Just how bad do things have to be...

[Chuckthefucklebrothers]

...before you call time on a marriage?

I've been married for 5 years, have two DC, one toddler & one teenager. Teenager is from previous marriage, gets on great with DH.

We broke up for a year before we got married - we first got together 10 yrs ago. Things aren't awful, there's no violence, no gambling, no drugs, nobody's cheating. Some of the time we get on well & have a laugh. But there's no spark between us - I'm not sure I ever fancied him that much & our sex life has always been a bit of an ordeal (he suffers from PE). He snores so badly that I now sleep in DS2's room - his snoring is made worse by the fact that he is overweight. He talks a lot about losing weight but never does. I've tried to be supportive but there's only so much i can do. It feels like he'd rather stuff his face than sleep with me. I can feel us emotionally distancing ourselves from each other.

I'm sure we could go on like this indefinitely without causing the kids any grief but it feels so soulless. It's not as if I'd be happier without him (he left a few months back over a stupid row but came back after a week, I was in bits) so should I just plod on & try to be happy with other aspects of my life? I've found myself wishing that he would cheat so I had a reason to end it. I feel dead inside.

God, I've just read that back & I sound so self-pitying! I really would appreciate someone else's perspective - everyone I know thinks he's great & everything's fine.

Only you can answer that chuckthefucklebrothers (great name btw!)

I guess a lot of people stay in a marriage because it's a good partnership but lacks the spark.

If you do want to work on trying to improve things, try thinking about what you'd like you marriage to be and work out some stepping stones to get there. It's all too easy to get stuck in a rut, to be parents and forget to be husband and wife.

If you do want to work on it then it's heart to heart time, the 'I love you but think we can be better' talk. See what he thinks, whether he agrees with you. If he does you're onto a winner so you both then can work out a game plan.

In my experience, a good marriage is built and requires maintenance at times when it gets a little worn. If you drift through your relationship without the maintenance then it will continue to deteriorate, even if it is still perfectly functional to all intents and purposes.

Why were you 'in bits' when he left? What was it about life without him that was so unbearable? Or do you think you panicked and caved prematurely ... and are now regretting the decision? 'Plodding on' and being 'dead inside' sounds miserable.

Do you have any other kind of connection that isn't physical?

Just as a thought experiment, how would you feel if he told you tomorrow he wanted to end the marriage, but still loved you as a friend and a former life partner, and wanted to co-parent amicably with you from the next street?