please and thankyou

[barmygirl]

Hi, I'm just wondering how everyone feels about saying please and thankyou in their relationship. Personally, I feel it's respectful to the other person if you say thank you for cooking dinner or picking you up from work etc but my partner says it makes him feel like a servant if I say thankyou all the time. However, if I cook a nice dinner, for example, and he says nothing, I feel a bit rubbish and taken for granted.

I just wondered how everyone else works these things in their relationships...

You mean manners? Common courtesy? ... of course you don't stop saying please and thank you just because you're living with someone If he can't say thanks when you've cooked dinner he's just rude and ungrateful. If he thinks you saying thanks makes him a servant he's got some serious insecurities.

We say please and thank you all the time. He will thank me after I've cooked a meal, usually a quick kiss and a ' that was lovely thank you ' and a ' thank you love ' if I make him a drink or whatever. I'm the same to him

Just basic manners I suppose

Thanks....yes, that's what I thought. Manners and basic respect. I think there's something going on with him if he feels that me saying thanks to him for picking me up from work, for example, is odd.

It's not weird to say thank you, is it?

We say thank you for cups of tea or coffee, lie ins, dinner, passing something, doing something nice. Just like I would any other person and I think DP would too. It is just manners.

It's not weird to say thank you, it is weird not to say thank you IMO.

DH and I say please and thank you to eachother. It's part of being courteous and respectful.
I am related to do know a few couples who don't, but they're not the sort of relationships I'd want to be in.

Yep, we say please and thank you to each other and we remind each other to say it on the odd occasion one of us forgets. And we are have a very jokey, mock insults type of relationship.

It's basic manners. Showing basic respect and appreciation.

Agree with all the above - simple courtesy and basic manners.
Why wouldn't anyone say "thanks" for simple stuff?

The Ps and Qs are important - stick with it. Demand it. It's a simple level of decency that any person should expect.

If he says he feels like a "servant" make it clear to him that servants are never thanked, that a servants' service is expected because servants are payed.

And if he's not in the business of saying "thanks" for the things you do for him - just stop doing them and see how quickly his life becomes chaotic.
Step back and wait for "please could you / please will you" etc.,

People soon learn to say "thank you" once they realise the value of what's being done on their behalf.

We say please and thank you, but probably not for every thing we do for each other.

And if DH didn't thank me for something I wouldn't notice, never mind be upset about it.

But I think in general it's good not to take someone for granted and remembering to say thank you also means you remember to be grateful to them for making your life nicer.

I wouldn't go so far as to say 'red flag' on the pleases and thank yous business but, as said above, it can be indicative of someone who takes things & people for granted.... not an attractive trait. Is he rude to other people? Would he say thank you in a shop or restaurant, for example? Have you known each other long? Has the courtesy gone downhill or was it never there in the first place?

It can be a cultural thing. I have a close female friend from an African country who finds it infuriating when I thank her - to her, I'm distancing myself by doing it, and treating her like a stranger rather than a friend who can just eg turn up and eat dinner as of right.

I could see how this can be the case within a family "culture" as well, even if he's not from a different country.

I think the key here is whether he can listen to you when you say you feel taken for granted. Maybe he needs to remember to make the effort after you've cooked a meal, for example, and maybe you need to cut back on your "thankyous" after he's done something. It's about whether you can both communicate and consciously make the effort to please the other.

Cut back on the thank yous? Why should the OP behave like an ignorant pig just because he's one?

You don't have to say "thank you" in a formal way all the time, can say things like "lovely meal" or "that's great" or just an appreciative smile, but I do think that if you live with someone full time the common courtesies are more important, not less. I do this with my DC too, a quick "thanks x" or "grooveh" or whatever's appropriate in context, but some kind of acknowledgement that your nearest and dearest's efforts are noticed and welcomed. Why wouldn't you? And then they know whether you want them to do it again.

