Baby chores/housework and dh

[Brandnewmamma]

I worry I am turning into a Naggy wife. I am home all day. Husband gets in to hot dinner at six. I have dinner and last night I went grocery shopping. I asked him to sort the clothes.. All dry but when I got home he had taken his boxers and tshirts and the rest were left on the landing. I got home, put on the fresh linen.

He did help put away a bit of the shopping.

I do all ironing etc.. But I am stopping the ironing for him.

I honestly don't know what is fair. I am off work but baby has to be nursed all day and mil rang yesterday and doesn't drive so I called to her so there wasnt that much time left in the say.

When I go back to work I will have to do everything!! I don't want a cleaner in so do I jus suck it up. He does the night feeds, changes the bin and some nights sterilises bottles.. Is that enough?

Does the night feeds at weekends but nothing in the day at weekends really

I can't claim to be an expert as I am still finding my way with this, but after DC1 we just kind of muddled along and it was all a bit unsatisfactory but having recently had DC2 I have been far more proactive about getting DH on board and so far so good.

You need to explain that you have to work as a team and tell him what he needs to do (or elicit it from him). My DH gets annoyed when he thinks I am just nagging generally but we are now communicating a lot more about what needs to be done, who will do it etc. I feel like we are being much more efficient and productive.

If he gets home at 6, he has a good 4 or 5 hours before bed, he can use some of that time to help with housework etc. Life is bound to change when you have a baby, I think some men just need it to be spelt out and communication is key.

You need a family meeting. Say you think the balance is wrong and see what solutions you (plural) can come up with. Draw up a list of all the chores and agree between you who will do what, how/if it will change when you go back to work and what reminders are in place to make sure it happens. Review this regularly.

Get a cleaner btw. I've been a lone parent of one for 13 years, I work and, even though I couldn't afford it on occasions, I've had a weekly cleaner for as long as I can remember. Easier for us to keep the place tidy between visits and fewer arguments.

Cog, I hardly ever disagree with you but I feel drawing up a list is a little like treating the OPs DH as a child.
I'm not entirely sure this will go down well :(

TBH Brandnewmama, it's hard to define what is fair.
Sit down on evening when baby is asleep and have an honest talk about how you feel you are doing everything and you are finding it hard.
Say something like;
"I'm really struggling to keep up with everything honey, could you do some of the chores for me, it would really help"
I get the 'nagging wife' thing and your right you don't want to turn into one.

TBH, I'm not sure, regardless of how many hours there are in a day, that any of us (Husbands or Wives) can do enough. It's a tough time with a new baby and it's 'all hands to the pump' in my opinion but sometimes little things that get left undone need to be forgotten about.
Is baby happy, fed, watered, clean, warm enough? These are the things that are important.

IME, I don't think I ever did enough.
I would come home like your DH to a hot dinner but then when we had finished DW would leave me with baby to play, cuddle, feed, change while she cleared up after dinner.
I would do a Midnight - 01:00 am feed, but only because I was up.
I'd help out at weekends with the rest of the chores if they needed doing but DW seemed to have most thing covered.

'Drawing up a list' is something they do between them. I was at pains to avoid the suggestion that the OP is responsible for fixing this single-handed. Calling her DH 'honey' OTOH and that wheedling help request you describe is not only pathetic but is treating him like a child.

Running a house is a team effort. The roles have to be shared out equally, people assigned tasks that fit with their strengths, extra help recruited if necessary.

It's not about him doing the chores for her. These are chores that need to be done for everyone, what they need is an organised way of splitting them up.

I agree to sit down and talk OP. Don't wait until something needs to be done and then debate about who should do it, be proactive and try to sort out a fair split in advance. So if he does night feedings and lets you sleep, then he can lie in longer. You can sort out the online shop (seriously, do the shopping online!) but have it delivered when he's home so he can help put it away. You cook dinner, he does the dishes. You do the laundry but he irons his own clothes.

I think it's fair if you're home during the day that you do more, but don't fall into the trap of thinking it's ALL your responsibility. It's still both of yours responsibility, you are just going to do more of it.

If I ever sat down with DH and asked him in that needy woman way 'i'm really struggling Honey can you help by doing x,y,z he would think I had been body snatched. If a man or woman comes home to a hot dinner then the least they can do is clean the kitchen afterwards so the other person doesn't have to add this chore to their list. If you cook, then the other person washes up. We've always had this rule even before the kids

My DH mostly takes care of laundry, does the bedtime routine with the kids, takes and picks up kids from the child-minder, cleans the kitchen each night and is the major earner to boot. We do most things on a 50/50 basis. Sometimes it might be 70/30 if one of us is particularly tired but it all evens out so the mundane household jobs don't all fall to the same person

You see he does change bins etc, but what annoyed me was he took his couple of things out of the washing. Left everything on the floor.

