I want to hide away again today. Feeling those familiar dark clouds moving in once more.

[suspiciousmind29]

Hi

I already have a thread running in chat about helping me to be out and proud. Had some lovely messages and it's great to know that not everyone is like some of the nobs we've had to deal with.

Thought I was moving forward, but I feel so sad and actually, quite negative about things.

I've noticed a couple of the mums are really keeping their distance from me and it's becoming more and more obvious. The last couple of days, one of the mums who I used to get on with quite well, has completely blanked me. I've said hello and smiled, but she looks right through me. When I got back this morning I burst into tears. I tried to tell myself that it might not have anything to do with my new relationship, but I can't think of anything else it could be. I'm not really bothered about not speaking to her again tbh, she was hardly a proper friend or anything, but it's the principle that's upset me so much. My DD goes to a church school and some of the parents are very religious, so maybe she just doesn't approve. She doesn't let her son play with my DD anymore

Am I ever going to feel comfortable with all this? What if my concerns push my gf away? That would destroy me, but I can understand why she'd be hurt. She's so proud of our relationship, I wish I could feel the same. I'm proud of how amazing she is, but when I see people looking at us disapprovingly, I want the world to swallow me up.

I have actually told her how I feel, but she just says she can't understand why I can't just be happy and let go. I don't want to subtly move away her hand anymore. Or walk into a room and worry what people might think, or say.

I can't do it anymore. I just can't.

Obviously supposed to be *She doesn't let her son play with my DD anymore

I don't have anything helpful to say, just that that sucks, and that, like the poor, bigots are always with us. I can only say please don't allow this to destroy a good relationship. You need each other's support more than ever if some people in your community are being peculiar. I would imagine your gf has been out a long time whereas it's fairly new to you? You know intellectually this withdrawal says a lot more about them than it does about you, but emotionally it will take a lot longer to really believe it in your heart of hearts. Try to hold your head up and look as if you are not bothered, and hopefully in a little while it will become true. "Fake it until you make it", as the saying goes. I hate the thought that by disapproving, the lemon-lipped brigade stand a chance of breaking up a good partnership. They don't deserve to have that power!

Another thing to think about is that quite often there are threads on here from mothers who have been blanked by others in the playground, their children no longer invited round etc, for no reason they have been able to fathom. You could be as straight as a really really straight thing and live a totally conventional lifestyle with completely average everything - as if such a thing were possible - but someone, somewhere, would be likely to fall out with you regardless. Because, you know, people are funny.

Thanks Annie

I hate how I allow the bigots to have some kind of hold over me. It's not really like me. If someone told me this was happening to them, I would say exactly the same, but for some reason, I just feel really powerless and weak when it comes to this.

Don't get me wrong, if someone actually came up to me and said they had a problem with us and they have, then I would very much be able to hold my own and I have.

My mum's opinions can upset me sometimes too. She was much more supportive than I originally thought she would be, because tbf, she and my dad were borderline homophobic before I came out and said I had a gf. They both accept her, but I know they secretly wish I'd stayed with DD's dad, or at least just fallen for another man. My mum doesn't believe in gay marriage and is actually really quite anti. Me and my gf really want to get married at some stage and whereas she says she'll support us if that's really what we wanted, I couldn't have people there who I knew didn't really believe that it should be happening in the first place. It would ruin the whole thing for me.

It's all really dragging me down. I've suffered on and off with depression since I was 12 and I can feel it creeping up on me again. Gf hasn't seen this side of me yet, although I have told her about it. I know she'll be supportive, but I don't want her to see me like this.

Have you thought about having counselling? My teenage DBro self-harmed before he came out which was the main reason he started counselling.

I think its really given him space to think about everything and he seems much more comfortable nowadays, and he's out and proud and says that he pities the homophobic idiots at his school because he knows that they wouldn't have the confidence to wear something someone else thought was uncool, let alone be honest about who they are - as he has done.

You've internalised your parent's/conservative society's disapproval of who you are, and you maybe need some space to really process that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are entitled to be in a loving relationship. This is the UK (I presume) and 2013, its really okay for you to love who you want. I know its a big deal to you now if its newly out there and people adjust how they percieve you, but in 6 months time the gossips will be used to you and you'll know who your friends are.

Counselling might help with things like avoiding anticipating and mind reading 'what your mum really thinks'. She could well be genuinely trying to work out how to adjust to the new situation and wondering how to support you. Even if she says/does the 'right' things when you feel depressed you are likely to assume it isn't genuine.

People 'blank' each other all the time when they are preoccupied about thier own lives, she may not have meant to, but I can understand why you'd be sensitive about it.

Do you think you'd feel more confident if you lived somewhere more urban or even just somewhere new where people didn't know you before you came out?

I haven't read your previous thread so do feel free to ignore anything I've said that isn't relative to you and your situation.

Surely not all the parents disapprove. The vast majority wont surely . You jist need to find them and make friends, once you have some people on your side the disapprovers wont have as much impact if any.
Easy for me to say i know.

I can offer you a good night out in brighton - I'm in, sure other mumsnetters will rock up

If you live ages away you can stay at mine

Custy lovely offer but do you have the right thread? :o

I'm sorry you feel this way, OP. it is a horrible feeling to know others are judging / disapproving. But you know - you KNOW - that you have nothing to feel ashamed or bad about. Love is something to be proud of. You know it.

I agree that you perhaps need to make a concerted effort to focus on the positive - the people who DO talk to you and get along with you, those who are supportive or who make you feel comfortable - and ignore the fuckwits.

