Send a card to the inlaws at christmas or not??

[BetterNotBitter]

Were very excited for the festive season with out 2yr old! He didn't understand last year so this kind of feels like his first christmas.

But. That aside.

We went no contact with my husbands parents fairly early in the year, they haven't seen us or our LO since. It was a last resort decision and I won't bore you all with the details of why etc but very basically, my MIL has always been exceptionally controlling over her sons, I stupidly didn't listen to my husband when our baby was due and wouldn't let him 'lay the law down' with her about how we wanted to do things once the baby came. I always made him say things gently to try & keep the peace. It came back to bite us in a huge way and she basically made our lives a total misery. So after much stress and upset we told them enough was enough, his parents response was 'we're your parents and you'll do as we say.....he's almost 30, good job, owns a house, not reliant on them in any way....and so we told them we a anted to stop contact. They seem to have accepted this quite well (partly, I suspect because their mentality is 'our way or no way' and they know we won't give in yo 'their way' and don't want to compromise). At first my husband had the I'd text but nothing for months now.

The dilemma is this. Do we send a christmas card????

Neither of us hate his parents and it's not like they were abusive or neglectful to my husband or anything. Until LO we had an ok-ish relationship with them. We haven't and won't rule out the possibility of one day having contact with them again, of they want to at the time. But for the next few years were sure we don't want to see or have anything to do with them. Yet it still feels really harsh not to acknowledge them with a card at christmas.

What's making us unsure is a) will they think it means we want to see them, start things back up? Leading to more upset (I'm also really worried it might make them just turn up here & cause a scene over christmas) or b) will it achieve nothing other than to upset them? If they're trying to move on, enjoy their christmas and we go and send a card will this only ruin their christmas? Or will it be worse to think we haven't considered them at all???

What do you all think?

No. Absolutely not. No way.

Don't send the card.

Yes, they will see it as either a) the opportunity to get in touch with you or b) some sort of apology.

Move on from them, and rebuild your lives with your lovely son.

Absolutely not. Why would you?

What does your husband think? They are his parents after all, and by the sound of it he had their measure a long time ago. (Not that you were wrong to try doing things the nice way - but they did not respond well to it, which is their failure not yours.) Personally I don't see anything wrong in theory with a polite card wishing them a happy Christmas, but I don't know the people and sometimes it can be a minefield, as you recognise.

No way - leave well alone

Cross-posted with everyone else saying don't, and they're probably right

Send one from Janet and Roy

I think i would probably send one from LO...

Surely you're either NC or you're not. If I were them I would definitely take it as an olive branch. I would think you were tentatively taking steps to get back in touch. And you having taken the first step, the ball is then in their court, so of course it could lead to them coming to you.

Absolutely no, no and no again to sending any card, this could and will give them a way back in to control you all again.

No contact is no contact. That boundary has to be maintained.

Re this part of your comment:-
"Neither of us hate his parents and it's not like they were abusive or neglectful to my husband or anything"

They tried to bend your H's will to suit them. Their behaviours towards his siblings from what you wrote of it was abusive (controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour) and these people do not change. Such people as well make for being bloody awful as grandparents as well; your child would not benefit from having such people in his life and this young person is better off without them.

You come from a family which is emotionally healthy and balanced; that is not anything like his parents family. Your only error if I can call it that was to not listen to your H; he had the measure of his parents years and knew all too well what they were like. It was a decision that returned to bite you on the bum big time.

Inherently dysfunctional people like his parents usually show their true natures when the couple goes onto have children of their own; as is the case here.

They do not care that you have supposedly upset them, I used supposedly because you have not upset them in the usual sense. Do not ever forget you have dealt with people who do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. These people as well do not and never do play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations; that rule book goes out the window. They are annoyed because they have not got their own way with regards to their son who dared to stand up for himself.

I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward as it could help you.

I think getting one from the LO would be doubly upsetting and poignant.

For goodness sake it's only a Christmas card, they are his parents, send it.

If you want to be back in contact with them, then send them a card.
And if you don't want contact, don't send them a card.

But 'no contact, here's a card' doesn't make sense.

Having gone NC with my own mother, I would say "no".

They'll interpret it as:

a) an olive branch
b) an admission of being in the wrong in the first place
c) an invitation to get in touch.

You don't want any of those.

Seriously, don't do it.

The expression "let sleeping dogs lie" would be appropriate here.

I take holdthepage's point that it's only a xmas card but even so ... No. Don't do it.

It will not be seen as just a Christmas card to your ILs, they will likely see it as a way back in. Also these people have never apologised nor accepted any responsibility for their actions.

Indeed let sleeping dogs lie.

Absolutely not.

The person who gives in is the person in the wrong, every time. I learned this from my ILs. When we had an issue we contacted them to say that it was blown out of proportion lets just draw a line and move on. His mother said that it was about time we accepted we were wrong and should have apologised sooner.

We hadnt actually apologised, but she took it that we were admitting fault. There was fault on both sides but she would chew her own arm off before saying sorry!

So we havent seen or spoken to them since, which was 4 years ago.