WWYD Re: Ex At Xmas?

[DianaOfThemyscira]

Hi, I am just wondering what the "done thing" is.
I have 3 children aged 5 - 12 with two exp's.
Up til now I have allowed my exes into my home to watch the children open their presents.
Dad to eldest 2 has just about fuck all to do with them, he comes, sits for 30 mins, does not interact in any way whatsoever, then disappears for another year

Dad to my 5yo is involved in his life and has him overnight twice a week.
Since we split, he has been welcomed into my home, I have invited him on trips out for the day, and he has been on holiday with us numerous times.
However, he is FUCKING hard work when he doesn't get complete control over me his own way.

In the last two weeks he has tried to fuck me about/gas light/bully me and just be an all round fucking PAIN IN THE ARSE on four occasions:

1. ExP and I agreed on each taking two days' leave for half term. He was taking Mon and Tue.
   He then asked me if he could take DS away Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue, which clashed with two Halloween parties DS very much wanted to attend, so I explained. He told me he was cancelling his leave - why should HE use all HIS leave just let ME save MY leave? In the end, he didn't cancel his leave, but didn't actually let me know.

2. ExP and I had agreed to take DS out with 4 school friends and my sister's boys on his birthday. 5 days before it, ExP then said that as the arrangements fell on 'HIS' day, I had to cancel and do it on 'MY' day.
   He then refused to answer the phone or google hang out to me so that I could wish DS goodnight on his birthday eve, but text me to tell me that HE never gets to speak to DS when he's with me, so why should I be allowed to speak to DS when he's with ExP?
   He then told me DS was asleep, 30 mins before bedtime

3. He didn't turn up to collect DS from DMs (she collects DS one day a week whilst I work late) to take him to his activity. When I got there, I rushed to take DS to his activity to find it had been cancelled. ExP knew, but didn't tell us.

4. He's bullied me about Xmas, demanded he take DS from 20th - 26th. I asked if he was going to invite me and DCs to his house to watch DS open his gifts, and share Xmas dinner with them (as I have done with him for every year we have been split).
   He suddenly changed his mind and demanded DS 26th - 30th Dec

oh, I've remembered a number

5. I asked him to pay for school lunches (he doesn't pay any maintenence for DS) at £11 a week, as DCs like a hot lunch during colder months. He kicked off and said it was because I was too lazy to make a packed lunch, so I could pay it. I've no idea yet if he has paid it, or I am accruing debt daily.

So, this is just the LAST TWO WEEKS worth of shit he's sending my way.
Sorry for going on....almost to the point.He is also holding DS's main gift hostage - for the first time in DS's life, ExP has purchased the main present, but he has said he is keeping it at HIS house, and the way things are going, I'm not even sure he will allow me to have it here for DS to open Christmas morning FROM FATHER CHRISTMAS!!!!

He claims I "keep his son from him in exchange for free money" (I receive tax credit and child benefit)
And he's now just text me saying I have to drop DS off now rather than him coming to collect him.

The last thing I want is him in my home Christmas morning, but I know this will cause further trouble.
AND he refuses to be in my house at the same time as older DCs Dad, I have to ring him when Dad#1 has gone. Oh, the shame....
So....WWYD?

Get legal advice

And go to csa

What a nightmare! I have 3 kids and 2 exes so I have some idea of the challenges ...you need to set up some clear boundaries particularly with the controlling one... I don't mix with my ex at all - the kids have their time at their dads and their time here... We buy seperate presents.. Celebrate birthdays seperately... We do communicate so it's fairly amicable - on the plus side you have your life and they have theirs - downside is you do need to accept that every other year the kids will be with their dad at Xmas and not see you. I'm happy with that - it's hard but the benefits outweigh having my ex in my life. Don't argue with him about money - just go to the CSA and let them deal with it. Lower your expectations to zero with regards to holiday ChildCare and being able to rely on them for anything and then your stress levels decrease as you are in control. Bear in mind that this Xmas you might need to go with the flow but you can get things sorted for next year.
What is it with the 2 of them acting like children?!!! Oh and make sure you do your own Xmas sticking with some lovely bits in - you will deserve it after putting up with those exes!

Stocking !

Thanks fourby it took me a while, but I eventually realised you meant stocking: great idea :)

Yes, I think you are right, I am going to have to completely go NC with this awful man. I have been so determined to involve him in DS's life, and all I get is shit.

Despite having him in my home on weekends, inviting him on days out, Christmas, taking him on holidays etc, he insists to anyone who will listen that I am the devil incarnate who has stolen his son from him and stopped him having a relationship with him, and that I'M the controlling one.

I have found it really difficult having him take my son from me and leave me out, when I have done everything I can to include ExP in DS's (and older DCs) life.
Last year he had a birthday party for DS and didn't invite me and DCs to it. He brought us a slice of cake though.

Quick rant/update

Well, knobhead has confirmed it, he sent me a text today asking to have ds to sleep at his on xmas night, so that ds can wake up boxing day at his house and give him his presents.

DS is 5!!! Father Christmas brings the presents, not parents!

What's his bloody story gonna be, giving DS TWO xmas days?
So this also means that I need to buy DS his "main" present to open on Christmas morning now, as EXP is holding it at his house for him to open there.

