My husband is suffering from paranoia & hates me! Need help!

[LUCIA22]

My husband hasn't spoken to me since Sunday but told me this morning that I have a week to ge a solicitor as he is divorcing me. He thinks I am being unfaithful but I am not, and never have been. I think he s suffering from paranoia. It is not the first time he has accused me. All his evidence is based on body language he thinks he as seen. Ths time it's to do with where I sat at the table for a family gathering on Sunday. I posted on a thread on Sunday abut aspergers as he has recently been to the doctor as he thinks he has it. The doctor however was not v helpful. He has now as a result gone into a cycle of believing that he is fine and its everyone else that is wrong. This is mainly directed at me. He has a whole list of times e thinks that I have been up to something, all wrong but I can't prove it. I love him very much and it breaks my heart to se him like this but I am also terrified of what is going to happen and I am helpless to do anything about it. I have an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow but I don't think he will agree to go back now. I am thinking it could be acute paranoia or bi polar. He had a bad case of paranoia last Christmas brought on by stress but came through it and convinced the doctors he was fine. It was horrible, v scary. I don't want to break up over something like this. We have two small children it would break their hearts if that happened. They are just wondering now why daddy is sleeping in the spare room. What can I do?

I'm not sure the OP wants to give it 40 years....

No I'm sure she doesn't. Having seen it for myself I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy. Mental illness is bad enough, but dealing with someone who won't admit to a problem is a special kind of hell.

OP, I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in and wish you well with whatever happens.

Of course it's possible that the GP was an idiot. Some are.

It's also possible that the GP did not, in fact, say what the husband reported he had said, unless the OP was present and heard it with her own ears. He may have interpreted the conversation rather differently to how it was intended.

He isn't abusive. He is a lovely man who loves his children.
All the accusations are so completely irrational that it is clear that something is not right in his thinking. He admits it himself usually. Unfortunately right now the part of hs brain telling him that is not working and he is delusional. He is not always like this and it has kind of crept up ver the space of 12yrs. At first I thought I had maybe done or said something inappropriate but as time went on there was a pattern and usually a trigger. He does have a stressful job, has used drugs in the past and has issues with his family all of which I think contribute to this. I could just walk away and say that I don't need the hassle but how would I feel if the person who s supposed to love and care fr me did that when i Needed help. I love him and so that is easier said than done.
I know that I need to consider my children, but they need a daddy who is well and can be with them. I would rather that was within our family if at all possible.

I don't feel emotionally strong enough to deal with a traumatic break up and stay in control for my children so I am seeing the GP as much for myself as for him. If he won't go to see them then I am not sure that there is much I can do until he admits he needs help or breaks down.

You do have to consider yourself and your children. It is perfectly possible to remove yourself and them (or preferably him) from a very stressful situation and then to support him in getting the help he needs but separately where he can't harm you with his accusations and aggression. It's not 'walking away'.

Please get this moved to mental health, you will get a far saner response! Can you speak to your own doctor about your worries? It sounds like your DH's last doctor was a total arse.

Everyone is right that you need to keep yourself safe, because if he is delusional he may be a danger to you. That doesn't mean you cannot help him though.

OP I think that you know your husband best and that he does appear to have some mental health problems, but it will be very difficult to help him if he won't admit it. The historic drug taking may well have contributed to his problems too.

I think at the moment you need to help yourself and your children. I don't know if MIND would be a suitable place to get some support. I've just goggled it and they do appear to have a section for families helping relatives with their problems, so hopefully they can be of some help to you too.

Have you spoken to the GP yourself about your husband's problems? I'm sorry I can't remember if you've already said. It may not get you anywhere, but you never know.

"I could just walk away and say that I don't need the hassle but how would I feel if the person who s supposed to love and care fr me did that when i Needed help. I love him and so that is easier said than done.
I know that I need to consider my children, but they need a daddy who is well and can be with them. I would rather that was within our family if at all possible."

OP, I've been where you are, and I felt the same. I wasn't going to walk out on someone who so obviously needed help. But, if the person you love is refusing to get help, there does come a point when you have to consider what is best for yourself and your children. It isn't fair on any of you to have your lives revolve around someone who is making you so unhappy and refusing to do anything to help himself.

Having just read the post by SaskiaRembrandt I just wanted to add a bit more. I wouldn't normally put this one the internet, but I feel that this could be useful in some way.

The spouse of the relative that I have mentioned died a long time ago well before their time. They did have a slightly unhealthy lifestyle, but I think that the stress of dealing with a very difficult situation was a reason for this. There was an element of burying their head in the sand too. The children were then left to pick up the pieces and have had to deal with various mental health crisis over the years. It hasn't been easy.

What I'm trying to say is that your desire to keep your family together and help your husband is admirable, but it may or may not be the right thing to do. Try to get yourself some real life help and then see how you feel.

Ultimately if your husband wants a divorce there isn't much you can do to prevent it.

I have spoken to CAB who told me that he can't issue divorce until we have been married over a year (we have been together for 12yrs but only married in May this year). I told him this when he asked me today if I had got a solicitor yet. Seems he hasn't spoken to anyone about it yet.

It would be expensive for either of us to move out and rent somewhere. I am leaving that to him as it is him who wants us to split.

He doesn't really have any friends, may be one he meets up with occasionally. I am hoping he speaks to him and maybe if he can put things in perspective he might consider the dr again. I have an appointment tomorrow and will ask if they will try calling him in for another appointment.
I am starting to realise that I may have no option but to go along with a separation if that's wha he wants. I can't go on living with this atmosphere. It really upsets me though. Dreading telling the children, but won't do that just yet.

