Is it my fault?

[TheMidnightHour]

I am so unhappy, and I don't see how to change it. I think my partner (of 10 years) is very selfish and self-absorbed and I don't see how I can accomplish any of my own dreams if he won't compromise on his comforts.

I have had a year from hell, and even at the worst points I've had to remind him to think about me. The nadir was when in the days leading up to my father's funeral he was trying to plan to help and cater for his parents who would be in town for a few days, scheduling every minute (even the Day Of) until I actually had to say 'I want you to be with me those days, your parents will have to cope on their own'.

He was really upset when he realised what he'd done. He's not a bad guy, he's not cruel or violent, he tells me he loves me regularly, he gives me cuddles when I'm sad and smiles when he sees me. He does all the cooking and is good at his job. He's bright and funny. And he's driving me crazy.

When we first lived together, my dreams did not impact his comforts much. We argued about who would do which chore, but as I had my Dream Job a ten minute walk from his Dream Job, and we both wanted kids Some Day Not Now, and had no real responsibilities, beyond paying the rent, it was fine.

Over the years, it's changed and through our arguments, we've learned more about each other. I've realised that many of the things he said he wanted, that were very important to me, were not really important to him. He's happy, for example, if we stay just where we are forever. And I'm not. I've lived in his country for most of the last 10 years, and that's about 6 years longer than I planned.

I've also realised that he just doesn't look out for me, for my wants and needs, the way I look out for him. As a result, I've spent the last 10 years, working towards his goals as well as my own, trying to help him succeed, and he hasn't done the same. It's therefore no surprise that, looking back, we've accomplished more of his goals than mine.

Before the Year From Hell, as I like to call 2012, started I had just come off medication for depression (to start TTC - not a hint of a sniff of a BFP at any point) so it's not surprising that tYfH sent me into a dark place. I would like to go somewhere literally brighter, as I know SAD makes it worse. I would like to go somewhere new, interesting and challenging, perhaps learn a new language, as this also helps, and living overseas is something I've dreamed of doing.

But he won't leave his job (he's a contractor, typically works 8-10 months a year, so it would not be a big deal to leave this job, another one would be possible in a couple of months) and so I feel like I'm stuck unless I leave him.

I don't want to leave him. I love him so much. But I don't know if it's reasonable to hope that he changes, and if so, I don't know how to help him to change. I try to be really clear and spell out what's going on, but it's not making enough of a difference. E.g. 'I am upset. When you forget my birthday, it makes me feel like I don't matter to you. You matter a lot to me, so I want to feel like I matter to you...' but the effects last max 3 days. I want him to:

• listen to me, and learn me, so he can comfort me when I'm sad (he usually just doesn't say anything, and I get more and more unhappy and wound up)
• hear my hopes and dreams, and encourage me to accomplish them (knowing what they are would be a great start)
• give me a nudge when I'm scared, so I try new things (just knowing what I'm scared-to-do-but-want-to would be a great start)
• take a bit of interest in my hobbies and passions, so I can talk to him about them (rather than ignoring any that aren't his passions. Even sitting through a TV show he can't really be bothered with would be a start.)

Is this unreasonable? Is it possible to change? He says he wants to, he says he's sorry, he's not good enough, he's sorry he makes me unhappy, but it's been about 3 years, including couples counselling, and I've lost hope. I no longer believe in change but I don't know if I can live like this. But I can't imagine being without him. I've been with him since I was 20, and I want to have kids with him. I just want him to wake up and remember what we've talked about, and act on it, first!

As much as you feel you love him, I think you sound incompatible.

You only get one life and I get the impression from your post that you feel you have wasted the last ten? years.

You have tried to explain your point of view how many times now? Nothing has changed. It probably never will.

It's not been 3 years it has been 10 years. 10 years of you doing things to make his life and dreams better while yours don't get the same support.

Why would he change he gets what he wants. You complain a little, he promises to change and then a few days later when it has calmed down he goes back to putting himself first.

He gains nothing from changing.

The only thing that may make him change is when you have finally had enough and give up and end your relationship because only then will he actually lose something.

What you're asking for is not unreasonable....however,do you think it's wise to be ttc when these basic needs of yours are not being met? It is possible he CAN change,but it will take open and honest communication,understanding and commitment on his part and then he needs to show it through his actions.

He sounds very self absorped and self centred.. If everything you say goes in one ear and straight out the other then he isn't actually lostening to you and taking it on board.

I would suggest sitting him down and having a conversation where you inform him of what YOU want and the support you need from him,i.e with regards to wanting to move abroad and learning new skills. Ideally,these are the kinds of things you want to do BEFORE having children considering the upheaval and finances involved. If he can't/won't support/discuss this with you now and is too self centred to even show interest in the little things you enjoy (tv progs etc) then what do you think will happen when a dc comes along? You will end up even more stressed and resentful and on top of that you will be financially either worse off or dependent on him. That will cause more problems.

Ideally,you need to fulfill your desires/dreams NOW because once a child comes along you will have to put their needs first and might find a lot of your own ambitions put on hold for the forseeable future,which might perpetuate the resentment you feel towards him and cause bigger problems. Plus you need him to man-up and share as equal a parenting role n responsibilities as possible,none of this 'i don't like doing x/y/z so won't'...or you'll end up effectively a single mother in a bad partnership.

Op how do you want to spend this life? He may be a lovely person but you do not sound equal in the mount of emotional energy that you share with each other

Do what you feel that you need to do in order to be happy and be congruent to yourself.

It's very difficult to tell from your OP whether you are very needy and he is just trying to cope or whether he is very selfish and you are dealing with him.

