When NC goes on for a few months...

[Shellywelly1973]

I made the decision to go NC with my older sister in May. I have very limited contact with my mother.

It took me a long time & some absolutely outrageous behaviour on their part before I decided to stop/reduce contact.

What I've started to wonder about is my lack of feeling. I used to consider my sister my close friend but I don't miss her at all. She's a bully & alot of her behaviour is controlling- possibly narrisitic. She smoked weed for years but stopped. Her behaviour became even worse when she stopped smoking. She was always supportive but seriously over stepped boundaries...long & boring!

Our mother is an alcoholic. Totally self absorbed. I have visited her twice this year. Even though she lives half an hour away. I speak to her as little as possible, about once every 10 days. We used to talk daily.

Is it normal to feel indifference to close family members in this sort of situation? I don't miss them at all. I have no intention of making contact.

I have a younger sister I adore. We get on very well. Very healthy unconditional relationship. My mother & sister treated her much worse then me.

Any advice or experiences of others in this situation would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I think it's quite normal not to miss pain. Get a bad tooth removed and you don't miss the toothache... May is still early days, however. There will be moments, memories, anniversaries or whatever in the future that might make you feel slight regret but, as you've made the decision for very good reasons, they'll only be fleeting.

I went NC with my mother 19 months ago. It's a situation that won't ever change for a number of reasons, but mainly that without her in my life, I can begin to undo some of the damage she did.

My children don't fully know why we are NC (they can't for legal reasons) but my youngest (7) never mentions her and my eldest (15) refers to her as "someone we used to know".

I don't miss her. I often wish I hadn't had the sort of mother I'd had to go NC with, but I don't ever wish I'd not gone NC with her.

She did/said some horrible things and when I remember those, or I live the impact of those, I can still feel anger/sadness but not on the same scale as before.

But I generally feel complete indifference, too. I don't miss her, I don't feel a 'pull' to get in touch, this year I didn't even remember it was her birthday. Being/remaining NC isn't a struggle - I'm not fighting an urge to see her... It's a blessing and a relief.

Since going NC, my dad has died and my marriage has broken down. I said to my brother at the time that had she still been in our lives (he's NC with her too) it would have made both of those things more difficult to get through. So I didn't wish I still had my mum even then.

Thanks for the replies.

Maybe im not just an unfeeling old bag then!

I found out I was pregnant the week after I decided to go NC. My mil was diagnosed with terminal cancer in the July. My mil died in September.

My younger ds has started the process of assessment for ASD. Dp needs major surgery. Our mother has had a stroke...busy 6 months! I don't feel the 'need' to see my sister. I would never have thought I could coped with all that without my sisters support.

I don't confide in my mother. Very surface conversations. She never invites us to her house. She doesn't drive so hasn't been to my house in nearly 6 years. Though I've invited her. Last Christmas she was 1 road away from out house but didn't visit.

I don't have contact with my niece's either as they are just mini versions of my sister. I need to decide about Christmas cards & presents for my nieces. Im normally very extravagant but feel it would be false & not real so will probably not send gifts.

Whst do others do?

If you get on very well with one sister, then it does tend to indicate that it's not you so much as the dynamics with the other two.

It's weird though isn't it? like there ought to be a toothache when a tooth is pulled out, but somehow there isn't. Puzzling. I know what you mean about feeling that you ought to miss them more. After all, they are family. But if you have normal relationships with other people, normal friendships, and have regret / pain if someone you are close to dies, then you can be sure regarding your mother/sister that it's not you.

Very good points Meerka

My older sister treated my younger sister really badly. My mother tried to make out it was all about younger sister dh. All of our family, aunts, uncle's & cousins are aware the situation. No one other then my bil & mother know I have decided on NC with my sister.

My older sister has lots of friends but few close friends. I don't have loads of friends but the friends I have are very close & we've been friends for years.

Losing my mil has been awful. I miss her every day. We didn't have a mother/ daughter relationship. Mil struggled with her dd & I was in different to my dm...we had a very unconditional relationship. Unique & based on genuine care & respect.

The fact that you don't miss contact is really important. Maybe it feels like a relief? In our society there is the expectation that we should try to maintain family relationships, but they may do more harm than good. I think it is these expectations which make no contact so difficult. Once we can get past those, it becomes easier, life gets better.

I went NC with my mother 8 years ago, she blanked me at my Gran's funeral 7 years ago then I didn't see her until,2 weeks ago at my brother's wedding, where she was icily polite when I said hello.

And I didn't care. I'm a good person with an interesting life (she's pretty much always hated my husband of 19 years, no idea why) and she's missing out on three awesome grandchildren.

Her choice.