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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help perspective needed

14 replies

Preciousdaisybear · 18/11/2013 13:39

I am a doggy person and I always have been. Grew up surrounded by labs. My husband is allergic to dogs (animals of all sorts) but becomes immune through exposure to them. We have 3 cats he is fine with. I have a desperate need for a dog but he has now turned around to say that he HATES dogs (no immunity to that). I have spent 15 years without a dog but I am actually physically depressed at having to spend the rest of my life without a dog. It is so bad that I have thought of leaving him over it. I wouldn't as we have 3 children who need him but it is destroying our relationship because I hate him for it. How the did I end up with a dog hater. ARGHHHH.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 18/11/2013 14:09

Could you link up with a dog-owner and go for walks with them? Arrange with a local dog-owner to take their dog out for them? Volunteer at a dog shelter? It strikes me as odd that something that is so important to you should never have been discussed with your husband, though!

Lweji · 18/11/2013 15:40

Could you volunteer at a dog shelter, for example?

Preciousdaisybear · 18/11/2013 16:15

I know! How was this never discussed when we covered pretty much every other topic. I suppose I didn't ever think it would come to this. Tried dog shelters and they are the most unhelpful and unfriendly people I have every met (in my home town at least). [sigh] doomed to be dogless.

OP posts:
ALittleMisssRed · 18/11/2013 16:17

Are you working? Could you set up a business as a dog walker or looking after dogs in their own home? Or help a local dog walker out?

AddictedtoGreys · 18/11/2013 16:52

is there no chance he would love the dog if you got one? could you contact a rescue and temporarily foster a dog to see how he felt with one there and not just what he is imagining it to be like?

would he really not put up with one in the house for you, if you agree to do EVERYTHING for the dog?

I feel for you Sad I'm a big dog person too,luckily I had my border collie before I met my husband as if he had his way we wouldn't have a dog either! (but now he secretly loves him Wink )

Chattymummyhere · 18/11/2013 16:59

Could you work with dogs? My dh loves dogs, I put up with them.

I wouldn't be sad if they where not here but then I wouldn't actively get rid. I would love to have my kitchen back though

Chattymummyhere · 18/11/2013 17:06

Oh and I hate the whole I will do whatever if you let me Y

That worked really well from my dh if you let me have a dog I will

Clean up all its poop
Walk it three times a day
Take it to train classes
Brush it everyday (we have long coat breed)

Guess who really does all of that

CailinDana · 18/11/2013 18:33

Does he know how much it upsets you?

beachyhead · 18/11/2013 18:50

Have you considered The Cinnamon Trust where you walk or care for dogs owned by people with short or long term illness and can't keep up with walks etc?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 18/11/2013 19:14

Preciousdaisybear, your post resonates with me.
I was brought up with cats and dogs (and a horse Grin ) and really love animals.
My dh is allergic to long haired cats (I've seen the reaction ), and while not specifically allergic to dogs, he prefers to not be exposed to pet dander. I knew this before we married and just had to make my peace with it as he is "a keeper" kind of guy. We have been married 22 years.

Off and on over the?years , I have kept an aquarium , 29+ gal, that has been fulfilling, I guess you could say. It is not the same thing, of course.

Whenever I begin to feel sad about it, I remind myself of the downsides : vet bills, more mess, wear and tear on the house/car, and the potential for stink . I know there are alot of upsides too though.

Just for me and my perspective, I'd rather hang in there with my dh instead of replace him with a dog although it will be the first purchase I make if he passes on before I do.

It is a true dilemma. Good luck

Pistillate · 18/11/2013 21:04

I might announce myself to be a dog hater, as I really hate their shit all over the pavement, and certain doggy exuberance which tips into badly behaved dog.

However, I have known some utterly fantastic dogs who I have adored. Has he met enough dogs to REALLy say he is a dog hater?

Cultivate friends with amazing dogs and see if you can't let them demonstrate that SOME dogs are wonderful?

tweedledumtweedledee · 18/11/2013 23:03

I was against at first. We have two dogs and one of them especially drives me mad, definitely more to do with DW wanting them than me I think, but she loves them and I love her so what can you do other than join in with it all?

Actually, they grow on you. There are also health benefits to having dogs of course (you could try that line with him). They are good for your health cos you've got to get your backside out from in front of the telly and walk them every day. The unconditional love and affection you get from a dog is also very good for your emotional well-being.

I hate it when they fart though, that's nasty (barf)!

vjg13 · 18/11/2013 23:12

I would second being a dog walker for the Cinnamon Trust. It can give you all the pleasure of having a dog without owning one. I was very fortunate to be able to take on the two lurchers I walked when their owner sadly passed away. My husband was reluctant but he now loves them as much as I do.

Tuhlulah · 19/11/2013 15:49

Having a DH who is also a dog hater, and me a dog lover, and having left him when he said he could no longer live with my puppy, well, Precious, I can't see that your relationship will last you actually having a dog in the house. I understand your frustration, really i do.

However, I guess your DH cannot help how he feels. Do you feel repelled by anything? Because that is possibly how he feels. I don't suppose he would knowingly hurt you like this, and would change how he feels if he could -but if he really hates them, what can he do? Could you try to see it his way? If my DH told me he wanted to bring a colony of cockroaches into the house, he's clean up after them and he promises they won't escape -I wouldn't like it.

Just because you (and I) love and want a dog, it doesn't mean everyone else shares the love. Anyway, you know that, and I'm not being patronising because in many respects I totally understand how you feel.

You will just need to get the dog love elsewhere. There is no substitute, no cat, fish or canary will do instead. (I tried a house rabbit, but that too caused problems. My DH just doesn't like any animal. But house rabbits can be nice, but their recall is crap when you take them for a walk in the park, I have to admit.)

Precious. Find other outlets. Try to forgive him and put yourself in his shoes. You cannot change him and he cannot change how he feels. Look on the bright side -you might outlive him by enough years to enjoy a nice canine friend. X

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