Cogito, if her H is saying to her "You make me feel like a servant when I say thank you" then yes, the right thing to do is to take that into account. Being polite is about making other people feel good, not about making them feel bad. Insisting on doing something that someone dislikes isn't good manners - but this cuts both ways, and he needs to make an effort for her sake too.

It's basic manners to say thank you for cups of tea etc. Dinner always gets a thank you (we also score the meal out of ten).

Thanks for the comments, everyone. Basically, we had a big row over the weekend (very long story) and suddenly from nowhere he told me he didn't like it when I said thank you for certain things. I had no idea he felt like that and tried to get him to explain more, because, like a lot of the posters above, I feel that showing appreciation etc is really important in a relationship and I feel horribly taken for granted if I cook a nice meal that's taken me some time, for example, and he doesn't say thanks (or show some form of appreciation) - just seems to expect that I'll do that etc.

Anyway, it surprised me when he said this, as it seems very alien to me, so I just wondered what other people thought about it. I'm still not entirely sure what he means by it, but hopefully we'll have more of a chat about it all later and I'll find out more clearly what exactly he feels.

He told you exactly what he meant to begin with. He said thanks makes him 'feel like a servant'. What he's saying is that he feels inferior to you. When you are being polite he sees it as superior behaviour. Are you from similar backgrounds?

What did you row about? Are you sure he isn't just using this as an excuse so he doesn't have to treat you with manners?

We say thank you and please all the time, I think it shows respect between us.. we even thank each other after sex! (sorry TMI)

Out of interest how long have you been together, has this rankled with him for some time? You could try dropping the politeness and see if he notices. Everyone else might think you were a monster of ingratitude but he would be thrilled presumably. I couldn't go through life not saying please and thank you, I hope I raised my DCs to say it and mean it. Have you met the in-laws, are they like this at home?

Hmm, I wonder if it really bothers him then or whether it's just something he plucked out of the air to justify being in a snit. XH used to pull up random non-offences to complain about and it left me because I had no idea why it would be a problem, even though he had told me it was, so it must be. Actually it was most likely the first daft excuse that popped into his head.

I read (somewhere/here?) that the frequency of please/thank you indicates the intimacy if the relationship. It is a key indicator of an affair! E.g. If a normal college hands you a drink you say thank you, if you see a man hand a female colleague a drink and she doesn't say thank you (or vice versa) there's a good chance they're sleeping together! I.e they're so close that the thank you's not required.

Not sure i agree mind DH &I say it a lot, although probably more when we're making a special effort because we're both aware we're going through a rocky patch

the strange thing is, he always reminds his daughter to say thank you to me if I cook them both dinner or do something for her.

I'd said thanks when he came to pick me up from work (I'm doing placements in a hospital for a midwifery degree), so I really appreciated not having to get the bus after a 12.5 hour shift at 9pm. Personally, I don't think it's odd to say thanks for that?

The arguments were I think mostly because he's feeling ignored just now as I'm doing a 10 week full-time placement at a hospital, which I have been massively stressed about and takes up a lot of my emotional capacity. I also think there are lots of issues going on with him about various other things (too lengthy to mention here), so I don't think it's entirely just about thanks or please etc, but we need to have a proper calm discussion about it all.

Re the PIL, they both seem very nice and have actually told him off for not being thoughtful enough towards me when we stayed with them for a short time eg getting a drink for himself but not one for me - little things like that.

We've been together for about 5 years and he's never mentioned it before, which is why it took me by surprise last night.

If he doesn't say thanks to me when I do things for him, it makes me feel like a servant, so I have to admit it's hard for me to properly understand the opposite feeling he mentioned, and I feel really weird not saying thanks for something!

Anyway, hopefully we'll get it all resolved tonight.

Thanks again everyone.

Annie might have a point about him randomly picking something that he claims to feel hard done by if he's never mentioned it once in 5 years.

Hope your calm discussion went well.