Well, that's me taught a lesson. This is the FIRST year exp has EVER bought the "main" present and we have consulted on gifts. Usually its all left to me, and everything has been fine. That's what you get for trying to share arenting with such a toxic arsehole.

And breathe.....

Stop trying to be so flexible. Father Christmas knows that DS has 2 houses & will make arrangements :)

Stop opening your house to him.

Arrange some kind of access with him, alternate years on birthdays & Christmas is what I do & then he has my boys every 3rd weekend. If he tries to switch weekends & you don't want to, then don't. If he doesn't keep to the plan then tell him a contact centre will be involved. Its a bugger not having my boys every single Christmas but it has to be fair when they are young. So one year I have them for Christmas but he has them for birthdays, then we swap. All birthday & Christmas presents are kept separate.

Go to the CSA about money so you don't have to discuss it with him.

Diana, I could have written your earlier posts. .

This might sound harsh but you can't have the best of both worlds, especially at this time of year.

He bullies and controls you so absolutely do not have him in your home and I don't undertstand why you would want to be in his home either.. Go to CSA and seek legal advice regarding regular contact.

The absolute best scenario here is that ds DOES get 2 Christmas days.

He gets to spend time with both of you, enjoy presents from Santa at 2 houses and means you do not have to put up with someone you don't like in your home.

I've been in your shoes, I do know how it feels.

I have been bullied and controlled by him for years.

I'm not the only one he does it to, he's AWFUL to his family on and off, yet they still choose to believe I'm this terrible person who does everything in her power to stop him having a relationship with DS, when actually, the complete opposite is true: I have laid down and let him walk all over me, and, I am sorry and ashamed to say, my older DCs, who he now refuses to name, he calls them "your other two children", despite being a the "adult" male in their lives for 8 years.

He kicks off at my door all the time, he tried punching my car window in (me and DCs were in the car)
I dread to think the poison he drips to my gorgeous little boy. It really does overflow out of him.

Yes, I have to stop being a mug, and stop having him in my and older DCs lives. That seems to be a choice he has made now, so I don't need to be the one to stop it, I just need to be the one to keep it that way, and not have him worm his way in AGAIN.

He insists I provide things for DS so he doesn't have to put his hand in his pocket, because he earns his money, whilst I "get money for free by raising fatherless kids, shame on [me]"

He has been able to advance his career AND have his family life due to me allowing him in whenever he felt like it, and me working part time around school hours to bring up his son.
I'd fucking LOVE to retrain and get my career on path, but I could never be a nurse and work shifts on my own with 3DCs.

Thanks for the advice, I am just writing my thoughts out to keep me focussed, he is a fucking LEGEND at Gaslighting, and has always had the power to make me doubt myself and my motives.
Hence me never getting maintenence off him - to "disprove" his allegation that I "entrapped him [despite us agreeing to TTC] and only had DS in order to procure more free money from his salary"

I understand your frustration OP. Been there and done it with Ex P.

Seriously though, stop being so flexible and reasonable with an inflexible and unreasonable person.

The arguments and messing around with my ex only stopped when I disengaged from trying to to talk him and making plans.

If he wants to do present opening boxing day let him carry on. Make your own plans and not rely on him to make your sons Xmas special. You can do that on your own.

Stick to regular contact days/nights. Don't compromise on your plans and arrange childcare yourself (if you can) during school holidays. Stand firm and don't listen to his crap about how selfish you are as a mother. You know its just him being a twat.

I had to do this. At first I was just like you, I ended up a wreck everytime I had to see or speak to him. He drove me round the bend!

A few years later, we get on better than we ever did and now I'm much more flexible with contact arrangements.

It's because he knows I won't put up with his crap anymore.

Blimey, please go to the CSA and get maintenance from this loser of a man. No more you dropping your ds off that his responsibility to collect him etc. time for strong boundaries.

"No" is a complete sentence.

Do not rely on this man for anything, ensure that you have all the childcare in place that you need to he stops having any leverage over you.

Why haven't you gone to the csa? Go !

You really need to stop being so agreeable with him. Stop interacting with him.

Go to CSA and get maintenance. He's been playing you, and you are bending over backwards to 'prove' that you aren't after his money. Sod that, he is obliged to provide for his child.

Small point, re Father Christmas, doesn't Father Christmas just bring the stocking, and then everyone else gives presents? Why would ALL the presents be from FC?

FC brings the main present and fills the stocking in our house.

Parents buy the rest, but there's never a "look, this is what MUMMY bought you" moment, all the gifts are piled up together.

And the new year will bring a big fat fucking shock to this malignant arsewipe of a manchild re CSA. Then I'll pay for the school dinners and main Christmas present out of that!

A minor point, but I hope exP hasn't demanded a contribution from you for this 'main' present that's going to be opened at his place on Boxing Day without you there? Seems to me that it's a present from him - so you get on and plan your Xmas day with DS, just the way you want it. Ex isn't involved - his day is the next day. Worked fine for me for years - children are remarkably unbothered about santa's logistics, as long as presents arrive! And presents on 2 days - double good! (Santa is a fiction, remember - you can construct your own narrative! )

Yep, gonna have to be a complete and final end to the shared parenting, and get used to it on my own. It won't make any difference to me, except (hopefully) peace of mind.