Need some perspective. It's about me, DH, the dcs and HW

[BudaInDisguise]

I have started to work full time again in September and that includes 4 long days when I am not back at home until 8.30~9.00 at night. It's short term and DH agreed to take on a lot if the responsibilities I had when I was part time.

Except that, apart from collecting the dcs and feeding them/putting them to bed, he isn't doing much more than before. All the responsibility for the organisation (after school activities, Childcare, making a Victorian vostume etc ) is still left to me and I just can't do it.
I am exhausted, come home by 9.00 and in bed by 9.30pm. I am waking up at night and then can't sleep. I am getting regular migraines which I never ever had. All that down to tiredness and stress.
I really need DH to help more for a while until this contract us finished in a few months.
But I also feel that he is doing quite a bit already and maybe I am just asking for too much.
What do you think?

He agreed to the decision for you to take on the longer hours and the implications of what that would mean for his home life schedule of work?

If so, then you need to remind him of this, explain how you're feeling and tell him he needs to be doing more.

Yes he did. By experience I will have to spell it out to him very precisely.

Its possible he doesn't realise. Its possible he does realise but wants an easy life.

Just talk to him, tell him honestly how hard you are finding it & redistribute the work between you. If you have to spell it out then do so.

I have to say it, I think there's the possibility that you did such a good job of holding your family together without drama of needing every little thin you need acknowledged that I probably doesn't realise half of what you do because it's never been noticed. If it's never been noticed or taken for granted then he won't think about doing it, or if he dies, how much time and effort is entailed.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of people commenting about how selfish he is and how oppressed you are be stylise of their history, maybe this does fit your situation too?

For me though, I have a hardworking hubby who loves me and would do anything, and up and above what's fair, to help me. Even so, he doesn't gave a clue what I do as I've always just done it without making a big deal about it. If this is the case for you, try not to get angry or upset and just explain what needs doing, maybe even write lists, so he can start to come up to speed on things.

I'm a SAHM who thinks I'll find it hard when I take on my next working project as it will require adjustment, your hubby will need time too to begin to know what he needs to do and how you both can work as a team when the goalposts have been moved. Understandable really.

omg awful typo. I meant does*

Yes I agree a lot of it goes unnoticed because I've always done it wo any comment.

I think I have been worried i was asking too much from him, like doing it all because I am at work. I suppose it's about feeling uncomfortable about being that place where you have to leave your partner in full charge of everything for the week and you are only there for the weekend.

So asking for more input us the way forward but I do feel better that I am not asking for something crazy.

Some of it depends on his work hours too. If he is working 9-5 five days, then maybe picking them up fr om after school, making tea, homework, running their baths, and bed routine is a lot. He still has to clean up afterwards.

In some ways it might be somewhat of a fair split. He does the hands on stuff and you deal with the paperwork.

If he was a SAHD, then yes he should do more.

Doing the military planning, paperwork etc is as much of a task as washing up.

Can you do that in a weekend slot while he does more practical chores eg laundry, at the same time?

Yes he is working full time too but finishes at 5.00pm so can do the pick ups etc... whilst I do all the dropping off in the morning (and the reading/spelling etc..).

As I have been thinking about it, the issue is also that I am absolutely exhausted and the migraines/insomnia have been taking their toll on me. I just do not remember things that needs to be done, make stupid mistakes (such as writing x activity the wrong day on the calendar so dc doesn't the right stuff on the right day) and it makes things even more stressful and difficult to organize.
Tbh, it's more the 'remembering to do X' that is an issue rather than the 'doing' so maybe leaving him to do that would be a good idea.

As a short-term practical solution, ask the doctor to prescribe you propanolol for the migraines. I used to get them regularly but this was recommended as a deterrent. I almost never get them now and have experienced no side effects at all.

Obviously there is a lot more that needs tackling but I imagine that being migraine-free would be a major improvement in your life!

I'm in a similar position actually, as I went back to full-time work a few months ago and DH had to take on a LOT more home responsibilities. I found it was best to just state up front that things needed doing rather than trying to do it all myself and feeling guilty for loading it on him.

Sitting down at the weekend (while kids are asleep/out) and making a thorough list of all the tasks that regularly need to be done would be good. You can then put it up in the kitchen for regular reference. DH likes this.

I sympathise, it is bloody hard work.

"DH agreed to take on a lot if the responsibilities I had when I was part time. "

But he's not part time. He's still working full time.

"apart from collecting the dcs and feeding them/putting them to bed, he isn't doing much more than before."

That is quite a lot more.

"All the responsibility for the organisation (after school activities, Childcare, making a Victorian vostume etc ) is still left to me"

Ah, the invisible work that women do - keeping all the plates spinning.

Sorting this stuff out is really tricky. It's very hard to split it fairly.

But I suspect the others are right and he doesn't even realise how much mental energy and organisation it takes. In fact, he might not even realise it's a thing.

Some things aren't going to happen if you are both working full time. For example, there is no way I'd be making a Victorian costume. I would help my kid find some stuff they could wear that looked a bit Victorian. But I don't have the time to do homework assigned by my kid's teachers.

Maybe sit down at the weekend when you are not so exhausted and tell him about this aspect of being a parent and delegate some of it to him - so one of you deal with school (including homework) but the other has to deal with all childcare related issues.

I also think writing a list of "all the tasks" is self-defeating.

You need him to take responsibility for certain areas - he can figure out what the tasks are and when they need to be done himself.

He's a big boy, just figure out what is your job, what is his, and then leave him to it.