) Good luck rescuing this one.

If you are happy to have just the two of you for the ceremony and then a reception, then why not have a small ceremony here for family and then the same reception you'd have had if you went to Vegas? You save even more money that way, and people get to share in the important bit - the ceremony.

Agree on the actual "I do" bit she must be v disappointed. That said, the £ saving is ridiculous.

My idea is registry here and Vegas as honeymoon. Same day. You, DP, parents. That's it. Big party later. She gets to be mum of groom and wear a dress. You get wonderful holiday n cheap wedding. Everyone's a winner !

If she isnt helping paying then she has, realistically, to understand that it's simply too expensive. Hopefully explaining that to her gently can get that over. How did your fiance put it? A phone call or visit to her might help.

Also she might be upset then think it over and calm down.

I suppose the other alternative to Vegas is simply to have a much smaller wedding (they can be great fun and more cosy than grand ones). But you would need to keep very tight control over it and she would have to accept that. Its not bad training for her actually; if you have children later she's bound to have strong ideas about that too and if she knows you are strong enough to keep to your own mind, she'll accept more easily rather than becoming pushy as so many mothers / mils do. She might not like it, but she will accept it.

Who was consulted in the decision to cancel the wedding? Did you discuss it with your parents before cancelling? Don't you think it would have been nice to discuss it with your mother in law before cancelling? It must have been a shock to be told of such a massive change.

I think how much people are contributing is completely irrelevant. She shouldn't have to pay money to be involved in your lives.

Otherwise, vegas is great so enjoy it

Couldn't you have a small wedding in the UK? It's a bit tough not allowing the future MIL to attend the wedding.

If she has grand ideas, then she will have to accept that you don't want that sort of wedding.

The problem with weddings is that it becomes a family affair and everybody has their own idea of what the wedding should be like. Having said that, it is YOUR day and you should do it the way you want.

She also might be a bit old school and see paying for the wedding as the brides family's responsibility, not saying I agree, but that could also be making her feel so unhappy. Especially if your family is going and she isn't. Put yourself in her shoes several years down the line if you have a son.

Foreign weddings rarely leave anyone except the bride and groom feeling happy.

I would agree that maybe having a small intimate wedding here to placate your MIL may go a long way but when you say:

"She has all of these grand ideas of how our wedding should be…"

it makes me think that may not placate her? And your comment on the little she was contributing was because she still wants what she wants, which is big wedding and all the glory so small and intimate won't be good enough either.

If that's the case you need to be assertive over things. My xMil was like this and in the end got her way and my first wedding was a completely horrific experience, not least because she was awful to my parents when they had forked out. You'll see a lot on here that people should be able to have the wedding they want and tough to anyone else. I'm not fully of that view as I believe weddings are about family. The bride and groom should matter most, but there's no point in upsetting family. You MIL needs to know that she can have her grand ideas but at the end of the day, that is not the wedding you two want. And whatever you do - do not accept if she offers to pay or you will lose control of your wedding and she will not care what you think or feel about.

Also, let your DHTB deal with his mother and her histrionics - that's the advice you'll get on most threads.

manchester the point of a wedding is not to please others though its to make marriage vows to each other. Surely when it comes down to it as long as the bride and groom are happy that's really what matters on the wedding day. I don't mean sod everyone else but what mil to be wants is out of their financial reach so the people funding it have made a decision to cut their cloth.

I wouldn't want to get in debt or spend savings on a big expensive wedding in this economic climate.

I think you can rescue this situation though. Both of you need to sit down and explain a marriage is more important than a wedding day and she will still get to be mog at party.

Congratulations btw and good luck

"It's a bit tough not allowing the future MIL to attend the wedding."

Am I reading another thread/OP? I can't see anywhere where the OP is not allowing her future MIL to attend her wedding? This woman's son is (also) choosing a small cheap no fuss wedding and together they are choosing not to invite family and friends!

MN is usually very much "your wedding your choice" so the majority of the responses up thread really astonish me. Poor mother of the groom indeed!

OP it's your wedding, and it sounds like you and your Mum would be paying for the big bash (your future H isn't paying half?). You already have children etc and you don't want a massive wedding. This is all fine.

