How do I tell my Dad I don't want anything to do with him anymore? Long, sorry

[SilkySocksSinkShips]

From a young age, I've always known my dad to be a bit of an arse. My mum divorced him when I was 3 and my DBro was a baby. He was (is) a violent drunk, xenophobic, homophobic and racist. When I was old enough to make my own decisions, I stopped going to his at the weekends. My brother continued weekend contact with him until he was also the same age as when I made that decision.

During my teenage years, I rarely saw him. He lived in the same town but by this point, he had fathered his 5th child with yet another woman. I had read about him in local papers getting arrested/assaulting someone/beating up his current girlfriend. Local people would express shock at discovering I was XX's daughter because, you know, I'm normal, nice and quiet.

He split up with his last partner a year ago. Has been living my DGran since. He is mid 50's for fuck sake yet acts like he is 18 again - going out and getting pissed every weekend, having his dinner cooked for him. Its, quite frankly, embarrassing. Thing is, he dotes on my DS. I started letting him into my life after having DS because he asked to. Which I've tolerated for the last 2.5 years. I told him to leave the other weekend because he was trying to teach DS to say 'blacks' after a programme DS was watching had a little black girl in. I told him in no uncertain terms that what he was doing was disgusting, I was not bringing my child up to speak or think like that and told him to leave. He (my dad) just found the whole thing funny.

Which brings me to the latest saga. I had to take him hospital this week as he has broken his foot. Said he had had one too many at a works function and fell down some steps. But no. After seeing someone he works with, it transpires he was actually prevented from assaulting 2 women and in the process, twisted and broke his foot. These women are, understandably, putting a grievance in against him at work. He thought what he had done to his foot (the "fell over" excuse) was funny.

I can't have this man in my or DS' life. My DBro cut him out about 4 years ago after an incident at a pub involving a female friend of DBro's. I want to do the same but he has no phone at the moment so I can't ring him. I'll have to wait until he pops round one day. But how?

Sorry that is so long

Two ways.

1. Show him this and risk him not understanding what you are talking about, then getting angry.
2. Just not answer the phone when it is him, don't answer the door and avoid social situations when he is there.

He is a toxic man. Poor you for having him as a father. My Dad is toxic, but more socially acceptable. It is hard but you are doing the right thing.

I think I would be inclined to write a letter in your position. The last thing you want is an awkward conversation with someone who may well have had a few drinks, or kick off. If he comes over after that then don't answer and don't take his calls.

It is tough, when I went no contact with my mother I did it by email and then deleted my email address, changed my number (and moved, but that's a bit drastic).

Fwiw I think you are doing the right thing, your ds doesn't need someone like that in his life, and nor do you.

Good luck

A letter is a good idea. Although I wouldnt want it to get too emotional, we've never had that kind of relationship. What my mum saw in him, I'll never know! He has never displayed any anger towards me in my life, when I was child he was soft as shit but he's never been the most forward thinking parent.

I think I may have to just ignore anything from him. Not answer the phone or door to him. I also think DS can pick up on my lack of patience and uncomfortableness around my dad which isn't fair on him.