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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband admits to joining adult work ??

47 replies

4434natasha · 14/11/2013 22:40

Hi I've been reading all different feed backs of husbands /partners being caught out on porn sites etc .. But mine has admitted to joining adult work to view the pictures and videos but assures me that he has not messaged anyone or interested in meeting, or enquired about escorts .
The difficult thing for me is that we've been married for just 2 weeks and have a baby on the way but still have a good sex life almost every day we have sex yet he still has to watch porn is that - normal ?? I don't have a problem with him watching poem it was just the website and the reviews I'd heard was what was worrying me ! I not sure what to think !? ??

OP posts:

LucyInTheSky78 · 16/11/2013 10:13

We have a 6 month old together. Didn't stop my H from looking for glory holes to visit.

But like the OP said, the intention is there and that's so hurtful too. It's a horrible situation for you to be in because the consequences are so huge and you don't want to make the wrong decision. It's perfectly normal to hold onto hope, to make excuses and try to believe in your H.

My H cried and cried lots of times. Telling me that I am the last person on earth who he's want to hurt. He continued down the same path though which led to his downfall. If he had actually stopped looking for prostitutes, I would never have known about his cheating.
The intention was there and I reckon it was only a matter of time before he did it again.

But you're pregnant, in the most vulnerable position. If you don't want to make any decisions now, then perhaps you'll just need to watch and wait and see. Not a pleasant way to live but in my experience, I needed to know for sure about the cheating before I could make the decision to chuck him. xxxxxx

Vivacia · 16/11/2013 10:18

You can believe what you like about my partner, but in the meantime I'm not the one who is worrying about him watching porn whilst I'm in hospital or paying for sex with prostitutes.

Original poster

4434natasha · 16/11/2013 10:22

Thankyou it's nice to have people with real advice and willing to give advice ! Seem to have touched a nerve with you vivacia please don't comment anymore I don't find you helpful at all thankyou

OP posts:

Lovevhate · 16/11/2013 11:21

4434 you are in denial and looking for reasons to excuse him for the vile thing he is doing. You don't seem to want to hear the truth. Don't do this to yourself. You are worth so much more. If it looks like a nut and tastes like a nut then it IS a but. Bottom line is that he is on a site where he can contact or arrange to meet prostitutes. How is that in any way ok even if no money is changing hands?

mcmoonfucker · 16/11/2013 11:53

It's hard when you find out something awful about someone you shared hopes and dreams with.....but you do have to face the reality this man is not who you thought he was.
Personally I'd put money on him going with prostitutes. And despite this being cheating it also shows a horrible attitude to women. Which has many consequences for you since you are actually a woman. He gets moody if you don't service him sexually and this is another revealing attitude he has.

So, consequences for your life will be along the lines of you being domestic and sexual servant. Automatic assumption that you do all the childcare. Moods if your tiredness on having the baby (and doing all the domestic work) stops him sexually gratifying himself....and where will he end up? Right back on adultwork trawling to get his kicks.
This time while you are at home exhausted with a baby
Actions speak louder than words. All his actions point to it being a life of misery with him.
But that's not nice to hear I know

LucyInTheSky78 · 16/11/2013 12:31

And the thing is, there's plenty of amateur porn online too. So I just don't see any good reason for looking up prostitutes.

Vivacia · 16/11/2013 12:35

Because it's about power and control, not sex?

Lacoba66 · 16/11/2013 13:04

Hello OP. Did you mean he has deactivated his account, or that he deleted the images from his phone?

If it's just the later, then ask him for his nickname and password- then you can have a look at his account. If you already have, then please bear in mind that to contact an 'escort' they don't have to go through the website, as a lot if them give mobile contact numbers on their profile pages.

I'm not here to make a comment one way or the other, but I think you may want to explore a bit more before you are satisfied that he is telling you the whole truth.

Also please be aware that a de-activated account on AW can re-activated very easily within 30 days. After that they have to re-register.

Wish you all the best, and I feel your pain and uncertainty. X

bestsonever · 16/11/2013 13:24

Have you just found out he's been on this site since before you met? Somehow I find it odd that he has kept his membership throughout knowing you and that is a concern as you would expect a person to ditch the single-type ways once settled with someone. Much as you would expect someone to stop online dating once they have found someone.
You can't necessarily rely on family life once the baby arrives to initiate a change in him. I have noticed a lot of men seem to turn to porn at this very point in life as libido takes a hammering when you become a new mum and some men cannot deal with the diverted attentions that are natural and necessary at the time.
If you have confidence in his openness and he is willing to give it up without it going underground, there should not be too much problem.
Do you know what he previously maxed his card out on ?