DH and I are happy and he doesn't spend any time whatsoever knowing what I want to do and feel scared about so he can nudge me into doing them. Nor I with him. However, he would never stop me doing something I want to do.

What do your friends and family think? Regardless, I think you have tried and either need to love him how he is and find other supports if you need them, or leave.

:(

I don't want to think you're right myroom. But yeah, right now the last 10 years do feel like a waste. Not the relationship, but the things I haven't done, perhaps because I've been in this relationship.

EQ2 I hadn't thought of it as a choice that starkly, but if it's a choice between stay with him (and he does have good points, I promise) or go and Live The Dream, I'll probably stay. I am going to sound like a sap or a perhaps delusional, but I don't know if I could be happy without him. I miss him when he's at work, and... I don't know. Maybe it's habit

Not using BC does feel really irresponsible now when you put it like that, giggle. And that's a shock I probably needed. I agree, this isn't a situation I want to bring a child into, but after 2 years of infertility, as we're not actively trying (timing sex, e.g.) it seemed so unlikely I didn't really think about it.

I have to go pick him up now (I told him not to come home yet, after the fight that prompted the post) so I've told him he's got 20 minutes (my drive time) to figure out what to say on the 20 minutes back. I pointed out that I don't have to be here, that I earn my own money and can live where I want and do what I want, and it's on him to make it work if he wants me to stay. So! Thank you, O wise internet people. (I'm going to say that now, because even if this goes horribly wrong, I think doing SOMETHING, which is what you have inspired, is better than this rut.)

I think you need to start investing more in yourself and making your life as fulfilling as possible.

Could you go overseas on your own? For a 3 to 6 months job or a volunteering opportunity? Or failing that just to travel, either solo or with a friend (not your partner). Would that help? Could you do what makes you happy on your own, or are you fully reliant on your partner for your own happiness?

Time to cut lose, you've given it 10 years.

You cannot rely on anyone giving you what you want in life.

You have to go out there and grab it before it is too late or end up bitter (because you sacrificed your passion/destiny for someone else to follow theirs).

If you find someone to share the dream, great. If not, no problem, just follow your own path.

Believe me, you won't regret it. It's only too late if you let it be through fear of stepping outside the box (of your comfort zone).

Op, you appear to believe that your happiness and wellbeing is your partner's responsibility and not your own.

In life we are responsible for our own happiness.

Get yourself out of the rut, grasp life with both hands, be proactive, make time for your hobbies, step back from your DHs life, he doesn't need you to hold his hand every step of the way.

It sounds to me as if you have made a role for yourself as the organised supportive one who never makes time for their own interests. So many women do this when they marry. Me included. It's a role you have created, and you don't need to play it. Take a more passive role in keeping things running at home and pursue a few of your own dreams.

Your DH sounds like a caring but not very emotionally intelligent man. I'm sure he will love you every bit as much, if not more, if you become your own person again.

Yes, he dealt with your father's funeral quite clumsily, to put it mildly.

But from the rest of your post, it sounds like you're quite needy and also contradictory. You want children, but you also want to see the world (nothing wrong with either!) but they are somewhat conflicting if you happen to want everything to happen at once. And he gives you cuddles and is nice to you when you're sad, but not nice enough. If you don't really know what you want, how can he be expected to?

As far as supporting him in his goals, that's admirable, but did he demand it of you? Did you sacrifice anything to do this?

It's down to you to motivate yourself to go out and try new things and your partner should not be expected to hand-hold you in this. And so what if you have different hobbies? They're kind of a personal thing, and if you come together on any of them then great! However it's not the end of the world if you do your own separate thing sometimes - in fact this is normal and perfectly healthy.

It just sounds like you're basically incompatible and have come to a divergent point in life.

So, the good news is that we talked, and he suggested - his own idea - that he'll ask his work if he can switch his contract to one of their other European offices. So that would be awesome.

I probably am quite needy right now - grief, depression and anxiety do that to a person. I am inconsistent and so is he. However, I make sure to be as clear and verbal as possible about things, so, insofar as it is possible given that we're human beings not toasters, he has the full operating manual. But he admits himself he doesn't use it.

I do also believe that having separate hobbies and activities is a good thing, and most of my hobbies, activities and interests are ones he doesn't share. I'd like him to know what they are to the point where I can say 'oh, [hobby] went really well/badly' and for that to be meaningful.

However, some of the things I want are really big, like living in Not This Country, and they're not really doable without a partner's support, or without ending the relationship, which I am not as blasé about as some of you are. We've done international long distance before, and it sucked, so I'm reluctant to go that route again.

Another issue between us is that he is dog-in-the-manger about me going off and doing exciting things while he is working. It's a bit complex, and he's said he's not rational about it and he doesn't think he should be this way. We don't have enough money, either together or separately, that the travel I want to do (like visiting a friend in the US who has recently had a baby or visiting another friend in India) can be done casually from a 'mad money' budget.

I don't thinking wanting kids and wanting to live in Not This Country are contradictory, particularly as I'm not living in my home country already. My parents are immigrants, and many of my friends lived in several countries as children so, unlike many people, I don't see this as being in conflict with wanting kids. There are many places in the EU that (if he can find work, I work remotely) would be easier for me, than moving from Plymouth to Sheffield.

I don't believe I'm fully reliant on my partner for my happiness. However, I am reliant on him to make some compromises if the relationship is to survive. Doing All The Things is only one part of my life, and I want it all! I want this relationship to work, too!

Talking is always the way forward. My DH and I turned around what could have been seen as a completely irreparable situation by finally starting to communicate properly.

Good luck, I hope you find a middle ground.