Concerned about DH and drink

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Have been deciding whether or not to start this thread for a while, but here goes.

Have namechanged.

Basically, ever since I've known DH he's liked a drink. No problem with that at first - I certainly did more than my share of student drinking and we both used to drink a fair bit socially pre-DC. The difficulty is that the amount DH drinks has steadily increased. I would say on average he has a bottle of wine every week day (or sometimes half a bottle and a couple of cans of beer) and at least a bottle and a half on a Friday and a Saturday. He will kid himself that he's not had the whole bottle by leaving a dreg, but he'll drink that the next night anyway. This is all consumed at home. Due to ttc, pregnancy and breastfeeding I've either been teetotal or only having the occasional glass of wine for the last few years, so he nearly always drinks alone.

We have talked about it and he agrees he drinks too much but will just shrug and say it is because his job is so stressful. He does have a very stressful job, but tbh this is something I am quite frustrated about as he has complained non-stop about it for the last five years yet has not so much as made one other application. I think deep down he has a serious case of imposter syndrome and does not believe he can really do his job, but the irony is he has actually been promoted to quite a senior position which now makes changing jobs practically harder and adds to his stress levels.

He has never missed any time off work due to drink. He recently had some blood tests done (including liver function) and these were clear. He's never violent (although he can be verbally abusive when drunk) but I do really, really worry. We've discussed him having a couple of alcohol free days a week but he can't do it. After the DC are in bed, he basically drinks until he passes out asleep on the sofa then goes up to bed way after I have done. If we do have a conversation, this often descends into an argument prior to him passing out and he will then apologise the next morning.

I just don't really know what to do to support him. I am worried that maybe my perspective is a bit skewed as my parents don't really drink but I had an ex whose father was a chronic alcoholic and passed away in his forties, so I wonder if I've only experienced both extremes and the situation isn't as a bad as I think. On the other hand, I'm worried that he does need help and if I stand by and do nothing, I'm just enabling him to self-destruct. I fear that I basically turn into a nagging harpy whenever we discuss it and I know that can't be the right approach. We have spoken about him seeking help via the GP but even though he doesn't dismiss it out of hand, it never actually happens.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading. I'd really appreciate some thoughts. Does DH have a problem and if so what should I do?

Hubby sounds like a 'Drink Dependant' to me. If you are worried and he is verbally abusive after drinking to the point if passing out then it's a problem.

Is he waiting until he has liver damage to do something about it? Too late then, perhaps.

Get him to talk to a specialist on an advice line if he wont go to his GP for a chat.

You are not a harpy. You are a wife who deserves to be as important in the relationship as your husband.

Good luck

Many will say he is drinking too much (which he is) but it is the norm, sadly.

Is it posible to cut him some slack, let him relax a bit more at weekends maybe... don't mean for a second this is your problem, just that perhaps he is self medicating... he drinks the same as absolutely every stressed professional I know.

You sound like a lovely and caring wife.

Thanks for your reply. I do think he has become dependent on drink as a way of getting to sleep. I also think that the blood tests have lulled him into a false sense of security. This sounds awful but I was almost hoping that something would show up - in the early stages and still treatable, but enough to give him a shock and make him realise that he's not invincible.

Good idea about the helpline, I will see if he'll give it a go. He's just so defeatist about everything though. I actually think he could be depressed but he won't seek help for that either as "there's no point, they're not going to do my job for me."

Yep, agree about the blood tests and false sense of security. Does sound like he relies on alcohol to sleep and relieve stress.

I know! I do it too! I think your husband may be depressed or just very stressed, I don't think that means he is an alcoholic, although I totally understand your concern.

Don't forget to give each other LOADS of hugs! You both sound like you need them whilst you get sorted.

Sorry x-posts Somerset, thanks for responding.

I know, it probably isn't that unusual - I'm in the same profession as him, and am sure I drink far less than the average among my colleagues. I work fewer hours than him and do the lionshare of childcare/housework etc though he does his bit too. I try to make sure that weekends aren't jam packed with stuff and encourage him to do his own thing but he doesn't often want to. We often have family outings which he says he enjoys and are the only thing he really looks forward to.

I think possibly we have quite different outlooks on life. I'm generally much more optimistic and if I feel a situation isn't working I'll look at what I can do to change it. He tends to focus on the negative yet fears change so will stick things out but get more and more down about it. I know it really isn't as simple as him just walking into another job, but I also feel that there must be some middle ground which doesn't involve him just staying where he is and becoming more and more despondent. I've made it clear that I'm willing to look at all our options including me working more to enable him to take a pay cut, but he just dismisses it as not being possible without exploring it fully.

We are married to the same man and you cannot change him. He is dependent on alcohol and if he wants to stop/reduce he is the only one who can do it. In that sense there is nothing gained by 'nagging' although it's very difficult not to. My DH has demanding job etc and drinks at least a bottle of wine a night often more. I started the 'moaning' about it 2.5 years ago, but no change even an almost splitting up scenario - no change. Finally he has moved out at my request and I feel much more at ease. Obviously there are other issues at play in my relationship (being a permanent stress head, never wanting to go anywhere/do anything, pretty poor show of sharing domestic requirements) but the drink played a major role in all these other problems. He wants to move back in (we have 2 DCs) but will not accept booze has anything to do with anything apart from me wishing to control him. I'm sure you're not at an LTB stage, but if he doesn't want to change it will drive you insane. Be prepared to make changes to your life to make yourself and children happy and if that means being away from him if he won't accept this is poor then so be it.

