Will I ever get my sex drive back?

[PleaseAdviseMe]

I have a 3 year old and nine month baby, and work part time. At the moment my libido seems to be pretty much at zero, and I am wondering if I will ever feel sexy again. The main contributory factors I think are:

• feeling tired all the time; by the time meals, bedtimes and housework are done I just want to flop and go to bed
• breastfeeding (I want to go until the baby is a year) and expressing just make me feel like I am always in 'mum mode' iyswim
• tensions in my relationship with DH; he got quite nasty when he drank, I got advice on here under another name and he has now stopped drinking, it's been six months and loads better since then. However I feel some resentment about past incidents, and then I feel guilty about that as he has made a major change
• just feeling under pressure because I know he isn't happy with our lack of sex life

I did get a bit of a return of my sex drive after DC1 but not like it was before. Has anyone else lost the urge after babies, and can encourage me that it does get better?

It's not your sex-drive really is it? You've got other priorities, you're knackered and your DH is still a nasty piece of work despite his recent conversion .... that you feel under pressure says it all. I find my sex-drive is lousy when I'm with the wrong bloke too...

I read the start if your post OP and was going to respond reassuringly. DH and I were lucky if we got down to it together monthly after DD was born, you are tired, achey, sore breasts, and parenthood changes everything. That did improve over time (especially after breastfeeding finished).

But then I got to the last points, and I think this is the big issue for you. What do you mean by "nasty"? I would struggle ever to feel sexy with someone who was violent or abusive, or pressured me into sex when I didn't want it, and it's hardly surprising if you feel like that. Do you believe that he will stick with keeping off the booze? I also don't think you should feel guilty about resenting past behaviour; how much credit should he get for just not being nasty?

I wonder where what you want and need is in any of this.

By nasty I mean that he said unpleasant things and called me names, he was never drunk in front of DCs. It was bad but when I gave him an ultimatum he chose to stop drinking. Yes kitty I do believe he will stick with it, he has health issues too and he does realise he needed to change.

I don't mean he pressures me in any forced way, just that he would like sex more (well, at all tbh). I do go along with it when he initiates it but just don't feel a spark from inside me. I do care about him and yes I am knackered and have the DCs but shouldn't a happy marriage be in the priorities?

Not if a happy marriage means keeping him happy at the expense of your own happiness. To give him an ultimatum you must have been at the end of your tether. Maybe you've had six months to observe this new non-drinking him and you've simply realised you don't like him very much. You wouldn't be the first one to do that and it's really no crime.

I think you just need time. Does your husband want to make things work? Will he take on more household and chilcare duties to give you more rest?

What can YOU do to make yourself feel better? Get some exercise, see friends once a week, new skincare regime etc? These types of things will all make you feel better in yourself.

Can you spare two hours a week together when children are asleep just to cuddle and watch tvwith a box of chocs?

Lasly, i know this isnt everyones thing, but if you do still love your husband, would you consider offering him regular hand jobs or whatever so that he is reassured and you feel less pressured? I would (and have) do this when libido low due to small children and flagging relationship.

I don't know Cogito it's not quite that I don't like him, more that lots of little things like him zoning out when I'm talking or not noticing when I've made an effort with the dinner irritate me. I do think like Kitty said he feels he should get credit for stopping drinking and being nasty to me. Yes he should because it wasn't easy for him to do but then the mean part of me thinks well that's just what every partner should do. I wish I could move on in my head and enjoy the new him a bit more.

Thank you sun that post makes me feel a bit more normal! Yes he does want to make it better and he's good with childcare and getting better at housework after we talked recently. I also do exactly what you suggest re sex recently and it has helped, he feels more wanted. Part of our problem is we have no family or anyone to help with DCs so we don't go out together or hardly ever, and it feels like everything is about DCs and we take a back seat. I like the idea of a sort of staying in date night though, I will try that out.

This problem is multi-factorial, but the hormones needed for breastfeeding often kill libido and it comes back when bf stops. Maybe reassess in 6 months.

Our sex life suffered with the birth and growing up of kids.
You do have other priorities.
Don't worry about it, please. Things will return to normal (as long as past issues have really been dealt with)

'At home Date Nights' can be fun but let him do the cooking, time to break out the Jamie Oliver books or some research on the internet.

We used to do this and even went so far as dressing the part too, If anyone had spied through our front window they would have wondered waht was going on seeing us dressed smart, lol

For some, that's all it is for a while. Having children is tiring and your priorities do change but your love never does and you will get that feeling back.

Thank you that is reassuring. The problems are in the process of getting dealt with and we are moving forward. I am not discounting anything Cogito says, you were one of the people who advised me so well under another name that we are still together and he has stopped drinking. I will give it time, my DH keeps saying I just need to relax more so it's interesting that a couple of people here say that too!

Relax by all means but stay in touch with your feelings. When under great stress (which you were before he stopped drinking) it's easy to think 'phew!' once it stops and just expect everything to return to normal. But life's rarely that simple. Once you've seen someone's alter ego and decided you don't like it, you can't just forget all about it. Like finding out about an affair or some other unpleasant aspect to their personality, it colours your view of them going forward. If you've given it six months and you don't like this man enough to sleep with him, that might be as good as it ever gets. Once you've lived with a shit, it leaves a bad smell.

I simply want you to understand that this is not about 'your libido'... which suggests there's something wrong with your biology. There isn't.