Kangorillarpig · 17/04/2017 21:26

This is such a sad situation the total lack of respect having married 2weejsxearlier I would leave him child onbtgeceay or not youbeill never be able to trust him take itvfrom me prostitutesxwill be his obsession and the reason his card is maxed out is that he is not paying money in to clear the debt. Up using it before it getsvtobthecaccountvto pay firvprostitutes as sure as god made app,es he will be having sex with oristitutescat leastvtwice irvthree tinescaxweek guaranteed 109%

Kangorillarpig · 17/04/2017 21:28

Any man who goes to prostitutes is not fit to be in a relationship with children the disease you WILL GET FROM HIM will ruin your life get away from him now he is a totally worthless creep

GothyGeisha · 17/04/2017 21:57

Zombie thread

Kangorillarpig · 18/04/2017 01:52

My advice my GENUINE firm be,if iscsimple andcstraightfkrward any man who goes with prostitutes is never to be trusted dump him no matter what he says it will be lies I guarantee you 109% lies

Kangorillarpig · 18/04/2017 02:01

It is simple don't ever believe a word he says on the subject throw him out get divorced and never see him ever again that is my genuine advice to you

Kangorillarpig · 18/04/2017 02:03

He will always tell you lies and visit prostitutes and he won't ever use protection with them because he cares nothing for you or your welfare he is a selfish worthless liar and a cheat a total rancid scumbag

EC1567 · 23/10/2021 05:59

@4434natasha what did you do in the end?

TheQueef · 23/10/2021 06:02

Eight years ago EC

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 23/10/2021 06:57

This thread has been resurrected twice...

EC1567 · 23/10/2021 09:08

@TheQueef

Eight years ago EC

So?

EC1567 · 23/10/2021 09:09

@NotMyselfWithoutCoffee

This thread has been resurrected twice...

Are you keeping tabs?

Millsmega95 · 19/01/2024 11:14

It's a long story short. I found that my fiance had adultwork on his phone. When I confronted him he was so ashamed and told me everything about how growing up he was always cast aside and nobody was ever interested in him (low self esteem) but on the app he could pay for pictures of women that couldn't see him and judge him like so many did. He voulnteered to show me his first payments to the app and when he signed up. He had been on the app 2 years before meeting me. In those 2 years he did hire an escort but chickened out going because of what they may think of him! So when i asked him after nearly 3 years of a relationship he was still paying for pictures every few months, he told me that he really didnt know, that it was a habit he got into and because it became so normal to him for those yeara before me he didnt think he was doing wrong. He said that he never wver thought of cheating and that it was never liket that, his always found me attractive and that it was just a habit. I'm his first ever gf and fiance. Porn is porn I get men watching it and it don't really bother me but paying for pictures did. I had a traumatic past with my past finace. We were together 4 years and he was a emotional abuser he really messed with my head and made me out like a crazy person. I suspect cheating going on and tried to prove it but he would mess with my head saying he would never do that and its always me etc and i tried to believe him. but then it turned to physical abuse and I had to get out. After i ended the 4 year relationship which he didn't fight for I found out he had a 2 year old with another women. Which started to make sense with the lack of money etc, being away alot. And it absolutely broke me, he made me feel so many things but the main thing was to feel like I'm not good enough. So fo course when I found out about my present fiance and the photos my mind went into overdrive and I panicked. Is this a chain? And will he go further? He knew about my past he knew what happened. So i think it hurt more than it would have done if i hadnt been through all that. Its been 5 months since I found out and he Is always reassuring me that it's just me etc. He even shows his bank statements and history without me asking! And there is no sign of payments etc. But because of my past I'm trying so hard to move forward and not second question his actions. But I am finding it hard. Up until I found out I was never suspicious at all or even second guessed it but now I know he used to even before me. It makes me wonder if I'm struggling due to the past or wether it isn't just me that he wants. After I needed space from finding out he said to me that seeing how broken and hurt i was he said he knew it sounded horrible but he said he needed to see that to realise what he was doing was a big think and the min i found out he was so ashamed he hasnt been on it since. But doesnt want to lose me and has been trying very hard to prove it was never about wanting girls in those pictures he never wanted them. It was a habit that after seieng my reaction relaized he could and would never do that again. I don't know what does everyone else think?

Tiddlywink222 · 19/01/2024 12:00

He’s been upfront about using adult work ‘just for porn’ so that he can look for prostitutes without worrying about being caught. Because he already ‘explained’ himself.

and how horrible given you’re recently pregnant with your first child! Is this recent? Does he feel he’s now ‘trapped’ you can now has no issue behaving like this?

I don’t have an issue with porn per se, but I would have an issue with anything that involved interaction. So only fans for example.

there’s a reason he needs the interaction element and it wouldn’t take much for this to escalate. If you have an issue he should immediately apologise and stop. If he whinges and moans then you need to consider how much this man actually cares for and respects you.

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