You might find this book useful to read.

I disagree this is the norm, I know plenty of professionals who drink little or nothing.

I also disagree that this is the norm. A bottle of wine a night is excessive drinking by any definition.

FWIW I had a similar marriage. Met at uni where heavy drinking doesn't stick out. He was something of a negative character. Swapped uni drinking for 'drinks after work' (also a professional) and excessive home consumption. Graduated from wine to scotch. Resulted in nasty mood swings, emotionally abusive behaviour and he didn't even stop when banned from driving. Luckily we didn't have DCs because, if we had, I'd have felt unhappy leaving them with him ever.

Any attempts to cut down the drinking of someone else - especially someone who doesn't think it is a problem - are futile.

BTW... 'clear' blood tests on liver function are misleading. The liver functions remarkably well even when quite badly damaged. Then it just packs up completely without warning. I lost a good friend that way a few years ago.

Alcohol and depression go hand in hand, but that is not a good enough excuse to drink vast quantities.

Reading your post, yes your DH has a problem. He is using alcohol to cope instead of dealing with life/stress in a grown up manner. He is constantly telling you how stressed he is, and using this as a poor excuse to drink heavily. I was married to a man like this, you can sugarcoat it all you like, it was a deeply unhappy and distressing marriage. In a relationship each party is an independent adult who is responsible for him/herself, who enjoy each other's company and get on well. When alcohol is mixed into the equation, the person who drinks if having a deep emotional relationship with a bottle of wine and himself.

You cannot fix this. That is the other adult in the relationship's job. He needs to deal with his drinking and his stress. But you are not overreacting. You say he is not violent, however because of his drinking you often have big arguments. In my book what is the difference? He is abusive. What you need to do is take stock of where your boundaries are. What are you willing to accept and what not. If you don't know, then talk to a therapist or go to Al Anon meetings and figure it out. Don't underestimate the effects his behaviour (which is his choice) is having on you. If he is passing out each night, when do you get off childcare duties? What about the stress he may lose his job, you mention drinking and work as a 'success' in that the one has not affected the other - yet. But you have obviously thought about it. It was not really until I left my alcoholic relationship that I realised quite how very unhappy I had been in it and how much it had affected me, in the during stage I was just on auto-coping mode with no real thoughts or real feelings. I would never go back.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would be wise to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You cannot support someone like this because he does not want your help or support. You can help your own self though and I would recommend you start talking to Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

Also and I do not mean this unkindly, you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him. He is what is known as a functioning (well currently anyway) alcoholic. You are also playing a role here; you are enabling him. Also you are probably codependent; this is often seen in such relationships too. I would read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

How many people in your own social circle know about this, not many I daresay. I would start talking and opening up as alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

How old are your children?. They are also being affected here; alcoholism is a family disease. I am sorry but you cannot protect them fully from the consequences of his alcoholism. They pick up on all the vibes. They certainly see the glass in the recycling; you probably put out a full recycling bin every week. They may even see their dad conked out on the sofa. They see how unhappy you are and perhaps even blame themselves, they know to keep quiet when dad is home. They may well have heard him being verbally abusive towards you; sounds travels.

He is showing all the hallmarks of having a serious alcohol dependency issue. Would you call him yourself an alcoholic?. Alcoholics excuse, self medicate their problems with drink (he calls himself stressed) and deny they have a problem constantly. They lie to themselves as well as all those around them. He is lying to both himself and you now. I note too he is likely self medicating his own depressive thoughts with alcohol which is itself a depressant.

Blood tests can give a false sense of security; have you noticed a decline in his short term memory over the years?. My guess is that his short term memory is now no longer as good; that is also what excess alcohol consumption does to the brain.

I note he is still working, but for how long now?. Something is going to give and sooner than you perhaps think. Does he drive to work for instance?. Do you feel uneasy about getting in a car with him,

He now reminds you in some ways of your ex's father who was himself an alcoholic. That is because your H is the same.

What is the longest period of time to your knowledge that he has gone without drink?.

Who buys the alcohol?.

Look at actions as well, not just listen to his words. Words are cheap.

He has done nothing; that is because he does not see he has a problem at all with alcohol. He won't go to the GP further and may never do so either. In the meantime you simply cannot stand around there waiting for him to have an epiphany that may never happen. Supporting him is not an option because he does not want your help. He can only ultimately help his own self and you can do nothing to influence that.

He could go onto to lose everything and still drink afterwards.

He is NOT your responsibility (you likely feel very responsible for him hence my references to being co-dependent) when all is said and done, he is making a conscious choice to start drinking.

Do you know if his liver function tests included Gamma GT? This suggests it is not part of the standard panel. Gamma GT was the one that showed that I was drinking excessively.

