What should I say? (sensitive subject).

[CailinDana]

A friend of mine is pregnant with her second child. She lost her first child shortly before I met her, in tragic circumstances. We talked about him a fair bit and I made sure to mention his birthday. I moved two years ago and since then we have kept in sporadic contact mainly through fb (so we're not close).
I want to email her congratulating her on her pregnancy. Would it be appropriate to mention her DS?

Oh and if so what would be the best way to do it?

I personally would not, but would emphasise how overjoyed or truly/heartfelt delighted you were to hear of the second pregnancy. Or use some word that is a bit more demonstrative than normal for you. By being specially emphatic, you can put it in the context of the previous very sad loss without actually referring directly to it, if you see what I mean.

Hopefully she should be able to appreciate you are showing awareness of the circumstances without actually directly bringing it up, I imagine her first child is very much on her mind at the moment and it might hurt.

There a a danger that by mentioning the first baby this one could be seen as a sort of replacement

Be very enthusiastic about this one for it's own sake IYSWIM

Thing is Meerka, I know her family were useless around his death and she always appreciated my willingness to talk about him. I wonder if anybody has mentioned him and how much it must hurt if they haven't. She's not with her DS's dad any more so she doesn't even have that outlet.

I would continue to talk about him, but not in direct relation to new baby

Unless she cues you up, of course

Lovely friend, you sound

I was thinking of saying something along the lines of "congratulations on the impending new baby. I know the loss of DS must be making this time bittersweet for you. I hope you have lots of support and that everything goes eeally well." How does that sound?

How religious/spiritual is she? Might she appreciate a reference to baby's big brother watching over him/her with a smile?

A friend of mine in similar circumstances (lost DS1, live DS2, pg with DC3) refers to DS1 "currently touring heaven" which I have always found a beautiful description.

No not religious. I am loth to mention him watching over because while it's lovely it might grate if she doesn't believe it.

Horatia do you have any insight into how your friend felt about DS1 being mentioned while she was pg with her other children?

actually your wording sounds really good to me, specially if you know she appreciates that you have been willing to talk about her first baby.

Yy to your wording. I heard someone in similar circumstances say "I've lost my son; nothing anyone else says can make it worse". I've always preferred to go the acknowledgement route rather than cross the road and avoid route iykwim.

I didn't know her until after her DS2 was born so I don't know precisely how she dealt with it at the time. I know she is very forthright about DS2 not being her "first" and I know she has been very anxious at all stages of this pgy.

If she isn't religious then yes I think my previous suggestion would be inappropriate.

I read this article earlier about how to talk to a parent that has lost a child.

As someone who has lost a son I agree with the article in that I would want people to acknowledge my son existed. And OP in my opinion your wording demonstrates your thoughtfulness.

Thank you drowning. I'm so sorry to hear you lost your son. How are you doing?