Sad Granny

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I thought I'd post this on behalf of a friend who is having a problem and then send her the link. Don't want to embarrass or out her with too many details so I'll try to stick to the bones of the story.

She's the sad granny in the title and has a DD and son-in-law with DCs. They live in the same town but for many years they all shared a house with my friend providing childcare for her DD who was then a lone parent working away. The GCs stay over and visit frequently. Both the DD and my friend are quite fiery characters who have often locked horns, not least about the DCs with whom my friend is understandably very close and very protective towards. Probably too close and protective for their DM's liking.

The eldest GC is a teenager and this week, very upset, asked if they could stay with gran because things were difficult at home. My friend agreed and, when the GC arrived, it was clear they'd been physically attacked. Their DM had lost her temper. Horrified, my friend took her in and let the parents know the GC was safe. The following day, the parents picked up the GC directly from school, took them home, removed mobile phones etc and have now told my friend that she is never to contact any of them again. My friend is distraught.

I suggested reporting the assault but she's very reluctant to do that. She's asking me if grandparents have any legal rights which I don't think they do. However, I've also suggested that it's difficult/impossible to tell a teen who they can and cannot see. Wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation with grand-children and had any words of wisdom.

Grandparents don't have legal rights, no. She really should report this to the police and social services, especially if the child's safety net (her) is being withheld.

I think she should do something - maybe talk to the school. Difficult to shop your own daughter, but there is a child involved here. How badly attacked was she?

There were visible bruises on the face.

I think granny should probably be ok re contact - teens can contact and see who they want. The teens friends will have mobiles, no way can you stop a teen contacting who they want. Added to which the DM has a fiery temper and will probably calm down and retract the no contact thing. Particularly when she needs some childcare.
I wouldn't report the hitting to the police at this time. That doesn't mean that it can never be reported but it means that things have a chance to calm down without being inflamed further.

I think things will calm down if she takes a step back but I can see why she's worried and doesn't know what to do for the best.

Bruises on her face ? If your friend doesn't report it, please can you?

Is it a stepfather living with the DD and the grand daughter?

I know it sounds dramatic, but best o get it checked out now and stopped. It's too late when she's dead. Whats the next step in a loss of control so bad that you leave visible bruises on a childs face?

Honestly Cog, that child needs help. My 10 yo DS drives me mad, but I can't imagine ever leaving a bruise on his face or allowing anyone else to do so. Let us know how they get on?

I have no experience of such a situation. However, I'd still suggest that a call to the pastoral team at the child's school would be a good starting point. The child has clearly asked for help from family and is being prevented from accessing it. The child may well have done something terrible - that Granny might not know about, but to have been physically punished for whatever reason is dreadful.

I agree- a quiet, low-key approach to the school. This is worrying enough to merit some outside intervention.

I wouldn't try to see the teen or contact the parents just yet, because that is likely to entrench them in their over-reaction to your friend. Nor indeed assume anything about what is going on and who has done what to whom.

she could call NCPCC I'm sure they'd help her think through what to do. How old is the teenager? there's a big difference between a 13 and a 17 yr old, eg in terms of being able to seek help and safety.

The school should have made a record of the bruises on her face so a call to the teacher responsible for child protection to add context would really be useful.

Gosh, I didn't realise Cog was the poster. Aren't you normally really sensible and sage on here? I think you need to detach and re-read your post as though someone else had written it. The NCPCC may be able to advise confidentially.

Yes, age is very relevant here.

It's definitely the DM that has assaulted the GC (15yo) and not the step-father. I will suggest both the NSPCC and the school options to my friend. I have considered reporting it myself

@Blinkey.... thank you for the 'sensible and sage' tag :) As I say, I've given her my own ideas and suggestions already but it's a difficult situation & I am always willing to learn from others who may have had more direct experience.

The bruises on the pupils' face should be questioned by the school as staff are required to have child protection training which is updated regularly - though it may be different in England.

The NSPCC call is good advice but I would be tempted to phone the school. Either Gran or you could do this. Maybe it could be an anonymous call? If the school knows the truth, they may be able to speak to the pupil in such a way that she will tell them the truth which can then be acted on. This would protect the vital relationship with Gran.

It would be useful to have someone at the school who has seen and recorded the extent of the injury.

Also, if the pupil is not at school (with a bruised face) the school should act quickly to get a EWO to visit the pupil TODAY.

Correction required..... the parents didn't pick the GC up from school but from a different location which I omitted as it would be identifying. I think the parents are actually keeping her off school so the teachers won't have seen anything. Increasingly thinking school is the way forward for gran.

A fifteen year old having her face bashed up by her mother - surely a no-brainer when it comes to reporting it to someone ... ?NSPCC, Police, school? There's a hell of a differenc between a slap (which is STILL totally unacceptable) and the sort of hitting that leaves bruises.

Sounds like the mother of the teenager needs a wakeup call - this could escalate and the child could be seriously hurt in a future incident.

I think a call to tip off the school/EWO is worth it. They are very likely to have dealt with similar situations before and the caller may not even have to identify themselves as the pupil being off from school should tell them it's not malicious iyswim. The sooner someone can see the pupil, the better.

I used to be hit by my mum at the same age. I had bruises all over my arms from fending her off. She once had her hands round my throat whilst she threatened to kill me.

I posted on here recently about it under a different name. The abuse has continued in one form or other my whole adult life. I eventually went no contact when my mother floored me this summer. I think you even posted on my thread advising no contact before it all came to a head. I actually had my mother arrested in the end.

I look back and wish to God that an adult had stepped in 20 years ago. I urge you to report it. As a teenager I was simply too scared, and weirdly too loyal to my mum to tell anyone the truth. If someone else had done it for me, I think it would have been easier to 'tell on her' as the cat would have been out of the bag already and she couldn't have blamed me.

giggle that shocking to have experienced that.

Update... my friend has decided that she's going to have a word with the school. Fingers crossed. Thanks for all the ideas everyone.

giggle that's so sad.

Cogito I hope it all goes well for your friend's GC. It must be very hard for them both in that situation.