DP hates his parents and has had no contact for over 20 years. Will this affect his marriage and other family relationships?

[wundawoman]

Just wondered if anyone else has experience with a similar situation or can offer advice.

DP detests his family, I have never met them and have never pushed him on it as I felt it was his business.

However we have marriage problems; he has a total lack of emotional closeness/empathy. He seems incapable of expressing any deep emotion or genuine affection. I wonder if this is due to his broken family relationships and not trusting anyone?

And also feel like I have replaced his 'mother' as he takes no responsibility for any domestic duties/decision making. It feels like I am the parent and he is dependent on me for most things.

I have suggested counselling but he refuses.

Some people from broken families resolve never to make the same mistakes and therefore overcompensate by being super-loving as a result. Others are miserable bastards regardless of their background. I suggest you've got the latter.

Thanks Cog. I think you are right, sadly. It just seems a shame that he will lose this family too, but he's too pigheaded to see it. Even if does not make contact with parents, I feel he needs to work through his feelings. Sadly my dcs have never known their grandparents on his side...

Fil is like this.
I did loads of secret digging & found out about family history as not even mil knew any thing about that side of the family.

Mil died about 2 years ago and her last words to me were that fil as always in their lives doesn't give a shit.

He is heartless,selfish, without emotion. He has no interest in having a relationship with anyone.

He has always been like this, now at 65 he is in danger of having no one in the world.

Oh God, Jimi that's what I'm afraid will happen to dp, he'll end up alone, with no one. It's almost like he will sabotage his own chance of happiness.

I do know the background of the fallout (a previous relationship, they did not like her), then he says they turned their back on him. That's his side of story, I've never met them.

I just think life is too short for that crap, he doesn't have to love them, but I believe he should make peace with it somehow.

Making his peace with the past is a completely different matter to how he chooses to treat you in the present. You see that don't you? The two are not dependent on each other.

Fil is immovable with it. It's so deeply entrenched.
There is absolutely no hope of making him think any other way.
Good luck with it. My fil will be one of those found dead for months & no one realised or given a shit.

My father was the same. Luckily for him, DM stayed with him, more out of duty than anything else, I think. He was sort of estranged from his DC. If she had died first, I would not have kept in contact. He died earlier this year. I did go to the funeral, but have not felt regret. He was not completely bad, but a lot of his actions were due to his childhood and having no proper roots. This does not excuse his behaviour in later life, though.

I am sorry to be so downbeat. My father would not admit to anything being wrong.

Thanks for the replies. I certainly don't relish the thought of spending the rest of my life with a miserable partner

Yes I do recognize he's probably not going to change....

Of course it will affect his other relations if one as fundamental as his parents has been shut down. Why did he do this? Maybe something deeply unresolved and hurtful? How can that not affect his present relationships?
Amazes me btw how often on mumsnet its suggested to go nc with family and it has no consequences.
Sad for everyone. Sorry to hear about this

I think you're wrong to say it's sad your children don't know their parents - it could be a bloody lucky escape!
And saying you think life is too short? Some people get dealt a shitty hand with parents, and life is too short to have them in it.
I'd sort out your issues without trying to blame it on him being NC with his parents. Sounds like that happened as an adult - so although it would influence him, most I think his personality would be set. It isn't going NC that causes his behaviour now.
How would going NC as an adult mean he needs you to act as his mother, organising stuff? Just laziness. Stop enabling that, for a start!
I think as his wife you should know what went on with his parents, you two should be close enough to share that.
But don't think that pushing him to call them is going to stop him being miserable and lazy, deal with that directly.

My DH has a frosty relationship with his mother, and none with his father, who he hasn't seen since he was a teenager. He falls into Cogito's first group...he is determined not to repeat his childhood, and so lavishes me and his DSD with love, I think sometimes almost to make up for the love he feels he missed out on as a child.

MIL does love him, but after she left his father, she cast DH in an adult role, especially where SIL, who is 5 years younger, is concerned. He feels that she stopped seeing him as a child who had just lost his father, but instead as a support for her.

I don't know if I've explained that very well. The downsides are that he can sometimes be overly-authoritative, but also insecure at times. When we first lived together, he genuinely thought that every little row meant I was going to leave him. He's much better now

JudgeJudy, how did it affect your DM, staying with him for so long? Was she bitter?

That's the hardest part for me, living with a dp who does not show any true affection or empathy.

Yes it will affect a lot but the question as to whether he can handle it successfully lies in how far he's willing to acknowledge and fight it. Once you've been damaged / hurt by a bad start, you are always affected but you -can- choose to do something about it.

