How do you react when you are furiously angry at an adult?

[shadesofwhite]

Just that really. I know we all have a right to be angry/upset if not treated well but how do yu react/express your anger to that person who has angered you? What is/not acceptable? Especially in a not-so-well founded relationship.

Anything you've done out of anger you are really ashamed off?

TIA

Well, he's responded with a deeply personal insult designed to cut to the core, which means that he's well on the defensive. Which means he probably feels you have some justification for reacting the way you did. He sounds like an arse.

shades If you are being attracted to the wrong people, then you need to sit down and decide what it is that really attracts you and then which characteristics hide a rather grotty way of dealing with women.

You can reprogram yourself, you really can, but it takes work and as ever, willingness to change.

If it's any help, on the occasions Im cross / angry and havent said so immediately I tend to go through a checklist:

1. is the thing I'm cross about something it's reasonable to be cross about?

2. If im not sure, I have a couple of good friends whom I can ask for honest feedback on if I'm being reasonable / unreasonable.

3. What do I want as an outcome of this problem and how do I get there? (usually I want it not to have happened but hey). How can I get there? Being calm and speaking how I feel is likely to get me further than either raging or bottling it up. I've come to hate raging, anyway.

well that's the theory. Like I say, it doenst work for me quite often. But when it does, its by using these steps.

Just wish I could stop things haunting me :/

I don't know what's a Normal r'ship and how much is too much not to carry on with the relationship.

Well, the first 8 months shouldn't feel like hard work. It should be excitement, anticipation, joy, butterflies-in-stomachs and a thousand little kindnesses.

Mildly angry, I weigh up whether to state my case, or leave it alone.

Extremely angry, I tend to go non-contact until I can compose myself well enough to deal with it. If needs be, a bit of furious cleaning helps me to get to that point.

You sound like you're still deeply scarred by your ex's treatment of you and it was rather twattish of the guy you've been dating to throw that relationship in your face after he'd already hurt you. Good riddance. Even though acting on your anger might have felt horrible at the time, I think you've done yourself a huge favour.

Personally, I see dealing with anger by text as damaging. I'd never do anything important by text or email.

After my initial outburst and then taking myself off to think, I write a lot. It halos me to gather my feelings and distill them into bullet points.

One thing I have learnt over the years is that whatever prompted me to get angry is what got me angry. For example, if hubby leaves washing on the floor, it won't be the socks it'll be the lack of thought for me and be part of an ongoing issue. There is no way I could glean why I'm upset as soon as it happens like some of the posters on here and I envy them that. I have to think things through and then discuss it once I know why I'm so upset.

Of course I'm just talking about being hugely angry and upset which rarely happens, not everyday little grievances.

I have the infamous family temper from my dads side, mixed with the patience of a saint from my grandmother.

as a result i can be pushed and pushed for months without getting angry but hell mend whoever is on the recieving end when i do lose it. it's like an explosion but thankfully it takes alot to make me really angry so doesn't happen often. i broke my exs guitar into bits once.

sherlockholmes that's me too. I'm a great believer in prevention is better than cure though so aim to deal with things whilst they are little jiggles rather than waiting for them to grow into serious problems.

I've never been convinced that the Hot But Healthy Outbursts Over In A Short Time Anger actually exists outside of an Enid Blyton story.

I generally swallow it down, act reasonable and pleasant...then have a nervous breakdown later.

Don't know how you all feel about this but I do believe that the truth comes out in anger.

So many times I've heard people say "I didn't mean it, I was angry, it just came out". I tend to disagree. I know that when I'm angry (not often) the truth outs.

I have worked very hard to lose my anger and I have to walk away and formulate a response because if I open gob without engaging brain l would be mortified

#beingagrownupishard

OP you may or may not have acted reasonably when you sent the texts - I don't know what he lied about or what you said in the texts. But I do know that anyone who throws your past abusive relationship on your face is not someone who deals with conflict or anger in a mature way. It was designed to hurt you. The 'only joking' when called on a lie/cruelty is a common tactic.

I once had an e-mail argument with an ex. I started it, by straightforwardly raising something I was upset about. Probably not the best method of communication but he was ignoring my calls and we had some distance between us at the time so couldn't meet face to face.

In return I got ten pages of defensive clap trap with key points underlined and in red text for emphasis.

I've never laughed so much as thinking about him pouring out all that bilge and then going to "format text" and making it look even crosser.