I am stopping the ironing. But not going to nag, I am happy to go shopping as it is an hour to myself and I sometimes treat myself to something like magazine or browse in the clothes section. It breaks up the week.

You can replace the word honey for anything you like lol

Did he say why he didn't sort the washing?

BTW I'm a SAHM to a toddler and baby and my dh: cooks every evening and often cleans up afterwards, does his own laundry (I don't go near his clothes) often bathes the children and cleans the bathroom while they soak, puts toddler to bed, hoovers when needed, does all the gardening, takes care of the bins and does other bits and bobs as they arise. I do all night wakings with baby as she is bf and cosleeps with me, dh gets up with toddler. That is fair IMO.

"I get the 'nagging wife' thing and your right you don't want to turn into one."

Yeah, because a nagging wife is a pretty good indicator that there is a lazy shite of a husband somewhere taking the piss.

So don't fall into the trap of thinking he gets to shut you down by calling you a nag.

Grabbing his own stuff out of the washing pile and leaving the rest all over the floor was worthy of a 13 year old in a strop.

Your maternity leave is for looking after your baby, not skivvying around after a grown man who should be well able to look after himself.

Oh and I agree with playfellows. Any man who uses the word "nag" has no respect for women. The word "nag" is only ever used for a woman to imply that her concerns are meaningless and annoying and should be ignored.

Oh god yes, a nag is a man's way of deflecting from the truth which is he is a lazy ass or is not giving the woman what she needs.

He's not supporting you and he's not taking on his father and husband role in the manner he should be, simple, you know it or you wouldn't be on here.

I have to say I got somewhat stuck on the bit that he does the night feeds. When DS was still waking in the night, what I wouldn't have done to skip the night feeds.

If he is working during the day and doing that, tbh it sounds like quite a lot (dependant on how often your baby wakes !)

The laundry bit is just plain disrespectful though- definitely call him out on it. Either he should have done none of it or all of it.

Rookie - he does night feeds at the weekend.

My dh did half the night feeds every singlr night for ds. He did the same for dd until she decided only boob would do. Becoming a mother doesn't mean you can suddenly do without sleep.

Ah apologies - should have read second post.

CailinDana - I certainly agree that being a mother doesn't mean you can do without sleep, DH did half the night feeds too, and I got loads of comments from older generation about how good and helpfulhe was .

"I thought you were going to sort the washing?"

"I did, I put my stuff away"

"oh. Ok"

next day

"What are we having for dinner?"

"I have had it. I had pasta"

"Eh? What about me?"

"Sorry, are we not just looking after ourselves now?"

Two days tops before he caves.

If he only does the night feeds at weekends, then I don't think that's a lot. And I admire you for cooking every night. When I was on mat leave and bfing beans on toast was a feast! Me and DH were both too tired to cook and mainly scavenged from cupboards and the biscuit tin. DH, by the way, did all ironing, hoovering and a lot of the washing (including putting it away). I went out to do grocery shopping because, like you, I actually liked getting the break from the house and baby (would go in the evenings after bedtime) but otherwise I just got on with caring for DS and did very little else around the house.

I would pack in doing the washing and ironing for him full stop - in fact given that you're not going out to work at the moment I don't see the need to iron at all. I am firmly of the opinion that no baby garments need ironing. I'd also scale back the cooking. Can't see why he couldn't make beans on toast or pasta a couple of nights a week at the very least.

Loving Bogeyface's approach to the washing issue btw

Thank you.well I was out visiting family and got home to find he had got out of work early today. Had made himself a bit of fruit salad and chatted to a friend.

I then cooked dinner and washed up. Did ironing. It came to a bit if a head.

I told him to clean the kitchen after dinner. Am pissed off though.
He has never said I am a nag though, I just felt like one.

Didn't iron his stuff. I will leave his clothes in the drier anymore until he sees how much I do. It's all mind stuff but annoying.

2 things

Firstly I then cooked dinner and washed up. Did ironing. This should read "I then went batshit crazy and yelled my head off. Ordered pizza for one"

Secondly. Dont ask, expect. Dont tell him to clean the kitchen, expect him to. "I am so knackered. Dont forget to do all of the washing up this time! Night night :)"

Tomorrow say this...

"you seem to think that looking after the baby leaves me time to be a full time housekeeper and cleaner. You are wrong. From now on I will do the food shopping and cooking, I will fit in whatever cleaning I can. That leaves the washing up, the laundry, the ironing and the general housework to be done, do you want to share it out at the weekend or contract it out?"

FWIW, if you dont do the above you will find yourself with 2 or more children, working full time, doing all the housework, cooking etc and hating his guts.

If you love him and want your marriage to last the distance then this tough love!

sorry, then this tough love will make sure that it will!

Spot on, Bogeyface.

OP: It has been said that the most arousing sight in the world is a man on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor*. Tell him this. A not-so-subtle hint about the future.

*Not for me, obvs. I'm all about the rubber chickens.