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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to end a relationship - advice on next step

15 replies

anastasia74 · 18/11/2013 15:53

My daughter has been in a relationship for 4 years whilst still living at home.

She did love him very much but over the years has been took for granted, done all the running, etc etc. Now she has realised that things will never improve in the long run so has decided to break up after having a weekend away together and call time on the relationship as she felt it was going nowhere.

However her boyfriend was so shocked - had no idea how unhappy she was and not for one second thought she would do this. Since this happened a few weeks ago he says he has realised how much she means to him, cannot see a future without her, says things will change and wants to make it up to her, never take her for granted again and put her above his interests/friends etc etc. He does not want to only be friends and wants to prove to her how much he loves her etc etc.

She is adamant that getting back together will not change how she feels and has no feelings for him anymore and has moved on in her head and feels that what they had cannot be brought back.

Since parting she has only contacted him by email/texts. He wants to meet her face to face again after everything that has been said so she can give him chance to tell her how he feels in person. She has said she does not want this as he will not listen to her point of view and they both get really upset.

Should I encourage her still to meet him?

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 18/11/2013 15:56

Meerka · 18/11/2013 16:00

No. Sorry but it's between her and him and I think you have to respect her absolutely clearly stated wishes.

Enb76 · 18/11/2013 16:02

No - not your business and actually I think your daughter is right in wanting to cut all contact.

Loopyloulu · 18/11/2013 16:05

Hmmm. How old is she? You seem quite involved if she is an adult.

I think after 4 years it would be kind of her to at least see him once. Only reason I say this is because when I was young ( 20) my then fiance dumped me by standing me up and being unavailable ( courtesy of his parents covering for him if I turned up at their house or phoned) and it made it hurt all the more.

I also have a child ( now an adult) who was dumped after a 4 year relationship and they were devastated- to have not been able to at least talk to the other person and say how they felt face to face would have caused more pain.

I think the point with your DD is that she appears not to have given any indication that she was unhappy - or given him a chance to change his behaviour. Four years is a long time and if she had doubts before, maybe she ought to have talked to him then?

If she has no feelings for him any more this makes it sound as if she was cooling for a long time- but didn't say anything to him.
It must have hit him like a bolt from the blue.

She doesn't have to see him of course, but it would be a kind and mature thing to do if she can bring herself to. What's the harm in it? She surely doesn't hate him- they have just grown apart.

Original poster

anastasia74 · 18/11/2013 16:07

That's quite clear then, thankyou for your views

OP posts:

Loopyloulu · 18/11/2013 16:09

Loopyloulu · 18/11/2013 16:11

I'm really shocked at how hard you all are towards a young lad who simply wants to say his piece after a 4 year relationship ended- it's not clear if she did it by email or whatever but if it wasn't face to face then I'm afraid it's a cowardly way out and very hurtful.

Cabrinha · 18/11/2013 16:11

If he hasn't been an arsehole, I think it's a bit gutless not to meet him. However, if I were her I would mail first to be totally clear that I wasn't going to be persuaded. I'd also limit the meeting - make it a quiet coffee shop and say that I would be there from 16:09-17:00 and that was it. It won't change her mind, he probably won't even find it helpful. But if he thinks it will, I think it's kinder. 4 years is a long time for someone to just refuse to meet you. But one short meeting is all. And I suggest she brings him a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" ;)

Original poster

anastasia74 · 18/11/2013 16:25

Thanks again, yes for the record original the break-up was in person at the end of weekend away.

I'm not very involved and try not to impose my views as I don't think anyone knows really what happens in a relationship.

She asked me what I think and I must say I just felt they should at least try to still be friends but I suppose feelings are still too raw for that.

OP posts:

Enb76 · 18/11/2013 16:28

I did the meet-up thing. The boy still wouldn't accept it was over and continually asked for meet-up after meet-up. I never went after the first one but I was pestered by email and text for two years until I moved country.

wontletmesignin · 18/11/2013 16:34

I think sometimes NC is a must. And by NC....actual NC. I find that those who find it hard to break away from relationships, are like a child throwing a tantrum to get their own way.

If you give in once (send any txt, email phone, meet up), it makes them feel they got a bit closer, and sk try harder.

Just like a child. If you give in, they will do the same again.

As kind as it would be to give him this meeting. It may be kinder for him (in th long run) to ignore at all costs.

But it depends on what your daughter feels is right. She is the one who knows him best after all.

EirikurNoromaour · 18/11/2013 16:39

Same as enb ^ I was harassed for years by my first serious bf who just wanted to 'have his say'
Kinder to go nc and stay that way.

Loopyloulu · 18/11/2013 16:43

I agree that there must be no doubts about the reason for meeting up- to give him a chance to say his bit, but not in the hope of changing her mind. She has to make this clear from the outset, before the meeting.

Enb sometimes NOT meeting someone can make them build up a fantasy and keep up the contact. Seeing the person face to face makes it more real and possibly easier to accept.

A lot depends on what was said when she dumped him.

If it was along the lines of 'you're dumped...you never did x,y,z' and the guy was given no opportunity to say how he felt, then I can see why he wants to meet. But he must be under no illusions about the outcome.

I think she ought to give him the choice-'I will see you but only for an hour and you have to understand there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind- so do you still want to see me?'

Original poster

anastasia74 · 18/11/2013 19:11

thanks all for great advice which I will pass on if need be, I agree building up a fantasy of how wonderful things could be if only etc. is a problem is there is no contact, which does not help either of them.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 18/11/2013 19:28

he will not listen to her point of view and they both get really upset.

If what she says is true, he sounds like an entitled twerp who isn't taking her feelings/decision seriously. Which has kind of been the problem all along, hasn't it? So yes, I would completely support her in not meeting him. So long as she has been fair and clear in breaking up with him, no more emotional wear and tear is necessary for her.

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