Need perspective urgently! Seriously thinking of leaving 'H' and 4 DCs and running away!

[WantToRunFarFarAway]

I would imagine the DCs will not be far behind me but I can't think of any other option to get out of my current situation.

Been with H for 20 years and he has turned into an utterly nasty arse. Emotionally abusive and terrible temper tantrums. We have had the kind of bad luck during those 20 years that you would not believe including the bereavement of a child and which has badly affected my mental health (anxiety) and H hates me for being 'pathetic' . We had a major financial catastrophe 7 years ago which culminated in us losing everything financially including our own home and have no hope of ever having enough for a deposit for our own home again.

We have been living in council accommodation which is a tiny 2nd floor flat with no garden and no lift for the last 2 years after privately renting and it is so hard to cope with day to day stuff but H will not move back into private rented as this is cheaper. The council housed us here after our 3rd landlord in 3 years gave us notice as he wanted to move back into his house. We went to the council for help as I was unexpectedly pregnant with DC4 and I could not bear having to keep on moving. We were told we had to move here but would have higher priority to move into a house after a year. Now the council will not move us and have recently changed the priority banding which means that we don't have any so we will be stuck here indefinitely.

H has decided we HAVE to stay in this flat. He has his job here and he will not countenance moving anywhere where it is cheaper to rent even though he can ask for a transfer up north where we could get a 4 bed for £700 a month!

I have decided that if we can't afford the to rent a decent home here (£1200+ pm) then we have to move somewhere we can.

H feels I am to blame for our financial predicament as it was my idea to emigrate abroad which is how we lost all our money (too much stuff happened out there to go into). He has recently told me that before I got pregnant with our 1st DC he had already decided to dump me but then he couldn't, he does not love me and I have ruined his life. I suffered an extremely abusive childhood which I have had therapy for and he has told me that he understands why my family hated me .

I literally want to through myself over the balcony most days. I have had the downstairs neighbours calling my DCs 'cunts' due to the relatively normal kids noise they make. I get unreasonably angry with them for making any noise due to downstairs neighbours hearing . I have nowhere to dry clothes, have to carry heavy shopping up 2 flights of stairs and sometimes DC4 if he refuses to walk up them resulting in a prolapse due to heavy lifting (according to my GP). I worry about getting the DCs out if there is a fire, worry about DC4 falling off the balcony (I have put netting over it) or out of a window etc. The area is very rough with screaming in the street and loud parties a common occurrence. I will not let my older DSs play outside so they stay in as we have no garden and don't get me started on the prepayment gas/electric meters which are OUTSIDE the building so when it eats £10 of gas up in a day and I have no hot water when I am naked in the shower, I have run down the aforementioned 2 flights of stairs to put on the emergency credit. We also have mould and the place is freezing.

It is an utter nightmare and I can't live like this any more with him eroding my self esteem as well and I don't want my DCs to live like this. H seems to think he is in control (I used to be a higher earner than him and made all the decisions because he wouldn't) and he is using this to control me.

H has said that he will not allow me to take his DC's away from him so I have told him I will move out then on my own. He will not be able to do his precious job without me there as he works until late at night. He has admitted he would rather work than be at home with the DCs. He will not quit his job so the DCs will come with me anyway but I want it to be in such a way that it's his decision so he can't say I took the DCs away from him iyswim.

I have found a 4 bed cottage in the Somerset for £650 pm (we are in the South East) and will have enough money saved to pay 4 months rent up front and deposit. Financially I will be better off as a SP until DC4 starts school next September and I can start work again. I really would rather H would come with us so the DCs have their dad but I will not live with his blame and vitriol. The DCs will probably be relieved.

Can I do this? Am I mad?

[MadBusLady]

Oh I'm sorry, that's horrible. Yes, I imagine that is tied in with it. But it really doesn't sound to me like your DC are in a healthy situation here - and I don't just mean the flat. It sounds to me like their best interests are served by getting away from this man who treats their mother so appallingly and seems not to care about them at all.

You have a plan, and some money, and the determination to make things better for your DC, and you are asking for support here. That is a great start. I think it is just worth talking through your options in a very practical way with someone informed, so you can make sure you've considered exactly what it is you are getting away from, and why, and how the new set-up is going to work.

Obviously, none of this applies if you or the DC feel in any physical danger from him. If that happens, sod preparation, just go.

[MadBusLady]

I also meant to say, you all leaving obviously doesn't mean he will never see them again, in any case. All that can be negotiated.

[Nanny0gg]

But he won't be 'abandoning' your children.

You will be taking them away from someone who has no care for their welfare.

If we take everything that you have written at face value, there is not one single, solitary reason for you to stay.

I wish you luck.

[maparole]

You are clearly in an absolutley desperate state, and no wonder! It seems clear to me that the thought about leaving the kids was just a millisecond of madness.

I really think you need to talk to WA/CAB/a solicitor about your options and to firm up your plans a bit. Do you have any family or friends at all to support you through this? I understand that you are trying to find a cheaper place to live, but I would be wary of moving to a totally strange area, as it will take you longer to get back on your feet and you would be very isolated. As mentioned above, areas are often cheap(er) because work is hard to come by.

Yes, you need to get out, but try to take a breath and not let your judgement be clouded by your desperation.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Oh blimey.

Pack your bags, take your children and leave. Your life is passing by in a place you hate. Your children's childhoods are passing by.

You'll be better off as a lone parent. Get all your ducks in a row and go for it!!!

[MatildaMai]

I have found a 4 bed cottage in the Somerset for £650 pm (we are in the South East) and will have enough money saved to pay 4 months rent up front and deposit. Financially I will be better off as a SP until DC4 starts school next September and I can start work again.

That sounds like a really good plan. I would do this. But what about furniture, etc?

[whoselifeisitanyway]

I don't think 'just go' to Somerset is good advice when you have four children and no job!

I agree you should leave. But to completely relocate as a single parent? I think you need more of a long-term plan, not just the next four months. The next four months will fly by as you settle in and then what? I agree with others who are saying move out but more locally.

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

I want it to be in such a way that it's his decision so he can't say I took the DCs away from him iyswim.

Surely when you say

He has admitted he would rather work than be at home with the DCs. He will not quit his job.

Then it is his decision that the children go with you.

Go now.

[GeekLovesANYFUCKER]

Go ASAP as otherwise he will get wind of it. Even if you. An only take what you carry. Freecycle is good for furniture and stuff is just stuff. Just think of a Christmas without him.
Also I bet your anxiety will improve once he is out of your life.
ALSo I would contact Women's Aid to be sure.

[Matildathecat]

I think that if you have a history of DV or DA then if you move to a new part of the country you will get help more easily from the housing dept. you may qualify for housing benefit etc. I would definitely call women's aid for advice.

I do hope you can get away soon, this existence sounds unbearable. Have you got your money, documents etc safe? It would be terrible if he got his hands on your running away tools.

Sending you such warm hugs. You say how weak you feel but my god you sound strong and resourceful.

[Matildathecat]

Ps don't take him with you for the kids sake. You actually sound as if you hate him and from what you say he sure doesn't care much about you.

Wishing you a fresh start with your dc. Just you and them. You'll be fine. Better than fine and so will they.

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

Go but don't leave the children of course.