Grieving dh - how should I 'be' around him?

[Doubtfuldaphne]

I have no experience of a close family member passing away
My dh has just lost someone unexpectedly and I don't know if I've been supportive enough
I've tried to keep him positive but given him space to grieve, I've kind of kept everything normal..does anyone have any advice for me?
Thank you

Be careful when trying to keep things positive that it doesn't come across as you dismissing his feelings or trying to get him to move on quicker than he feels ready. Be open to his grief, let him lead you.

You may find it helpful to read up on the bereavement process, acknowledgement of his feelings will go a long way and help him to feel supported.

There's no right way or wrong way. Maybe don't try to "keep him positive" - it's not positive, you can't pretend things are fine - sometimes you do just need to wallow a bit. Keeping him positive sort of sounds like you're dismissing what he's feeling, or that it's not valid to be feeling low.

When my father died, I think DH was so scared of saying the wrong thing that he didn't really say anything much - but I knew he was there if I needed it. He was just a comforting, reassuring presence. I knew I could talk to him about it if I wanted to (and for a long time, I didn't want to) - so just make sure your DH knows that. Just be that reassuring presence.

the five steps of loss and grief

I did some training on grief last year and one of the key things that stuck with me was that it is very important to normalise how the grieving person is feeling. Society burdens the grieving with a lot of expectations in terms of how they should feel and behave, what's an acceptable timeframe etc - give your dh permission to grieve however he wants.

I think it's important to be yourself. If you're the jokey type, don't suddenly become mega-serious, for example, and vice versa. When you're grieving because there has been some sudden and disastrous change, I think it helps to know other things are still the same. Also I think rather than too much asking 'are you OK?'... which can become annoying.... an occasional 'do you want to talk?' or 'can I do anything for you?' is a little easier to respond to.

For me, this was when words weren't important to support me. What worked was a knowing look, a squeeze of my hand, a hug. When my hubby sensed I was ready to talk, he asked how I was feeling and if there was anything he could do to help me I needed to ask as he wasn't as good at this sort of thing as I was. That made me smile.

Ask your DH what support would help him the most, and 'check in' with him fairly regularly for updates on this. Tell him basically what you've said here - that you love him and what to support him during this difficult time, but aren't sure how.

I don't think you can generalise about what your DH would need, even if you had been through a bereavement like this yourself. Some people want to talk stuff through and want emotional back-up, others might want lots of small acts of kindness - cooking your DH a dinner he really enjoys, making a cup of tea in bed for him on a Saturday morning - so that they feel loved while they work through their own feelings.

The fact you are thinking about it means I doubt you'll go far wrong. If your marriage is happy you probably do the right things for your DH in any case

When DH's father died I noticed very little difference in him, outwardly.

I guess people all grieve in their own way.

I know I felt quite at sea, so i just carried on as normal and tried not to have any expectations of how he should be feeling or reacting.

No advice really, I'm not sure my approach was great.

Be honest with him. Let him know that you're worried about saying or doing the wrong thing but that you want to give him all the support you can. Say that you'll support him in whatever way he needs, whether it's giving him space, a shoulder to cry on, keeping things normal, or a combination. I don't think it's harmful to acknowledge the fact that you're worried about acting in the wrong way at a difficult time like this.

My DP's father died a very slow and painful death about a year into our relationship, so I worried about supporting him through that and his Dad actually dying. Actually saying that I was worried in case I wasn't supporting him in the 'right' way or said the wrong thing made it easier for both of us.