I think I've married the wrong man

[Spiderwithoneeye]

We constantly argue about who does what. He was brought up in a house where his sahm did EVERYTHING. Now he expects the same, except I work 5 1/2 day week, do meal planning, shopping , all laundry and cooking. Daft things like making sure dd and DS have the right uniform/ clothes/ packed lunch/ swimming kit/ non-uniform money etc etc..I feel like I'm responsible for remembering everything- it's too much.

What was it like before you married? Or did you not live together before marrying?

Is there someone you wished you had married instead?

I didn't want to read and run. Has he always been like this or is it a new marriage? Have you told him how you feel?
I think the answers to those questions might help to tease out the issues and whether or not you have married the wrong man or are having a blip.

How long have you been married? Has he always been like this?

In the meantime have some for keeping everything afloat.

You've not necessarily married the wrong man, but the terms of the contract wrong are fundamentally wrong.

If you work a 5 1/2 day week, I assume he's working 5 days a week also, then he needs to do 50% of the housework and childcare.

First of all you have to believe absolutely that you're not on this earth to be a man's slave. That while you have put up with this status quo thus far, it is completely wrong. Secondly, you need to sit him down with a spreadsheet of your working hours, the chores & the childcare etc & divide the latter up 50:50 between the two of you.

If he complains, then go to marriage guidance to negotiate the change with a mediator.

If all that fails, then I guess you have to consider your future with him.

How were things before you got married? Did you hope that marriage would change how things?

If you are unhappy, talk, hopefully he'll see your point of view and how UR he is being. Otherwise...some hard decisions will need to be explored.

Sorry that you are in this situation OP.

Did you hope that marriage would change how things were?

Can you sit and make a lust of everything that needs to be done and on what days. Then together work out who will do what. Make a weekly/daily rota.

Really you need to have the same number of hours off chores/work.

I've he didn't pill his weight I'd send him back to his mothers.

Thanks for the replies. Before we got married/ had children we pretty much did 50/50 as there wasn't so much to do, but he seems to believe that the kids stuff is up to me. Don't get me wrong, he does do the finances and walks the dog but it's the practical day to day planning and domestic duties. I seem to spend all weekend hanging washing and cooking while he sits on the sofa. It just feels like too much sometimes. Am I expecting too much?

No, you are not expecting too much. He is taking the piss, he has 2 choices imo.

No you should each have the same amount of "free" time after household and kiddy chores are done. How old are your dc, I ask simply because it's never to early to start them helping as well as your dh doing his SHARE.

I find that my DH will do stuff when directed, but won't notice stuff if left to his own devices. This causes arguments, so I can see where you are coming from OP.

In terms of the book bags, kits, lunch money etc. DH had never done any of this and sadly I don't know a single other DH amongst my friends' DHs who does. I think perhaps because I don't trust him to do these things properly and remember to do them - I do sometimes moan about this too, but in this case I am my own worst enemy. I am fussy and want it doing right so to be fair to him he can't win. Would you say you are like this too OP?

A solution (don't get me wrong we still often argue about this stuff) is for me to very explicit about what I want doing. I also always use WILL you rather than CAN you. I read a book called 'Why men don't listen and women can't read maps' and it explained how language choices are important. Seems strange, but to my DH 'will' seems like a demand and 'can' a request.

Good luck OP - hope you reach an amicable solution. It is very hard.

Ps: This may seem like a cop out, but would you consider getting a cleaner so that a huge chunk of the chores are taken off both of you? Then you could divide the rest. Might be worth the cash to save the stress.

It's not obvious from your posts, but have you talked to him about it? If so, what was his response?

Those are not 'daft things' - they are very important to make your children feel safe and cared for. Maybe your DH hasn't thought of it like that. I don't have a magic solution but I bet he can do some of those things perfectly adequately. However, if your DC are school age and you are only just now addressing an unequal division of labour, it's going to be a struggle to change it. I have been working on it since DD was born a year ago and it's been hard sometimes. Does your MIL help or hinder? My MIL didn't work after her marriage but supports me.

I second the cleaner idea too. Outsource what you can - save the bickering for the stuff no-one else but parents can do.

I think it's rare that men think of domestic things, they need telling. My DH always told me he was too busy working when asked to do chores so I decided that if he's working then he's earning and can afford to pay for a cleaner for 2 hours a week. It takes the pressure off.

Don't worry, lots of us have made the mistake of marrying the wrong man.
It is a bit of a shock when you first realise but things pick up a lot when they move out.

This is NOT a man thing.

My DH does the packed lunches and dinner money, cooks the evening meal, andthe iironing, etc.,

Don't lump all men together because yours is a lazy star.

Lazy arse... Dyac

Agree with Yoni. It is not automatic that men are lazy and selfish, just because some are.

You must talk to him. DP and I work from the assumption that we both need equal free time once paid/house/child work is done, then divide the jobs up from there. Thinking and planning work is still work, if you are having to tell him constantly what jobs need doing, he is still not doing his fair share as you are doing all of the 'project management'.

I think it's rare that men think of domestic things, they need telling.

These threads never cease to amaze me. Me and my partner share things equally. My father and uncles all served in the army and keeping the house tidy and clean was just part of parcel of life, so I don't think it's an age thing.

Absolutely, Vivacia - my 75 year old dad manages to keep his house impeccably because he doesn't like living in squalor.

I on the other hand hate housework with a passion and do the bare minimum to maintain hygiene/sanity.

D Dad is visiting at the moment - he's doing the dishes as I mumsnet (mind you, lunch was a collaborative effort - I did most of the cooking, he peeled the carrots, 5 year old DS volunteered to set the table).

You're expecting too little not too much, I've no idea how you've put up with this this until now.

Def you need a cleaner if you don't have one, but don't let that deflect from the job of carving up the remaining chores 50:50.

My hubby needed to be trained as his mum was a SAHM and did everything. To put this into perspective he tried to make beans on toast by putting beans on bread and shoving it under the grill!

My DD knows how to cook, clean, iron, shop and budget etc.

I don't think hubby was a bad man for not knowing how to do things, nor being in the mindset to understand when things are done or how often or how long they take. He just was a product of not needing to do any of that.

I think the problem comes when people don't think they should have to do anything, rather than a lack if appreciation for what's being/needs to be done.