Please help! I have had my brain reprogrammed, is this going towards worse?

[daiseehope]

I believe my partner is emotionally abusive. I thought that it had stopped, but after reading up on fuckwits apparently he just seems to have long "cycle". What just shocked me was reading an op saying she had separated his nice and nasty behaviour into two "personalilities", my p has 2 with their own names . I read on and a whole load of crap is now dawning on me. He's not nice with moods, he's a shit. So thank you for opening my eyes again.
I would really like to ask opinions, both in happy / ea circs. Is it normal for a partner to become desperate for sex and whinge, then get nearly, then aggressive? He was awful last night. I'm asking as I've never had any physical or sexual violence from him, just emotional. He went on and on. We only had sex yesterday.! I was scared. I am now worried that it's going to escalate. Has that happened to others here? He's never forced himself on me but I struggle anyway with sex being currently involved in a sex abuse case. I just want to hear that I am justified in my deep deep hurt today and my feelings of inevitability. I feel frozen solid.

Oh good grief you poor thing, of course you are justified! He sounds horrible and I really hope you can now start to make plans to get away from him and start leading a much happier life without this excuse for a man.

No, not normal.

I went off sex for a long time after the birth of my children. DH told me he missed our intimacy and we talked about ways to rekindle the spark. He never whined, begged or threatened.

Do you have real life support or a safe place to go for a few days?

When you said
"We only had sex yesterday.! I was scared"
Do you mean you were scared during sex?
Of sex?
About sex?
Of refusing to have sex?
And if any of the above, scared of what?

PS - when you talk about "feelings of inevitability" know this: nothing is inevitable. Be cool. The only guarantee in life is change.

"I struggle anyway with sex being currently involved in a sex abuse case."

Presumably he's aware of this, yes? [shocked] He should be extra sensitive and respectful of your wishes and needs at this difficult time then OP, not "become desperate for sex and whinge" (because nothing's more of a turn on than whiney desperation, right? )

YANBU, and his behaviour in itself is sexually and emotionally abusive LTB.

no that is not normal. he scared you, that is awful. I think you need to get out of that relationship

Thanks I need to hear you I have little idea of normal as it is! Mini- we had been having a quiet phase, had sec which we fine but I was very scared the next night when he demanded. How often do people have so though? Am I being unreasonable not doing it?

As for whiney desperation being a turn off you're dead right there Op lol

What may help you to understand is that emotionally abusive men are fundamentally bullies. Selfish, uncaring and only interested in controlling a partner (not loving a partner) to get their own way. They don't want to be questioned or challenged because that's not acceptable to them If they get what they want by being nice, they'll be nice. If that doesn't work, they'll be nasty. Over time, if they can frighten you enough by being nasty so that you shut up and never challenge them, that's their perfect scenario.

Sex is an expression of love for normal people but for a bully it's an expression of control and dominance. So he goes the nice route and, when that doesn't work, he goes the nasty route. It's coercion and it's just a short step from sexual abuse.

Rather than feeling frozen solid, please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. You'll find they know exactly what you're talking about and they'll give you advice

Thank you thank you so much. Tbh I can't tell what's going on anymore. I'm alone for first time and have just collapsed. The most depressing thing is that he is being all nice and he hasn't even apologised. Being normal is apparently enough! It's all so obviously part of this cycle. I can't even be bothered to fight it. At least you understand. My friends are sick of it and my best friends, well I've frozen her out. I feel so ashamed.

Do pick up the phone to WA rather than thinking you have to bear this alone. IME friends can only do so much listening & sympathising before it becomes frustrating that you're doing nothing about it. I'm sure, if you act and get rid, they'd be fully on your side.

Do you have children, daisee ?

I will try to ring today. I have three kids. The thought of splitting devastates me. I've got past my ideal of a family in my head, and realise it's not my fault but I am distraught that he knows the distress he causes and doesn't give a sh.. to his babies

Daisy, don't be ashamed, you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

Last night he was vile but now he's acting as through nothing happened. But that does not mean that nothing happened. It did. he wanted sex, despite you having had sex earlier that day (am i right in thinking this?) and when you didn't want to, he got whingey (insensitive) and then aggressive (unforgivable and definitely not normal). In your case, given your history, what can we say about him? He was so utterly desperate he didn't care if you were willing or not? (he could have taken the matter into his own hands, so to speak). Or that he knew you didn't want to and used the episode to make you feel even worse? And then pretended nothing happened, ie you are unreasonable and delusional.

Not normal. Not acceptable.

It's not for me to say if you are in an abusive relationship. But you say he is being emotionally abusive. You seem to becoming isolated from your friends -DON'T ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN!!!! You need a support network. Abuse is made easier when the person subject to the abuse is isolated from family and friends. Even if you think they are pissed off hearing about it -don't lose touch. You may need them more than you can imagine if you eventually leave this relationship. It's not for me to tell you to LTB. But I guess your friends who have heard from you what your relationship is like are frustrated.

Don't freeze out your best friend. Don't rely solely on the advice of strangers on this forum. Cyber support is all very well -and extremely valuable and informative and supportive. But you also need the warmth of your physical friends, and someone who can offer a bolt hole if necessary.

Great advice from Tuhlulah. Like cog said, ring Women's Aid to. You don't have to live like this, and neither do your precious children.

Thanks both. I think what's snapped is this sex demanding. It's happened twice now. Both times he's drunk. I hate him when he's drunk. He sometimes goes all nasty. I can't tell which times either, his eyes change. Bearing in mind he knows my history and it's effects on me I can see his behaviour is monstrous. I feel in shock that it's dawned. The rest of the rubbish I just put up with.

he sounds utterly horrible

I would be frightened too.

It's often not the worst things that end up being the last straw. Like you say 'his eyes change'..... That's your instinct for self-preservation kicking in so please take heed and act on it. You can't make a bad man good. You can't make a man that doesn't care start caring. Please make that call.

Re the small things that can be the last straw.

A woman told me that she had been sexually abused as a child, raped as an adult, then found herself in a very violent relationship. The man beat her badly, raped her frequently, and isolated her from friends and family, and totally undermined her until she had no self confidence. The only thing she had of value was a guitar, which she loved. One day, during a beating the man smashed her guitar and this was the last straw for the woman, who took a carving knife to the man. She did time for the assault. But she told me with incredulity that it was the guitar, she could put up with everything, but him smashing the guitar was the last straw.