I thought I needed alcohol to cope with sleep, anxiety, stress. I couldn't see how I could cope with my life without it. Now I discover that I am unbelievably less stressed and able to cope with my life (which does include a higher than average quantity of stress in that my DH is chronically ill and disabled). I sleep fine.

He's drinking about 70 units of alcohol a week. That you know of.

Nothing will work until he is ready to stop drinking. After that, you might be able to have a productive discussion about how to change environmental factors to make it easier for him to keep not-drinking. But nothing in the world will make any difference before that point.

He does have a problem and it's not going to be easily resolved is it?

Thanks for the book recommendations, will check them out.

Our DC are 4 and 1. So far I don't think they've been directly affected but I do really take on board what you say about the general atmosphere. I saw up vlose with my ex what having an alcoholic parent can do and I am determined that this will not happen to my DC. Realistically I know that this may mean making some very difficult choices at some point and that is a big part of why I am (perhaps naively) looking for a solution.

He always buys the alcohol. He always finds some excuse to call into the shop on the way home from work even if we've just had a weeks' shopping delivered.

I honestly can't remember the last time he had a day without a drink. He claims he went a fortnight around DC1s due date four years ago but I don't remember this. It's possibly true as I wasn't as concerned about/ focused on his drinking then but I'd be surprised. In any event I think it's worrying that he refers to a relatively brief period of abstinence in unusual circumstances so long ago as something of an achievement.

Not sure about the liver function tests. They weren't specifically to look for signs of alcohol abuse. Basically he won't see if he can be signed off with stress because of how it would look but he had a few vague minor symptoms and was hoping the GP would find something physical and therefore 'acceptable' to sign him off with. He didn't.

He does drive to work. This is something I worry about as he used to be super cautious about driving the next morning, and still won't after a 'big' night ie at the weekend but he won't acknowledge that the amount he drinks during the week could have an impact. A ban would be devastating in terms of his career ( and drink driving is something we are both strongly against or at least I thought we were)

Thank you so much for so many thoughtful replies and for sharing your experiences. Just sorry that so many of us have gone/are going through this

How worrying for you. The old cliche that he won't change unless he wants to and makes a real effort is true. If he is drinking so much that he is passing out then that is a serious problem.

"Our DC are 4 and 1. So far I don't think they've been directly affected but I do really take on board what you say about the general atmosphere. I saw up vlose with my ex what having an alcoholic parent can do and I am determined that this will not happen to my DC. Realistically I know that this may mean making some very difficult choices at some point and that is a big part of why I am (perhaps naively) looking for a solution".

Its already happening to your DC here because they see how you are with their Dad; they may be very young but the eldest one in particular is taking all this on board already. They are already learning about relationships from the two of you.

I think a solution therefore will not be forthcoming and I also think you will need to start making some very difficult decisions soon. He will find any excuse or any occasion to drink, after all his primary relationship is with this. Its certainly not with you or by turn his children; you all come well down the pecking order after alcohol. It is truly a cruel mistress.

You have a choice regarding this man, your children do not. Never forget that.

"He always buys the alcohol. He always finds some excuse to call into the shop on the way home from work even if we've just had a weeks' shopping delivered".

"I honestly can't remember the last time he had a day without a drink. He claims he went a fortnight around DC1s due date four years ago but I don't remember this. It's possibly true as I wasn't as concerned about/ focused on his drinking then but I'd be surprised. In any event I think it's worrying that he refers to a relatively brief period of abstinence in unusual circumstances so long ago as something of an achievement".

All the above point to your H having a serious drink problem and he could still be over the limit whilst driving the next day. He then puts other people out there at risk. He probably does not think he will ever get caught by the police or have a car accident.

What would it take for you to actually leave this man?.

Apart from him turning violent/ceasing to function in an anywhere near normal fashion? I'm honestly not sure. Thing is I know I can"t wait until it actually gets thst bad but how far down the slippy slope can he get before the point of no return? Atm, everything seems fine, normal even during the day and although I am beginning to accept that's it's not really fine at all this does give me hope that there may be a way back.

The other fact I am painfully aware of is that my ex's mum had (entirely understandably) left his dad years before we met. Still didn't stop him being completely messed up due to the way his dad was

Slippery slopes are just that, unfortunately. By the time you're on one, the only way is down. I have been exactly where you are and the problem is that the drinking is currently manageable. He's holding down a job, functioning reasonably normally and you're wondering if you're making a big deal out of nothing. Indeed, when you challenge his behaviour, that's the response you're getting. You've got time and emotion invested in him, you have a child together etc. so you're wondering if you're rocking the boat unnecessarily, because he's a nice enough bloke the rest of the time and he's not one of these 'bottle of vodka a day' guys.

You have to set it out to him just how seriously you object to the booze. 'More in sorrow than in anger' IYKWIM.... 'I'm worried about the amount you're drinking. I want you to get help or stop. If you do neither it will call into doubt the future in our relationship'. But you'd have to mean it.

That is exactly it. Although the current situation is far from ideal in many ways, I know it could be so much worse so I don't really tackle it for fear of overreacting. Whereas in actual fact if nothing changes it will become that bad.

We need to have that conversation.