Hi all, I just need to get all this off my chest before I explode or fall into a whimpering wreck! I don't know if things can honestly change, or if it would make any difference if they did :-(
DH & I have had a dreadful 12 months, I lost my SD and DM within a couple of months of each other & DH lost his GM. I know I've taken it the worst & it's been a huge struggle for me. Each day I get through without breaking down is an achievement to me. It's been a traumatic time for the whole family and I've been very low a lot of the time but it's made me wonder where my life is headed.
I love my DH but I don't feel as if I'm in love with him, we've had a lot of issues in the 26 years we've been together and contemplated separation several times over the years. We've managed to get through it and still plodding on but things never really change. I hate the way it is and want things to be different, I want those 'in love' times back and it saddens me at how my life is.
A bit if back history as I don't want to drip feed. I'd escaped a violent & emotionally abusive relationship prior to meeting DH but was still hurting and suffering the effects when we met. I admit I was hard work and had a wall of protection built around me that DH eventually broke through & I learned to trust he wouldn't hurt or abuse me. I was very open with DH & told him everything I'd been through. He didn't really understand how it made me feel but assured me he'd never hit me.
20 years ago I was out with friends, had a little too much to drink and kissed a guy. The morning after I felt so guilty & repulsed at what I'd done and knew I'd be horrified and hurt if DH had kissed another woman. Over the next couple of days I was so weepy, I felt I'd ruined everything. I knew I had to tell DH & felt sure it would be the end of the relationship. I broke down one evening & told him what I'd done. My ex had cheated on me several times so I knew how it felt :(. DH hit the roof, I expected no less. He shouted and stormed out and I was left in tears hating myself for what I'd done but hating myself even more for hurting my DH & ruining our relationship.
We had no mobile phones back then so I was unable to contact him. He returned home a couple of days later, we talked & cried & talked some more & DH decided to give me another chance. DH didn't want me going out with friends again after that so I stayed home every night and worked hard at trying to gain his trust back. Whenever I went out anywhere, shopping etc DH came with me & I guess I accepted it as my punishment for doing wrong.
5 years ago I discovered DH was having an EA with a friend I'd met online, I helped out on a forum as a moderator and had struck up a friendship with one of the other moderators. We would chat online, putting the world to rights etc etc. We'd been online friends for a couple of years and told each other lots about our lives, our DC & DH's. She was in an unhappy loveless marriage and I would support her when she needed a shoulder to cry on. DH became inquisitive of the forum and became a member, everyone who knew me on there knew he was my DH. It appears they began chatting after a private message was sent. I still have no idea to this day how or why it started since neither seemed to remember. I had no idea this was going on at the time, or that he had set up a secret email and bought a PAYG phone to keep up communication with her. It was the discovery of the phone that brought everything to a head.
I was reeling from it all & couldn't believe what had been happening under my nose. The fact that she & I where still chatting to each other while she was secretly in touch with & meeting up with my DH was a massive blow. I read the txt messages they'd sent to each other & was physically sick. I asked him a out it & he said he loved her, they'd met up twice for coffee but nothing had ever happened. I was mortified. I started drinking, I was in a real state, I couldn't stop crying. I asked him to leave while I tried to get my head around it & he said he would go and stay at his GM. I was absolutely devastated, even more so when I found out he'd gone to meet her the day after!
He was very hurtful, accusing me of not being there for him, saying that I didn't give him enough attention and that he didn't feel he had anything to lose by seeing her since he already felt the marriage was over. Yes, we'd had problems over the years but at the time he was going behind my back things had seemed great, sex was regular and amazing, we where getting in great, making plans, we'd recently moved to our dream home. When I pointed this out he just started throwing at me how I'd been hard work when we first got together and I'd made his life a misery.
The next few weeks where a nightmare, I didn't know if I was coming or going. I knew I couldn't afford the mortgage & bills. I begged him to come and talk with me and try to sort things out. Eventually he did and he seemed to change his story, he know wanted to work things out and go to relate. I was still in pain at what he'd done but agreed to it.
We've never really got over what's happened, during heated discussions or rows DH still throws at me what I did 20 yrs ago and then I start on about the pain he put me through 5 years ago. It's not all the time but it pisses me off. He's never really told me what happened and will suggest that I've not been entirely honest with him about it just being a kiss. I don't have any RL friends as I find it hard to trust now. My mum was my BF & who I told everything to.
I know all this is in the past but I think about it all because of the way he is, he dismisses my feelings and is lazy. He only ever pays attention to me when it's all got too much & I end up crying my eyes out in frustration. We've talked tonight about things that have meant to be done for the past months/weeks. Decorating, new carpets fitted and a half finished staircase to name a few. When he does listen he says he'll change but never does. It gets me down because I really don't want it to be like this but I fear he's never going to change and I'm wasting me breathe & energy.
I'm so sorry this is so long xx