Elope if you want to that is fine. Have tiny wedding/big party that is fine. Have the wedding you want to have - that is fine too. It's you and your fiances day - do what you want to do.

OP said "we've decided to go alone." I was just pointing out why she might be pissed off.

Thank you for all of your replies ?? I should have mentioned that everyone has the choice of coming but they will have to pay for their own flights and hotel but MIL said that she doesn't want to go to vegas because it's too tacky. I suffer with anxiety and the thought of having to say my vows in front of a hundred pairs of eyes terrifies me and money is a big issue for me because I don't want to get into debt for one day

Yes my fiancé is not footing half of the bill because he has been made redundant ??

Flight to the US, hotels, outfits, spending money etc will come to a lot more than £500 for your guests. That's principally why I didn't attend my DB's wedding when he did the same thing.

You say that people can go if they want to, but have you actually invited them? I only ask because you said in your first post that you are going alone. If I was your mil I might feel that I was muscling in if I came without an invite. Is your mum going?

It's fine to want a small wedding and I sort of wish that I had done that, but your plan just means that your guests are having to pay a lot of money if they do want to attend, even if you are saving money. I know that many people won't agree with my viewpoint, but I think weddings abroad can be problematic for this reason.

I probably wouldn't be madly keen on attending a wedding in Las Vegas, but I would go if it was my child getting married and I was invited. I would be incredibly upset to miss one of my children's wedding ceremonies and a party afterwards wouldn't quite make up for that.

Obviously if a Las Vegas wedding is what you both want then that is up to you, but there are other ways to save money. Our wedding was ridiculously cheap and cheerful. Lots of guests, but not many frills.

Oh and I would never throw my toys out of the pram whichever way my children decide to get married. One had hers last year and I'm pretty sure that it was just wanted she wanted. The other will probably have something completely different and I'm looking forward to that one too.

Crikey whose wedding is it?? Just do what you want and don't get suckered in to blackmail from anyone's family. What you're planning is perfectly reasonable so stand by your decision.
(And congratulations!)

At the end of the day it is your wedding day. Not MILs! It is about you and your H2B to make your vows and you should feel free to choose how you do this. I hate these guilt trippy mothers that make life difficult for their kids. You can't spend your life pleasing everyone. (Congratulations by the way! :-))

Bloody weddings.

H and I had what we thought was quite a low key wedding; civil ceremony in a converted barn at a pub, reception in a marquee attached to the barn and then a barn dance to end it.

Inlaws thought this was over the top! They phoned my parents and h countless times saying they thought it was not what h wanted (he did want it!)

Then fil refused to wear the same as the best man etc and both he and mil refused to wear the same corsages!

Do what you feel is best and that suits both you and your fiancé. Best wishes.

You don't have a MIL problem, you have a problem you e created by choosing to get married overseas.

its your day

tell her to do one

if you let her dominate at this stage you'll regret it

Do what you want, I think it's ridiculous when people get so involved in other peoples weddings! It's about getting married, not about whether MIL gets to wear a hat for the day, which is essentially what she's complaining about

I honestly don't understand the big fuss so many people have to endure just to get married, do it your way, invite (or not) who you want :)

Helpyourself, why shouldn't they get married wherever they want? It's none of anyone else's business

Well, it's your wedding. You don't have to have an enormous do to placate MIL. However, there's a middle ground between enormous UK country mansion affair, and Vegas, which might mean that those who are close to you both can attend. Remember it'd be cheaper for you but a hell of a lot more expensive for your guests.

Have you thought about the logistics of Vegas with 3 children by the way? Can't imagine they'll be allowed in many places.

Have you been to Vegas? It is tacky and full of druggies and prostitutes, I wouldn't call it the most romantic destination in the world. Each to their own. Why not just do a lovely but small wedding in the UK somewhere and then have an awesome honeymoon? You could be quite let down by Vegas, unless you want to pay $$$$ to get drunk and gamble.

You may find your MIL will tone down her expectations if you have a small wedding in the UK after traumatizing her with the idea of Vegas! I agree it is the bride and groom's day but also traditionally is a public event where the most important people in their lives witness the exchange of vows.