Sadly, it sounds like your partner is refusing to see that anything is wrong and therefore he will not change. He won't even have the option to try.

there's two sorts of hurt people, or maybe three:

1. the hurt sort who come to realise it and try to overcome it and more or less succeed well enough to keep relationships going

2. the hurt sort who come to realise it and try to overcome it and more or less fail and can't keep relationships going

and

3. the hurt sort who wont even begin to realise. those, you've almost no chance with unless you can adapt to a very one-sided relationship. All the effort will come from one side, yours.

Does he have contact with any of his extended family? Siblings?

Does he have friends?

He has one sibling (brother) nc either - hates him also!!!!! He has nc with any extended family and as for friends? No close ones but does have acquaintances (ie. at work) but he does not socialise very much at all unless I instigate it. Even then he complains about it, he's generally quite unsociable. I am totally different, therein lies the problem!!!

There's also the sort who think their parents / family treated them badly but actually have a terrible chip on their shoulder / paranoia and are generally hopeless at relationships. In other words there may be nothing wrong with your DP's family, just his perception of them. (I was once with someone like this - he was convinced he was ostracised by the family, sidelined, maltreated, but he was actually the one with the problem.)

I can't judge him for going nc. I have no meaningful contact with my mum and there is very good reason for it. So I never judge someone for doing that as you never know what they went through.

What surprised me was that you his wife, don't know about it. That is a real problem. My dh knows all about it and while it was hard for him to understand at first he gets it now and is supportive and has told me I can have his mum.

It also worries me that you say detests and hate. This are very strong destructive emotions that will eat away at you and help you turn bitter and nasty. I don't hate my mum, but that doesn't mean I want to spend time with her.

I am more worried now about repeating the past. When I was young it always surprised me that my friends actually wanted to spend time with their mothers. To me, mothers were horrible nasty people who made you feel horrible about your existence. It was not until my 20s when I realised that that was not what mothers are typically like. So I have spent the last 10 years working on this, looking at other relationships. Looking at how I react to things and now I feel a little better trying to conceive. I have an understanding husband who I work hard with and he knows that I have a tendency to all ways see the criticism in his words whether they are there or not. (Growing up everything was a critisim) and he can tell I am taking it the wrong way and stops me.

Your h doesn't seem to be in that place. And unless he wants to he won't. It will be a lot of hard work and really confronting because he will have to take responsibility for his own actions as well. And he needs to be willing.

Sorry

You seem really unhappy in this relationship and your partner has refused to consider counselling. I think you should leave. It's a waste of time trying to figure out why he is the way he is. It is irrelevant. You say he's miserable, pigheaded; that you want affection and he won't provide it; that he can't empathise; that he is unsociable and you're sociable - why on earth are you with him? What are you still doing there? You are fundamentally mismatched and it's making you unhappy. Stop musing about the origins of his character and get out. It's not your problem if he dies alone. If you've told him you're unhappy and he doesn't care enough to even try and change, then you've done your best.

I say all this as someone who was very badly damaged by their upbringing and is consequently abysmally bad at relationships. I know this about myself and I choose to be single because of it. I don't think I get to inflict my damage on other people and nor should your partner.

Aussie, the words 'hate' and 'detest' are not my words. They are his words. That is exactly how he describes his family. And yes, I totally agree, very strong language. But that is something that really does bother me, it's that hatred that he feels towards them. It's quite unnerving when he talks about them like that, on the rare occasion he does talk about them. There is no talk of sadness or wishing things were otherwise, just how he hates them

Thanks tinmug, you are right. I do not want to continue like this....

I am planning a new life in the near future (youngest dc finishing school at the moment). Then I will be 'free' to make my own choices....

I think I am in limbo at present. Some weeks are ok, others are weighing me down and that's when I over analyses the situation, why is he like this etc......

Sorry. I wasn't clear. I knew these were his words and they worry me. To hold such ugly emotion within you will leave very little joy and love to give someone else.

As I said I don't judge him for the nc. What I do judge is an adult who refuses to see how his or her behaviour hurts and effects his children.

I have tried speaking to my mum about it and she is not interested. She has cottoned on to the fact that she can blame her childhood and plays it for all it's worth. Only interested in blame. Not In changing or modifying her behaviour. You can see the barriers come up when ever her behaviour is challenged. And excuses it away as I am too young or immature to understand and I am acting like a child blah blah. She then hung up on me. Projection!

She uses what ever excuse fits at the time. And now I am 33, don't trust her and have nothing to do with her. But that is her doing. Not mine and if he decides to go down the same route it will be his doing.