Why do they promise the world when you finally begin divorcing them?

[FennCara]

He is crawling back to me, and I really need strength right now.

I'm in the process of divorcing H, who left for another woman during my pregnancy and is a twat in many varied and glorious ways.

Except now, now he's being everything I wanted him to be when we were married. Devoted, supportive, attentive, helpful, generous... interdispersed with calling me every name under the sun because he's so "angry that we aren't together". He woud do ANYTHING to change the past, he just HATES himself, he's so SO sorry.

Can a sensible person explain why this happens? He genuinely can't see that he is still a wanker. If he was that sorry he'd leave me alone. If it was genuine love then he wouldn't fuck with my head. I know I don't want him back, I just find myself weakening (in my head, never to him) when he starts with the happy ever after shite.

Kick me into touch, please?

its called the hoover manoeuvre

abusesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2006/05/hoover-how-to-recognize-it-and-move.html

Good link. All too familiar.

I will tell you a story about fields.

People ask me what fields do you own? I point to them: You see those lovely lush fields over there beyond the valley. I don't own them. And you see those effervescent green fields to the west. No, I don't own them neither, nor those of the East or the North, bright and vibrant as they are.

All these tardy fields in the middle: they are mine. That's my lot, that's my farm, that's my future.

He loved my land from a distance, and over time he came closer and closer. Now he's on my land, all he can see in the distance is the lush, the brilliance, the beauty of the neighbouring farms.

My fields aren't okay anymore.

Now he is a God needing a field to grow his progeny so he needs to check out the other fields. He wanders north, south, west and east of my land to find the best field.

He climbs the dale, the valley, the swamp and the highway. He traverses whatever needs traversing - he considers himself heroic for that.

No matter where he goes, he looks back at my fields to ensure that he's making the best possible choice. His journey to spawn has become an expedition. It's all rather exciting.

Now he stands in someone else's field which is the best he ever saw. But after a while, he looks up and sees that my fields have a slightly better shade of green. Maybe I have improved them? Maybe I have put a lot of effort in to make those fields worthy of him? But to be sure, he travels on. The further afield he goes, the more lush my fields become.

Moral of the story: Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

In the meantime I got real. So I told him to fuck off and buy his own farm.

It's all about control and possession. Nothing to do with love, I'm afraid. You're going to have to stop engaging in conversation with him and cut off the oxygen supply to this rubbish. No contact except for absolute necessities and then preferably only via e-mail. Are you separated?

I like the fields analogy terrortree. Pretty accurate I think.

Yes fields.

He also is a type to behave in certain ways to cheat, lie. aGaslight, deny reality, scapegoat you to maintain an affair. You deserve better.

I like fields anology, I might stick it on my fridge.

Yes we're very seperated. I filter through the messages & respond to stuff regarding the children. Doesn't stop the relentless amount. He buys ridiculous, expensive presents which I don't allow him to bring in. He even leaves flowers on my doorstep, like somebody has died! And I've had the obligatory suicide threats late at night.

I didn't respond to any of it. Will this just go on until he finds someone else?

He sounds like a prick to me....if you do the crime you have to be willing to serve the time.

Clearly he isn't willing!

terrortree i might frame that and hang in MY new kitchen. as I get MY keys to MY new house.
I got a new farm

He even leaves flowers on my doorstep, like somebody has died!

Somebody has died: The woman who put up with his shit.

Have you split and settled your finances?

Waiting for the financial consent order, then we can finally split the money.

Phalenopsis

Congrats killpeppa It will feel rather peachy in your new place.

well done also Fenn

it shall feel peachy.
i may not own a bed yet but the sofa shall feel glorious (roll on pay day!)

You know you could take legal advice on what is starting to sound like harassment and stalking behaviour. I'd find it pretty creepy to have flowers and gifts arriving when I'd asked for them not to.

I recommend IKEA

It feels very much like harassment. Not so much the physical presence of stuff (I can step over that), more the sheer volume of headspace it takes up.

You could call the 101 police non-emergency number, ask their advice and potentially get a PCSO pay him a visit and ask him to stop.

And the emotional stuff, like sending me pictures of us six weeks into our relationship, when obviously things were great.

Yes I could, wouldn't be the first time I phoned 101 on him either.

fenn i have bed frame need a mattress.

but i also need a washing machine and fridge freezer so its on the back burner. as long as the kids are comfy and have everything they need i couldnt care less!
too excited-roll on half 2!

In your shoes I would follow up with the 101 call, have him warned off and consider legal restrictions if he persists. It's not acceptable behaviour and you need to be on top in this power battle.

True, I do. I'll send a straight email to him first so I have something to produce when they want evidence of my "No."

killpeppa, I did washing in the bath & kept milk outside until the weather got warm. No rush to get everything, just enjoy it all.