I'm in danger of being passive aggressive with a friend- help!

[FortnumandMason]

If this sounds familiar well, I have posted under another name some time ago.

I have a very long but unbalanced IMO friendship. For most of the time ( 30 years) I've been the one to visit my friend because I've always lived in the sticks/suburbia and she's lived in a large city- nicer places to eat, things to do etc. We are an hour away by car or train.

Bear in mind that I have 2 DCs ( now adults) and 3 part time jobs, and she doesn't work but has a pet.

For the last 18 months she's been seeing a therapist in my town but only once (when I invited her) has she stopped by to see me. She told me right from the start that she didn't want to meet on the days she was here because she wanted to use the travelling time as 'thinking time'.

It's clear from when we speak that she expects me to visit her simply because she doesn't offer to drop by but she says things like 'we must meet soon' and I'm thinking well, yes, you are almost on my doorstep every week but you did say you didn't want to meet on those days.

To make it harder, she now lives in 3 places- her home city, a holiday home overseas and several weeks each year living with her DH who works partly overseas. She doesn't work, but fills her time with travelling and seeing her friends who are on her doorstep.

I've begun to take a step back - not responding to phone calls as quickly as I used to etc- because I am angry that she feels - or seems to- that I am going to carry on as before making the journey to her despite having 3 jobs and a DH , and lots of family stuff going on.

I feel very hurt by her behaviour and what I see as self centreness - and on the odd occasion when she has visited me she's always dashed off to get back for a class, or to feed her pet, or whatever- making me feel as if she is making it a duty visit.

I'm sure she has no idea I feel miffed and will blame me for the friendship faltering a bit- any ideas?

She's clearly one of those people that expects friendships to run at her convenience rather than for the benefit of others. For 30 years you've thought you were trekking over to the city because it had nicer places to eat etc., and it's only now she has the therapist visits that you're realising that you'd have been the one doing the travelling regardless.

If you're unhappy with the revelation you should probably say something directly. I doubt it would make the slightest difference to her - as you say, she may take offence - but it would be better than quietly seething.

she's conducting the friendship strictly on her terms and what is convenient to her. yes it is very selfish!

so in order to not feel resentful you have to start doing the same really. visit when convenient. invite her to yours on days that suit you.

you've been very accommodating over the years and she's no longer thinking things from your point of view. you don't need to say anything. but no longer leaping at her beck and call will soon put her right.

i do have to say though, that visiting a therapist is pretty hard and brings difficult things to the fore so i can quite understand that she needs space on those days.

however if she can make it to your town once a week she should be able to do it an extra time once in a while. or visit you before her session.

either she'll make more effort or things might fizzle out.

I'm dreadfully sorry but I think she's moved on already. I doubt she will know or realise you might be miffed because she isn't actually thinking of you at all. Or at least not on the same level you are.

Cut losses. Move on. I wouldn't mention it just do it. I'm very unsure she will actually notice.... Sorry.

Do you love her and want her in your life?

If so, then tell her how you feel.

If not, then just get on with your life without her.

tbh, it doesn't sound like she's that bothered about you. Maybe the friendship doesn't matter as much to her as it appears it has to you?

Thank you for the replies.

It's quite odd. Since I have held back a bit- not returning her calls the same day as I used to and waiting a few days - she has been more attentive- ringing me back before I've got to her. At the end of a couple of conversations she's said 'we must meet up it's been ages...' in a voice that sounds very sincere. Maybe I should be more assertive, because the obvious answer is 'well what about when you are up next week seeing X'.

Likewise, she has asked me ' when are you next coming to X ( her city)' and I've just said I have no plans or reason to in the near future. (I sometimes have a hospital appt and see her at the same time- I ask if she's going to be around and we meet up etc.)

I'm sorry if this makes me sound a bit wet- I'm not really! I just think that if she wanted to see me she would ask to meet on the day she is around my town- and that by not asking, it means she doesn't want to see me that much. But her phone calls and how she wants to know the ins and outs of my life as if we are still really close friends says something else.

I've stopped calling her more or less. If she calls me then I'll call back if she leaves a message, but I'm no longer making the weekly or twice weekly phone calls I used to.

I also feel constantly that she is 'fitting me in' around everything else. Last week she called me when she knew she only had 30 mins before she had to go out. We hadn't spoken for 2-3 weeks then. Or another habit she has is promising to call me back if she has visitors there when I call her- and she doesn't for days...says she got 'busy'.

It just feels so off hand but at the same time she'll quite happily say how she loves me and all her girlfriends who've helped her through a difficult patch.

Yet interestingly her DH says she doesn't really care about her friends or make any effort! This is something she relayed to me last conversation and she went on and on about she was so caring - wasn't she...!!!!!!!

I do care about her but she's totally me, me, me and somehow now I can't be arsed with that!

It sounds like she probably treats all of her friendships with the same lack of care, if her DH is to be believed.

If that's the personality type she is then there is nothing you can do to change her. I would probably say in that case, and if you want to continue the friendship, that it might be worth saying to her that you feel things are a bit one-sided. Since her DH has said a similar thing to her recently, it might just strike a chord. Otherwise, do as you are doing, reduce the amount of running around after her you do and accept that the friendship will probably fizzle out or at least become very much more of a casual thing in the future.

I just wanted to bump this up and say thanks.
Is there any chance I'm being unreasonable?
Her efforts always seem to come a bit too late IYSWIM. We went recently to see my very ill FIL ( travelling a long way and staying for a few days) and she phoned to say hope it all went ok- but we'd already left the house for a 300 mile trip. She must have known or guessed it was too late, so later she sent a text, which was nice but didn't feel the same because it was her usual 'making an effort right at the last minute'. It lets her off the hook, in a way, but makes me feel she puts everyone else and herself first and only makes contact out of a sense of duty. As a single example this probably sounds pathetic, but added to everything else it's a sign to me that she isn't as thoughtful as she'd like to think she is.