How and when to leave ...

[IsThisMyLife]

I've been on MN all day looking for my answer in someone else's thread but biting the bullet now and posting my own. I know leaving is the right thing to do, but I don't know how to.

Been with DH for 20+ years and getting to the end of my tether. Neither of us have been happy for some time, but I believe he will put up with it forever. Things have got to this stage a couple of times before, but he has pleaded to save our relationship, and I have ultimately backed down. I am far from perfect, but I can no longer cope with the lack of intimacy, his attitude with DD, his mood swings, refusal to talk about our relationship (or anything serious) and putting down/alienating my friends and family. A particular comment he made recently has been the final straw. He has said in the past that he won't be made to leave the house (which I own). Although I've always been the breadwinner (DH isn't materially minded and hasn't made financial contributions to household for years) but I would happily give him half in the event that we have to sell the house, but that's in the longer term. Should DD and I move out to show him I'm serious? But maybe he will never move out of our family home and I can't afford to pay for both for long. To add to the dilemma, DD has important exams next year so maybe I should wait - after all, I've put up with it until now. On the other hand, is there ever a 'good time'?

Rather than moving out why not look into the practicalities of a divorce? Talk it all through with a solicitor, see what the score is regarding any marital assets (usually considered 50/50 if acquired during the marriage, regardless of individual financial contribution incidentally), what to do about living arrangements short-term and take it from there. He'd have to take that seriously.

Thanks Cogito. I can be very 'all or nothing' so your sensible suggestion fits neatly in the middle. I will look for a solicitor (only used one for house purchases previously and that was the firm we use at work).

I would not consider leaving the house with him in it under any circumstances. That would significantly strengthen his claim on it.

I agree with cog that proceeding to divorce might force the issue, and make him realise that his continued lodging is not tenable.

Get some decent legal advice.

I always advocate getting legal advice first before making any decisions. It doesn't commit you to anything, it just lets you know where you stand. Although frankly, if you have to "threaten" a guy with divorce to get him to behave decently after 20 years together, it doesn't sound like a frightfully promising recipe for happily ever after.

Find yourself a solicitor who specialises in family law/divorce, and remember expensive does not necessarily = better. (My solicitor cost half as much as XH's but ran rings around him; meanwhile I heard some horror stories from work colleagues about their highly expensive but almost totally useless solicitors). Book an introductory session and see if it's someone you are comfortable with, who will be strong in your corner. Again, strong does not have to = confrontational.

I think you will find that if you are married that he is entitled to half of your joint assets regardless of who paid for what. After 20 years and with children involved it can get difficult if neither party wishes to leave the marital home. You may have to suggest selling up and both downsizing in order to live separately. For the sake of children it is better that he leaves in order to not cause extra distress, a reasonable man should understand this, but you may have to sell once the youngest reaches 18 or deemed not dependant. Good luck. It is a miserable place to be in.

Thanks everyone. Looks like I will be trying to find a decent lawyer. Flora, I wasn't trying to suggest that I would try to get out of halving our assets, I was just trying to point out that without an income he might find it harder to source alternative accommodation and I don't want to make things harder than they need to be.

I agree that seeking legal advise first will help you to make an informed choice should you decide to end your relationship.