I rarely get that angry, life's too short and most things that annoy me seem to involve communication problems or crossed wires and I often feel I played my part in whatever it is I'm angry about. I tend to discuss it straight away, unless I feel I'm disproportionately angry in which case I'd got for a walk or run first to get rid of the adrenaline and get things in proportion.
If someone I was having a relationship with dragged 8 months of frustration into an argument and asked me never to contact them again I'd be happy to oblige.
I would only tell someone never to contact me again if I meant it. If you meant it and feel you were justified in getting this angry with him and the relationship is over then it's OK to get that angry and I'd move on and find someone you are more compatible with, although some people seem to enjoy a good shout.

Thanks for all your responses, I do feel 100 times better at ending this relationship of a joke over an argument. A rl friends shares my opinion that my action was justified considering how hurt I was after him bringing up my past abusive relationship just to cover up his unreasonable behavior. One thing that angered me most was when he was "educating me" on how to deal with anger in a relationship..he said that when your man annoys you, silence is the best weapon and he'll always come around He sounded like my exH! Shut up and deal with it kinda thing. Apparently the more I let my mouth run at him..I'm driving him away and its not very lady like. I have a DD from my past r'ship and he never makes an effort to get to know her, we live 30miles apart and yet I don't remember a day he drove down to come see us/go out for a meal I've always done the going catching buses and trains. When he's unwell, I've always gone to look after him and help him sort anything out, when I'm unwell he has the audacity to ask me to travel to go to his so he can look after me . I have given him more than enough chances to feel comfortable and to get used to the idea of me having a 2yrs old. Really I should have kicked his butt kissed him goodbye ages ago!

One things I do regret is ending it via text, however I felt like if I waited till I go see him next(in his own confort zone) I wouldn't have the guts to actually tell him how bad he makes me feel for lying and not making an effort. oh and one time he'd told me if someone without a baby comes along and it could be a potential r'ship between them, he'd have to end it with me .

I feel a lot better without him. Though the feeling I had when I was texting him all the things he's done that have annoyed me for the last 8mnths..makes me question myself how would I have reacted if he was right next to me. I was boiling with anger, shaky, and felt very out-of-touch with reality.

Sorry for the extra "s-es"

OP, I don't know why you are questioning your own anger responses so self-critically in respect if this man, when he is the one who has behaved appallingly to you.

The anger you felt in this context is pretty understandable and in many ways quite healthy.

One thing you might learn from this is how to recognise it and take it as a cue to dump knobbers a lot earlier. Then you won't even need to get as far as Text Wars with crap blokes.

I go outside and stamp around. Then weirdly the cat manages to find me and we have a cuddle.

it sounds like you've been patient for too long and so the irritations have built up to boiling point. If you don't trust yoruself then you've done the right thing talking it over with a friend; honest feedback is worth its weight in gold at times.

Hoping you find gold not tinsel in your next man :)

He said that he'd end it with you if someone without a baby came along?! That takes the Biscuit! I take it back - no matter what you texted him, it wouldn't have been unreasonable. I think you might need to have a look at why you put up with this for so long, and then questioned your legitimate reactions. I think you'd benefit from doing the Freedom Programme - good for finding yourself again after an abusive relationship.

I only ever get that angry on GTA 5 online. I use a headset and some choice words will be said and I might do a bit of a scream. Kids are never in the room as I play after bedtime.
In real life I just go somewhere quiet and have a bit of a whinge and wish a missile would land on the offending persons head

Theregoes thanks for mentioning the freedom program, I have done pattern changes and I'm not quite sure if the two programs are related but either way it looks like I need it. I most certainly don't want to be a doormat to men and people around me in general.

I do deserve a gold and not a tinsel! !

He said he'd dump you for someone without a child?

What an utter sh*t.

Do not waste one more second on this man. However you did it, dumping him was the right move.

The blood boiling anger is perfectly natural and it will fade in time, especially if you ensure no contact from now on.

Thanks Diagonally , I needed to hear that again. My anger was justified and its through it I made the right decision. He had the nerve to ring me few minutes ago and I, very calmly, reminded him not to contact me again. I don't know what planet was in for those 8months.

I usually go very quiet, remove myself from the situation then cry l hot, angry tears.

I used to have a flash temper and it got to the point of lashing out and then blacking out and I'm ashamed to admit I hurt people, physically.

So crying is my new release (I say new I've had it under control for about 10 yrs now)

Oh Titsa that sounds abit painful. I've been there with the flash temper but I've never hurt anyone in the process. I think dealing with anger is whatever works for everyone