DP says he doesn't feel the same anymore. Honest opinions and advice needed please

[IamstrongerthanMensa]

Hi all, I posted about this last week but I'm a bit calmer now and want to get some opinions on my situation.

DP and I got together quickly and have a 5 month old DD. Last week he told me that whilst he still loves me, which will never change, and he is still attracted to me, he doesn't feel the same anymore. I have tried to talk to him about what he actually means by this but he can't explain further, other than saying that it's not the same as it used to be.

Other information that may be relevant is that he was seconded into a more senior role at work, initially it was supposed to be until Christmas but it was ended at the start of November and now he is back in his initial entry level role. November is also the first month where we've had to survive on his wages and SMP meaning that money is really tight and he hasn't got any for himself (as in literally nothing).

When we got together I was massively independent, had a life of my own, lots of friends both male and female and was used to doing things for myself. Over the last couple of months I've been having a go at him and sulking whenever he goes out, and have become really jealous of a friendship he has with a female from work (she is a lesbian and whenever he hangs out with her it's with her gf too). I've found myself being really pathetic and clingy with him, and I never want to go out with my friends, and I moan when he wants to go out with his.

I asked DP to move out for a couple of weeks to give us some space, he has done so and is at his mums. I've got my week filled with stuff to do so I'm trying my hardest not to pine. He told me on Thursday that he still loves me, he just keeps saying it's all different now. For reference also we last DTD (initiated by him) a week last Wednesday, so less than a week before he left.

I don't have any leading questions to ask, I just want to know what people make of this please?

I can't work out whether your insecurity (clinginess) is because you know it's failing or whether it's because your confidence and self-esteem are low post-baby and having lost your independence. It could be feeding into the 'it's not the same' statement or it could be a coincidence. What could you do to work on self-esteem in the meantime?

I think your instinct to fill your time and not to pine is spot on.

It seems you have external stressors (income, working pattern, demands of small child) and that life has changed a lot for you, and that you don't like the clingier version. So having the time to rediscover yourself, establish you current priorities and decide what sorta of things you want in your future is important. Then you will be able to decide whether and how he plays a role in this. If you really work on the fundamentals, then this may prove to be a blip from which you can recover and rebuild a stronger relationship. Or you might decide that actually,it's never going to work.

This is your opportunity. Take your time and use it well.

You are broke, you have a 5 month old, and the relationship went from 2 fun loving independent people, to a family of 3, where you are getting less sleep, envious of his freedom while you are parenting, and still finding yourselves learning about one another. He has also changed his job role (and might be feeling down about this too).

Yep, things have changed. I am sure he is thinking that this was not what he thought he signed up for when you got together, and he misses the old life and the old relationship (while at no point loving you, or your DD less). I bet you do too.

It takes time to get used to being parents and it takes time to get used to going from 2 people in a relationship to 3, you just need to work out if you both want to get through this hard bit, and come out the other side, or if it seems too hard for one or both of you, and the time spent at his mums becomes more permanent.

Maybe talk to him about what he misses and see if there are anythings you can both do to improve how you are feeling as a couple. Do you get any time as a couple without DD? Do you need to get some more time to spend with your friends or start a new hobby so you have a little more independence? If you have more in your life you might not feel so resentful of him having fun, and if you get more time alone together you might be able to rekindle the feeling of fun. I really don't think your, or his feelings are uncommon. You have to both want to make it work though.

The self esteem thing was there anyway. I've always struggled with it, but before I met DP I had a strong sense of who I am but since I got pregnant and had DD I feel that I've lost a sense of who I am. I think that started it and now it's a vicious cycle of being paranoid about the state of our relationship making me more and more clingy. We don't have any time without DD, naively I thought that was ok but I can see that we need time without her and I need to do things on my own too.

That sounds very self-aware. Have you ever spoken to someone in the medical profession about the way you feel? Pregnancy, birth and early parenthood are seismic changes to a woman's life and, if there is a weak-point there already, the stress and fatigue can open it right up. Even the strongest person can feel crushed under the responsibility and relentlessness of it all. I remember a young friend breaking down in front of me how she didn't realise a baby was like having 'a real life Tamagotchi!' No off-switch. Sadly she was experiencing Post-natal Depression but, with help, she's back to normal. Might you be experiencing something similar?

I made the same mistake, we wanted it to be just is and dd, but the full on reality and exhaustion was overwhelming. Work is more restful for me!
What plans do you have to spend time apart from dd? I felt exactly like this and I got nursery two days a week from 3 months, I had to for my sanity. Can you look at babysitters? Whatever happens with dh, you do have to have a break to feel sane, or at least I did.

I've made an appointment with my doctor for next week to talk about PND. At the moment I've got my mum or sister coming round most days and they're looking after DD for me for a couple of hours so I can have a break. If DP comes home they're willing to babysit so we can go out.

Your family sounds lovely. I sincerely hope you don't have PND but, if you do, I hope you get some good advice and help for that. It could be an idea to meet up with your partner during those few hours break, tell him what's happening and keep the dialogue going. If he's a decent man he'll want to be supportive.