I’ll try to be succinct, but it’s long.
My narcissistic mother died 5 years ago, my brother and I were sole heirs. We both live abroad, he in the States, me in Europe. He was golden boy with hardly any contact and a great deal of unexpressed bitter resentment towards her (to be fair, I think he was more damaged than me). I had a period of NC but relented because she was my daughters’ only grandparent. I learned to have a reasonable amount of contact and support her without getting sucked in while also protecting my daughters.
I was sole executor because of his distance. When she died I was still in hospital after 4 months of operations and rehabilitation after a bad accident and I had to discharge myself about a month before it was advisable. With the help of my partner I dealt with lots of problems including evicting non-paying tenants from one of her properties then organising the major clean-up required. All this meant travelling back to UK two or three times as well as liaising with solicitors, estate agents etc. I kept him in the loop the whole time and never made a decision without his agreement and didn’t charge the estate with all the expense I incurred.
Part of her estate was some land in the Caribbean which was purchased just before my father’s death 30 years ago and never developed. In the face of considerable resistance from her I had established that the land was still in his name, but she would never let me transfer the title.
My brother was distraught when she died (lots of stuff about our father’s death). He couldn’t make up his mind whether he wanted the land or not, so I said he could take his time to decide. We agreed that he should be the one to do whatever needed to be done, the most important being to establish title – I agreed to sign something that would enable him to put it in his name and I gave him all the necessary documents.
From time to time over the next couple of years I asked him if he’d made a decision (via emails, we haven’t seen each other since the funeral). He never answered the question.
After four years I wrote and said I thought it was time to make a decision. He responded with an absolute barrage of abuse, including the accusation that I was just like our mother – calculated to hurt. I turned the other cheek, only to invite more abuse and in the end I just ignored him and in my mind wrote it off. A little later his daughter got in touch with mine to say she thought that their generation should handle the matter, much to my relief.
Now, 18 months later, he has suddenly emailed me as if nothing had happened (just like our mother!) to say he has visited the island, hired a surveyor to make a valuation, hired a lawyer to transfer the title … etc. and saying “our agreement was that I give you 50% of the valuation” and “what I need from you is ….” (i.e. papers I already gave him).
I am very angry and very suspicious. My first reaction was to meekly comply. My second was to express all my feelings with no holds barred. My partner is encouraging me to vent (I suspect because he is even angrier than me, on my behalf). My best friend counsels restraint but not unthinking compliance – i.e. get my own valuation, advice re transfer etc. He needs an official waiver from me, so I am in control. I really don’t know what to do.