Depression v miserable, mil and dh

[Pinkpinot]

Don't really know where to start, or what to discuss first
This could be long
Mil called this morning. She lives abroad, I see her twice a year max, but she just visited for 3 weeks, which was just short of being a disaster.
She called to give some v important news about her health.
Then she says she thinks I am depressed
There's no doubt I'm miserable, but I workedv hard not to show this when she was here, tried to cover over our marital issues
But she left thinking ds is uncontrollable and I'm a terrible bad mother
Ds is a handful but behaviour was compounded with her not leaving the house and being in his face all the time
Anyway- one if the reasons I'm miserable is because dh, her precious son is miserable, depressed, shouty, abusive, lying, drinking, coke snorting selfish prick who regularly stays out til all hours and tells me lies
But this from mil makes me think that dh has been talking to her and trying to shift the blame onto me
We also have v good friends that I think he has been making these kind of suggestions to.
I know he has said similar to his best mate

Fwiw I have discussed all this with the gp
Along the lines of " my husband is stressed, shouty, taking it out on me, I feel shit"
After a lot of resistance from me, I finally tried the ads, but felt nothing different
Gave them a good go
I also had counselling where all I did was talk about how unreasonable dh was
Dh is also on ads and there is a marked difference in his temper when he runs out

There's really no hope for me and dh
I don't really know what I want from this thread
Maybe talk about the form depression takes

But I guess I know what's in store from dh when we split

LTB. I speak as someone who's ex has done his best to continue the abuse post-split - false reports about me to the police, to social servcies, protracted court cases etc. Whatever he does, frankly, it's still better than waking up every day to face the bastard.

Of course your H is shifting the blame to you - that's what abusive people do. Why would you be surprised when a rabid squirrel bites? That's what they do.

You're not going to feel better till you've left him. Well, all the more incentive to go as soon as you can.

agood counsellor would have helped you shift to leaving h outside the room and focusing on you and how you feel and building your self esteem and coming up with strtegies to move forward...

you ahve no need to speak with MIL, except for practical arrangemetns about seeing DS if applciable.

move forward, separate, get more specific counselling and move onwards and upwards.

2 relationship counsellors, probably completely taken in by Dh's show.
The counsellor for me was actually from a specialised domestic abuse unit. Seriously all she did was let me talk.
How to I find a good counsellor that can support me through leaving him
Or give me the strength and conviction to do it!

I think ADs, counselling and so on can only tackle the symptoms. You have to tackle the cause which seems pretty obvious. Yes it sounds as though he'll put it around that you're unreasonable or depressed etc. but, if you're already thinking in terms of splitting, who cares what anyone thinks? You'll know the truth.

Courage!

Could it be depression or could it be that DH is making your life so bloody miserable you're misdiagnosing? Which is why the AD's didn't work.

With regard to his mum he will be blaming you right left & centre trying to shift the attention from his own behaviour. If he's doing coke & drinking maybe he wasn't at home so much so she didn't realise. Forget her, if you're leaving him it doesn't matter what she thinks.

If he is doing coke & drinking then he won't change unless he wants to, which may not happen very soon.

Also having your mil to stay for 3 weeks is unlikely to make you feel good :)

Do you think if you left him you would feel better? Has your relationship reached its end?

Yes I think I'd be happier
I've done as much as I can to help him
I don't think I'm depressed, just fed up

ADs can to a certain extent help you detach from the situation and see it more clearly, less mixed up in emotion. However, it's wrong that you should have to take chemicals to alter your mood when there is nothing wrong with you to start with, you're just being made miserable by circumstances. I think that is very likely to be the case, although it may be more complicated; I'm not a GP and even if I were I haven't examined you! Anyway, the point is, whether you have depression or not your situation is still not happy and not sustainable.

Just think, if you LTB you can also be rid of his ghastly mother. I'd call that a bonus.

Why don't you phone his mother & let her hear from you what her son has been up to. What good is it doing you by keeping it to yourself? Put yourself first & start telling people the truth. Your H is setting you up to take all the blame when this marriage fails.

She's actually not v well
And it's not fair to drag her into it at this stage
I think she knows a few things, she's certainly seen his temper and snappiness, but I think she forgives him because he's stressed and tired and works hard
But he's her son, she's always going to be on his side

I'd love to put lots of people right about him

she is always going to be on his side - so either forget her as not worth bothering about or tell her
i would say " of course in fucking miserable, wouldn't you be with a depressed, shouty, abusive, lying, drinking, coke snorting selfish prick who regularly stays out til all hours and tells me lies"

His mother is overseas, which is good, you can avoid speaking to or seeing her!

Your life with your H sounds awful. Make secret plans to leave?

Well just had a row
Every row he will bring up
How hard he works
A member of my family
Me not seeing much of my friends
Usually me not working, and having a jolly but that didnt come up tonight