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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mum is driving me mad!

14 replies

CiderBomb · 17/11/2013 15:26

I've written quite a bit about my mum on MN lately, but quite honestly she's driving me insane. I feel terrible for saying that as I was raised to believe that you shouldn't ever criticise your parents and she's a good mother in the sense that I know that she does love and care for me, but I find being around her so draining.

She never stops moaning. I mean constantly. She barely stops for air, and it's usually about the most ridiculously trivial things. She has a pretty charmed life. She is semi retired and only works a few mornings a week, paid off her mortgage years ago, and whilst not millionaires they are pretty comfortable by today's standards. She's in pretty good health for her age as well, but you'd never know any of this if you had to listen to her for five minutes. She is always complaining about how terrible and stressful her life is and how she needs another holiday, but she's always on holiday. She and my dad have about three or four a year and that's on top of the countless weekends away they have. I've not been away for a few years because I can't afford it but I have to sit there and listen to her moaning when I know she was in fucking Spain only a month ago!

I know people with terrible personal problems like terminal illness, financial burden, close bereavements and they never moan as much as she bloody does. It's hard to hold my tongue in her company, she's so bitter about everything and has become bitchy and mean spirited. Apparently all her friends have nicer houses than she does and it's so unfair because she's worked hard all her life, but there is nothing wrong with her house, and people who visit always complement her on it!

She is quite a heavy drinker, and I think this makes her this way and I've said on another thread that I think she is a functioning addict. Alcohol is a depressant and is possibly contributing to this behaviour somewhat. But she is defensive about it and woe betide anyone who makes a joke about her drinking, she can't laugh at herself at all. Funnily enough when she's on holiday I feel so much more relaxed because I don't have to listen to her latest whinge!

It's got to the stage now that I want to avoid her because I find her constant negativity so so galling. I'm worried that one day I am just going to explode and tell her exactly what I think and she'll probably never, ever speak to me again.

Please someone help me regain my sanity!

OP posts:
tickingboxes · 17/11/2013 15:37

I'm sorry you're going through this. A lot of what you say makes me think your mum is suffering from depression. Depression often makes you lose sight and perspective; it would explain why she is complaining irrationally and never seems happy with her lot. The alcoholism may be an attempt to cope and shut down these negative thoughts through drink (my Dad does this whenever he's upset, and the least thing can trigger a binge).

If she wants help, she will have to target the root cause of the depression - not the alcohol or life situation, but her thoughts. My Dad has tried to do this without professional help which is hard because it means sitting down with him for hours on end while he tries to sort his head out and talk his way round to thinking more positively about whatever is upsetting him. And we don't all have time for that.

oldgrandmama · 17/11/2013 15:41

I'm so sorry - she sounds completely draining. Not that it's much comfort, but I know much younger people who moan and bitch in the same way! I think when you're around her, you just have to sort of 'tune out', let her whinge on and on, just mutter 'mmm' and 'ah' now and then and just don't actually listen to what she'd banging on about. Or - you could do something like saying 'well, compared to sokme poor soul in the Philippines at the moment, you're pretty well off ... how about making a donation to Medecin sans Frontieres or The Red Cross...?' (Yes, I know, probably just get her off on another moaning tangent ...!)

Lots of elderly people do moan and many of them have a lot to moan about ... I speak as an informed ancient person, but I don't think I moan!

GoodtoBetter · 17/11/2013 15:46

She might be depressed or she might just be self obsessed misery, like my dear mother. If she's an alcholic you could read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it's good on all types of difficult parent-child relationships.

CiderBomb · 17/11/2013 15:48

The thing is she's not even elderly. Well, not yet anyway. I do try and tune out when I'm with her but it's hard.

OP posts:
Meerka · 17/11/2013 18:34

I do know what you mean, a relative who you come away from feeling drained, exhausted and grey, over and over, is pretty awful. The only thing I can suggest is keeping visits and phone calls short. It means that she'll start complaining about that, but I'm afraid that there's no way to completely win. You just have to make life bearable for you.

aurynne · 17/11/2013 18:37

"I'm worried that one day I am just going to explode and tell her exactly what I think and she'll probably never, ever speak to me again".

Would that be so bad?

Shellywelly1973 · 17/11/2013 18:47

Your mum sounds very like my mum. My mums been an alcoholic for about 25 years.

She a miserable, moany, critical, self absorbed woman.

I have visited her twice this year. I never spend more then 20 mins on the phone. I speak to her about every 10 days - 2 weeks. Never more frequently.

I tell her nothing & when she starts her moaning I always deflect or distract her.

My mil died of lung cancer in September. All my mother wsnted to do was talk about her health. My mother has never mentioned my mil since the funeral. She hasn't even asked if dp or the dc are ok.

Keep your distance. Keep sane!

CiderBomb · 17/11/2013 19:09

Trust me aurynne, she can't take any criticism at all. She can't even laugh at herself, if I did tell her a few home truths she'd explode. It's best off if I keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:
Shellywelly1973 · 17/11/2013 19:12

CiderBomb I would never confront or critise my mother directly. We once tried to speak to her about her drinking. She tried to commit suicide!

I umm & ahhh through conversations!

TalkingintheDark · 17/11/2013 19:16

I'm pretty sure what aurynne meant was would that be so bad if she never spoke to you again, not would she really react so badly if you spoke your mind.

Just something to think about.

DeckSwabber · 17/11/2013 20:06

It sounds as if your relationship has strong foundations. I'm sure you'll find your way back.

Could you find time to spend just with her? Lunch out?

DeckSwabber · 17/11/2013 20:07

Shit! posted on wrong thread Blush. Sorry.

CiderBomb · 18/11/2013 15:44

I wouldn't want to cut her off altogether because she's not always like this, however she is like it very often. It's only recent though, I don't remember her being this negative years ago. It's something that's only happened over the past few years or so.

She's easily the most negative person I know and can make the most mundane things seems like a life threatening crisis/disaster. It's not like she doesn't realise she's doing it either as she only ever really moans and complains at her immediate family which is me, DF and DB.

OP posts:
pippop1 · 18/11/2013 15:48

Could you find her a counsellor and suggest she goes and sees them? She probably won't want to do this but every time she is negative you can say," if only you'd see that counsellor, I'm sure that they could help you."

You are then putting the responsibility on her to make her life better (as she sees it).

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