Has anyone done.the whole Relate thing?

[ocelot41]

DH has just agreed to do a batch of Relate sessions with me to try and resolve some things that keep coming back again...and again...and again. I'm delighted that he has made this commitment to me but don't know what to expect. Any words of advice from those who have been there? What can I expect? Any things that worked/didn't work?

Depends entirely on what the issues are. If its because he is abusive in any way DON'T DO IT! Relate can make things worse not better in those circumstances.

If it is other stuff then it could be worth a go. Why are you considering it?

A lot depends on the individual counsellor (as with any counsellor)

In my personal experience, ours was shit. Not impartial at all.

Sorry, hope your experience is better

Done it a couple of times. IME the counsellors were a bit shit and jaded. Also it can be expensive £40/h

If I was in the same situation again I would choose a private couples counsellor that I could research online.

Thanks all - it isn't about abuse. It's re the post I put on AIBU...

Hi ocelot [waves]
We've gone a couple of times for different reasons and at different stages in our relationship. One of the counsellors was good. The other wasn't as good.
So I guess the advice I would give is to change counsellor if you don't feel the sessions are working properly. (Don't feel the need to persevere - there are lots of counsellors out there and you will find one that fits).

Also, it might be good to have an idea of what issue you want to discuss rather than getting into a cycle of general complaining. I think from your other thread you know the issue you want to discuss but maybe have a think about whether it's the role or the hours that are causing most of the problems.

My final advice would be if you feel you are not being heard in the counselling then point that out to the counsellor. They should create a space for both of you to comfortably raise your concerns.

Also relate can have long waiting lists, two months for an assessment appt and then another few months for sessions to start.

Mine was brilliant but alas, my partner was not prepared to talk.

But good luck, my love. I hope it works out.

Ours was very good too.

Thanks for the words of wisdom all! I am just delighted he's agreed to it, albeit 'if I think its
necessary'. There is no divorce pending, no affair, no mega crisis like that, but the same issues of inequality, work and responsibility are circling round and round unsolved.

Kate great to see you on a different thread! I gave some thought to the points you and others so insightfully raised. I came to the conclusion that one of the best ways of breaking through this 'if it isn't an urgent emergency I tune it out' kind of thinking might be to have set appointments when this is what we do. When we spoke about it he's already said 'When you're really negative I tend not to listen because its the same things over and over again'. So maybe a counsellor can help set an.environmentin which we can try and fix things rather than my complaints becoming rather gloomy 'wallpaper'.

I would like to keep the momentum going, so maybe will look for accredited private couples counsellors as well as Youaremyrain suggests. You suggested researching them on t'internet? Other than qualifications do you know where I can find reviews?

You can find counsellors through:

www.bacp.co.uk

UKCP

The individual counsellor's websites often have reviews (although obviously you have to wonder if they would ever post any negative feedback!). However even the tone and content of positive feedback can help you judge whether you think the counsellor would be suitable.

Brill - thanks Kate. I have spotted someone a short drive away who looks like she has done lots of couple-specific training. IYE how long did it take before you felt you were making progress and if this counsellor was 'working' for you both?(looks at costs, counts beans, and winces.....)

Actually I've just realised we went to three different counsellors. With the first one, it only took one session to know she wasn't right for us. She was too bossy and superior.

With the other two, by about the third session, we knew it was working. Another point I'd make is that if the counsellor offers individual sessions at a certain point in the process then do consider it. They might have picked up on an issue that they think will be managed better on a one-to-one basis.

In my experience Relate tend to get you in ASAP. I called in Monday and was in in Friday - I waited literally years for counselling via my doctor . Call a few and talk to them, meet a few etc. good luck . It's an opportunity.

OP I'm not sure what your specific issues are , but re issues of inequality, power, equality and not being heard, our counsellor seemed to manage to get H to admit poor behaviour in these areas in the first session. I had taken 20 years and never got that by myself, but mainly denial. In fact, I had become so muddled over the years by it all, I half wondered if it was just me.

It was a male counsellor and I think he just dropped any bullshit which wouldn't be likely to wash with outsiders.