Hold your head up high.

yes yes - right thread,

i thought the op needed the offer of being cheered up - the custy way with DRINK

see op - stealth is in too -

Thanks everyone

spirit I actually had counselling for something over a year a go and I found it helpful at the time I suppose. However, a couple of weeks down the line, things started to come back to me again and I almost felt like I hadn't had any. Not sure how helpful it would be again, but I wouldn't necessarily rule it out. Glad your son is now out and proud now. You must be relieved that he's come out the other side. Yes, I definitely think I would feel more confident if we lived somewhere more urban. We live in a village, which I would say is quite old fashioned and so when we go out to our local for example, we do get a lot of comments and questions, which is just exhausting sometimes. We just want a quiet drink. We don't want to have to define our sexuality, or explain why I don't miss a man etc. Honestly, we've all sorts of inappropriate questions.

custardo, we did actually joke that we might need to move to Brighton A good night out sounds good. Like I said, we've stopped going out in our local city, cos it just wasn't worth the agro. If we do go out, we'll just go out to one or two bars and leave it at that. The gay bars in our city are rubbish! We went once and that was enough! Thanks for the offer

Demba, thanks for that. Hopefully one day I'll be able to hold my head up and just be proud. It's weird though, cos I seem to be going backwards. In the beginning I was kind of oblivious to negative comments etc, I just didn't care. After a couple of months though, it really started to bother me, but then the comments/incidents got worse, so that's probably why.

Suspicious - had a think about this last night. Sorry to say something so cringey but my best friend is a lesbian and she and her partner have a child, and are coming up against some quite nasty behaviour at the church school their child attends.

If you think the behaviour is becoming bullying, or that the school should or could be doing more to support you as a family, then I take back what I said. You dont just have to 'rise above it'. You and/or your partner are within your rghts to challenge it. You shouldnt be made to feel bad about yourself on a daily basis when you are dropping your child to school!

I just wondered why you are feeling increasingly anxious and jidged? Is it actually because you are having to face increasingly unkind, prejudiced behaviour?

Custy id be there in a shot if you could call 8 hours on a train 'a shot' :(

Hi Suspicious. Sorry to hear that. Do you live in a conservative type area? I'm only asking as I (not in the UK) live in a very wealthy white middle class area and after becoming a single parent a few years ago, I noticed a really big change in attitudes.

I'm not sure if it was uncomfortableness with emotions (I was left suddenly and not my choice/saw it coming) or what but 3 years on, its clear that as I don't fit into the big 4-wheel drive, partner on hand to invite around for dinner etc certain (not all) parents have withdrawn their social friendship. I think it is unease/fear of difference in whatever shape or form.

I've also noticed - and only posting as I had a bit of a revelation today - that many (not all) of my (new) friends are some of the few lovely women who have some point of difference; primarily race (there are few non blondes around here :) -- certainly not conscious on my behalf but I think because we are open and friendly and some people aren't.

I can imagine that throw sexuality into the mix and the stepford mum's attitudes might go into overdrive. But I guess the key is to remember that not all people are like that, to find and forge new friendships and to remember 'just fuck 'em'. in the meantime...not a nice feeling x

and by open and friendly I mean someone baffled by closed minds of others...and not having a requirement for friends to fit into the exact same paradigm of our own lives...

yes yes move to brighton or move just outside brighton like me, its oozing lezzers round 'ere - but the only gay pub in the village is really shit

PM me if ever you fancy going out

ooh ohh, PM me in about june and come with to pride next year - really mean it

a MN pride meet - THAT would be awesome, can't believe i didn't think of that before

Demba, I'm not really sure if I'd say I felt I was being bullied by the other mums. I'm just feeling uncomfortable and there is definitely a change in attitudes from some of the mums since they noticed that my new partner was a woman. So it's a difficult one, because there's nothing I can really do about it, but at the same time, no, it's not right. I sometimes just want to ask, do you have a problem with me? Are you anti gay? Because I kind of want to expose them for what they are. I would say a lot of these mums would say that they are accepting of all minority groups, just to be pc, but when it actually comes down to it, they're the same ones who shield their dc's away from mine, in case my sexuality is catching or something. Of course I'm not saying that this is everyone's opinion, but nevertheless, it bloody hurts sometimes.

downunder, yeah I'd say that I live in a fairly conservative area. It's incredibly cliquey and yeah, I've noticed that most in the clique do tend to look down on anyone who wouldn't fit in to it. Ie, don't live in a big house, are a single parent, or aren't on every single board in the school/village. It's just not nice. Even if I did have all the 'criteria' for their clique, I wouldn't want to be in it. I just don't want to feel like some kind of freak.

custardo, I live in Nottingham, so I'm not that close, but will definitely think about it. Can't tell you how nice it would be to go out and just blend in. How long have you lived there?

I have lived outside brighton for 13 years ish

Gosh, it makes me so cross. Why are people such dicks?

Good question Demba Why indeed.

Hi suspicious
Sorry to hear you’re coming up against this. Take comfort in the fact that not everybody is as prejudiced and backward-thinking as some of the mums at your playground. I’m not sure I have any advice except to have faith in yourself and try to develop a thick skin (easier said than done I know!)
On the plus side, at least you get to find out if people are idiots at an early stage and therefore not bother wasting energy cultivating a friendship (just trying to think of a positive thing to keep you going)! Take care.

Flip, that's a good point. Very true.

My gf actually asked me at the weekend what was wrong, which kind of caught me off guard. I know I've been extra paranoid recently, but for some reason, I thought I was keeping it well hidden.

I told her that I was just struggling a bit recently and that past comments have kind of reared their ugly head. She's not angry with me, but I can see that she's disappointed and hurt that I shouldn't give it any brain space. My worst fear is that she thinks that maybe I'm having second thoughts, or maybe I don't feel as strongly for her as she does for me. That's just not the case.

What if I lose her because of it? How would I get over that? I would feel like it was all my fault for being so weak and letting the bigoted morons win.