Hi there,

I've been lurking for a while but couldn't not post on this one.. I'm a psychiatric nurse and was so sorry to hear about what's happening for you both at the moment.

Your partner may well be suffering from MH problems - he may well be experiencing mild psychosis (which would include paranoia) which may be a result of anxiety/stress or even a manic episode of bipolar with psychotic features (although you would notice other indicators for this normally, e.g. increased energy/agitation/disinhibition/rapid speech). Alternatively it could just be his personality and he is someone that has paranoid traits which are exacerbated by stressful life events.

But enough of all the jargon - most GPs that I know have very little understanding of MH difficulties and you are well within your right to request a referral into MH services on his behalf. He can then meet with a trained professional who will look at his thoughts, feelings and behaviours and make a better call to what is going on here. This may take some time however. If more urgent maybe consider calling a Crisis Team in your area (where abouts are you?) who should be able to provide 24/7 support by telephone and in person. If you feel he is currently posing a danger to himself or others then this is definitely the way to go.

If he refuses to have any involvement with services and you feel his behaviour is escalating, becoming less manageable, that he is posing a threat to you or your family, then you would have grounds to request a formal mental health act assessment whether he wants to engage with it or not. I imagine currently this would be massive over-kill territory.

Good luck at the GP - they should at least have access to a Crisis Team telephone line for advice,

x

Thanks Underthepink. We did have contact with the Crisis team last year when he had quite a major breakdown, psychotic episode. We put it down to some medication that he had for dental work but I now think it was triggered by stress. He recovered well and didn't attend a follow up appointment as seemed fine. He has not had anything like that since.
It was easier to get help then as t was more extreme. Now, apart from his accusations towards me, he is carrying on as normal and could easily convince someone that his thoughts are perfectly rational. He has often had me convinced that my behaviour has been inappropriate although I know that I have done nothing wrong.
I am hoping that th GP I see tomorrow will be more helpful. I think that his symptoms are quite mild but have the potential to be worse, for his own good he needs to get assessed.

It can be hard with psychosis to diagnose either way as people can teeter on the "okay" side and contain things relatively well. Usually there comes a breaking point though and I'm sure the crisis team would be available to discuss options with, particularly if the GP proves to be unhelpful.

The reality is though he likely to get better or worse at some point - hopefully the former, but if the latter then at least you will be able to more readily access help. When things do eventually improve he will hopefully have some insight into what he has been saying/doing. If he is deemed to be psychotic at any point then he would also possibly be deemed to lack capacity (cognitively) to make any changes, legally, to your marriage/finances etc. Your solicitor should know this.

I really feel for you though - I suppose try not to take his accusations or comments completely to heart (easier said than done!) as his thoughts and feelings at the moment are kind of out of his control. When things do improve it might be worth considering a bit more formal follow up from mental health services - mainly to support you as well.

Good luck for tomorrow!

Sorry? It's not me telling the OP to separate... it's her DH.

it's not the paranoia that is making me worry so much...although that is a worrying thing whether from mental health issues or because he is using it to control you...it was this

"He is the financial brains in our house and so will make sure he has everything sorted to ensure I get v little"...no otherwise loving partner would do this, even if they wanted to divorce

"he falls out with people a lot" this is not new due to extreme MHissues he has based his life set up and business around it.

"It's really knocked my confidence as I am now really self aware around people for fear of provoking something and never go out with friends" you have to change your behaviour so are isolated from your support network.

"He thinks the whole world is communicating in a way he doesn't understand but it's mostly women". This could be MH paranoia but why just women?

Absolutely get all the support that you can from the MH agencies and MIND can be a great help...but don't ignore your own safety or that of your DC. Also see if you can make sure that you have some financial security in your marriage, you are a partnership. If he becomes acutely ill you will need to be able to cope and if he pursues separation ditto.

Loving and supporting him can be done without putting yourself at risk

The thing with mental health is that people can intervene for a person's best interests. You speaking to the GP when he has already been there should all help towards that. If it does end up with you separating because it doesn't seem like he's 'ill' then there's a good chance the stress from that will push him over into psychosis again and he will get help. It may not have to come to that though. Reach out, crisis team/cpn's etc. Keep asking for help and eventually you'll get it. You need to share with RL people. Maybe someone who was at the family gathering could talk sense to him? Are there any men he trusts/is close with you could speak to? You'll also need your own family for support. Good luck.

He didnt make a scene at the gathering, just made excuses and left. although it was odd most thought he was ill. My sister knows the truth but if she spoke to him he would deny it or say she was covering up for me. Last year he was convinced that my whole office was covering up for an affair he thought I was having.
i noticed this morning that he has taken his wedding ring off which left me quite shicked. My daughter is upset that Daddy has not been around this week much. she knows something is up. I feel so scared for her.
At work now trying to keep it hidden but at some point everyone will have to know. That I find hideous thought. I know I am not the first in this situation, I admire the bravery of those who take control & dont care what others think. Just hope I get something positive from Dr this afternoon.

Hey Lucia, how did you get on at the GP?

This is precisely why I stepped forward even tho i knew I would be ridiculed by Joe Public, but so that people like her husband could recognize they had issues and get help x

LUCIA- what happened? It would be helpful to know your outcome for others dealing w paranoid spouses whom we love who have small children in the balance. Ty!

Hi Lucia,
I can totally understand your situation. What has happened oin the end?