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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Had it out with my SIL!

8 replies

Thomcat · 11/07/2006 13:04

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh scary!
Just wasn't bloody having anymore of it so had to say something.

Had a party for my PIL on Sunday. SIL and D's brother arrived Sat nite. She basically totally blanked me, again. Avoided all eye contact etc. I was fuming and told D and his mum that that was it, she could piss off and they both said 'ohhh giveher half an hour'. Yeah right, I've given her 7 years! D's sister later confimedn that SIl does indeed have a problem with me. Basically, without putting too finer a point on it, she's jealous. Mainly of my relationship with my FIL. She can't get on with him. He is very difficult but I accept his ways as I actually love the man, also like him and if he pisses me off or is out of line i say something. She just fumes, takes the things he says and bottles up her resentment and anger and now just never comes round etc.

So I had it out with her. I asked for a quiet word and she really didn't want to but it had to be done. She ran off saying she'd see what her DH was doing. Then tried to avoid me so I gort her on her own again and repeated my request to which she blurted out 'Ohhhh that's right, you're the good opne againa nd I'm the baddie'.

I took her to one side and she basically doesn't like me as she thinks I took my confirmation just to please my FIL (rubbish) thinks I'm up his arse (bollocks I just quite like him and treat him the same I do anyone else), was so, so pleased my last child wasn't a boy as she knows he wants a grandson and would never have gotten over me giving him one. Thinks I flirt with my FIL (rubbish - I'm friendly and bubbly and have a laugh with him, I know how to handle him and we get on really well. He's so similar to my DP but 1000 times worse! I'm the same with him as I am my own dad and my uncles etc)
She said she wanted me to be her allie (sp?) but I told her I couldn't bve as I didn't feel the same about him that she did but it didn't mean that we had to be sworn enemies.
I see him almost weekly, she might see him once a year.
I don't take offence, she does.
He does prefer me, it's obvious and he's pretty much told me that, but that';s his wrongdoing and not my fault.

Not sure where we go from here but at least I sort of cleared the air. There was too much to say and not enough time with other peoiple wanting to get into the kitchen etc.

Hopefully she won't just blank me like that anymore and we can go from there.
Hopefully she'll feel more inclined to come to family functions now?????

OP posts:
Twiglett · 11/07/2006 13:10

good for you

takes guts to do that .... well done!

hunkermunker · 11/07/2006 13:11

Oh, blimey, TC

It's her problem, that much is crystal clear.

I hope she starts to realise that.

You're utterly fab and it's her loss if she can't see that.

And at her saying that about your beautiful DD2!

ScoobyDooooo · 11/07/2006 13:13

Well done for doing that thomcat its always the best way to be.

she clearly has the problem, you have now tried to talk with her & make things easier, so now the ball is in her court, wait & see how she is next time you see her.

I had a problem like this, i was very vey close to my MIL we got on very well, then i started to also talk to my SIL very openly about a couple of family things that were buging me, she then went off & totally lied & twisted things to my MIL (her mother) BUT i know exactly why she done it, she was very jealous because i was close to MIL i could not help it we just get on very very well & family circumstances brought us closer. She had to find a way to split our friendship becasuse i believe she was jealous of what we had. Anyway to cut a long story short 1 night she probed my & questioned me about a few family things i answered honestly, she then twisted it again & went back told MIL so i then was very upset but was not getting into a he said seh said row so i have now never ever spoken to her sonce & i will never ever speak to her again, all in all my relationship with MIL has dwindled ( on my behalf ) i have now decided to stay well away & just gte on with my own life they live 300 miles away.

Its a real shame but people just can not control there jealousy & they get nasty & have to find away to to vent it.

I hope verything works out for you all & maybe if she lets things go it could be a new start

Thomcat · 11/07/2006 13:21

I think what I'll do at the next family function is give her as much room as possible with the FIL. I don't want to change the way I am when she's around but I will try not to be quite as palsy with him. I would like her to be able to cope with the family more as, as I said to her, I want the cousins to grow up knowing each other. Why should our kids miss out on that, why should her DH, just because she doesn't like her FIL and finds it hard to be around me becasue I do.

So pleased I know what it's all about.
Wanted to drop kick her on Saturday night and most of Sunday and now I just want to make it better.
Trouible is I can't be seen to be trying or I'll just be golden girl again.

She blanked my offer of dinner at ours years ago, 3 times on the trot, as she said 'there I went agian, being nice, making the effort'.

Can't win with her really.
Just need to give her space. next event is my DD's baptism though and that'll probably be all wrong as her's aren't baptised and FIL will think I'm all wonderful for doing the right thing.

Oh well, that really is her problem, I'll just try and not be around FIL too much in front of her.

OP posts:
warthog · 11/07/2006 14:06

can you tell your fil what's going on, so that he is aware of it? or do you think that would make it more awkward? she sounds really bitter!

hunkermunker · 11/07/2006 14:10

You don't deserve this, TC - I really wish she could see how brilliant you are and love you for it, rather than getting all eaten up wth jealousy

Thomcat · 11/07/2006 14:14

I have thought this but,.............not sure. Have told my MIL. Will discuss it with her and DP and see if we should make him more aware of the effect he is having on her.
I don't blame her but example of how we took same comment differently.

He would like a grandson but whatever, never given it any thought.

When SIL had her 2nd DD he held her and then handed her back and said "Could I havce a grandson next", big smile on his face, all jovial. Not very nice thing to say, but she's never gotten over it and is still really angry and can never forgive him.

He said to me over the weekend something about all these girls and said to me "Can I have something with a bit more between the legs next time". And I just laughted and said (as I want another and DP doesn't) "Pah, have a word with youur son about that one, would be nice though". and thought no more of it.

We were all about to sit down at table and SIL says to her DH, "Does your Dad always have sit at the head of the table?"
FIL walks into room says "Where shall I sit, shall I sit here?" ,points to chair at the head of the table> and I say "sit where you like Jim, it's your house". Now yes, I did say that on purpose as I was fuming with her for blanking me all evening and it's what i feel, sit where you like, what's it bloody matter?

OP posts:
Thomcat · 11/07/2006 14:15

Crossed poists with you Hunk, sorry and thanks.
Wish you could see how brilliant you are. xx

OP posts:
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