Anyone else just sick of it

[sammyjayneex]

Is there anyone else sick of watching their partners/husbands going out on nights out enjoying themselves why your stuck at home with the kids?

We where supposed to go out last weekend but my mum wouldn't babysit, I asked her a whole week before and she said 'she will see how she feels at the weekend' so I ordered a dress 'just in case' but at he weekend when I texted her asking her if she would she told me she wouldn't so I sent the dress back and didn't go. It was our 7th year wedding anniversary and we wanted to celebrate as we have had a few problems in our marriage and thought it would help but No she wouldn't have them.
Now I asked him what he's doing Tomoz night and he wet quite so I said no what are you doing Tomoz are you planning to go out? And he's like erm I don't know yet? An that he's been invited out.... I am absolutely sick of him thinking that I will be happy looking after our kids while he goes out enjoying himself when he sees fit.. This night out was supposed to have been cancelled so he's obv lied about it.
I have no friends so can't go out on my own so the only nights out I get is if it was with him but my mum never wants to baby sit.

I am sick of being with the kids 24/7 getting stressed out never getting time away and he just walks out like it's ok!

He calls me selfish for moaning him going out mini reckon he's the selfish one dumping the kids on me all the time
I'm sick of it
Sorry for the rant. I'm just desperate for a break as these kids are stressing me out with the constant fighting and I'm always stuck in due to lack of funds and no one wants to help me. I only have my my mum and sister but they don't help much

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Can you not pay a babysitter to look after the kids once in a while? What about going out with your mum and sis so that he looks after the kids so he can see how it feels to be left home

Sorry if I have misunderstood, but could you not have got a babysitter with that much notice, rather than hoping your mum would commit, seeing as it was a special date?

Other than that I'm not sure what to suggest, as you don't say if you have discussed it with him or not. If you have, how does he respond? Does he realise you are feeling this way?

Why are you stuck in by "lack of funds" and yet he seems to be able to afford to go out? How does that work? (Sensing money is not split equally).

Tell him you are going out even if its just to late night shopping and mcdonalds. You are entitled to time off too and he needs to realise they are his kids and his responsibility too.

You have no friends? Time to get out there! Join a club, a gym, anything! Meet people! I think your first step is to have someone to go out with if you both going out at the same time is an issue. Are you new to the area?

I'm sorry if this seems unsympathetic (I am no stranger to a lack of funds myself), but if you really wanted to go out, could you not have spent your dress money on a babysitter and gone somewhere less fancy than originally planned? Or better still, once you get your refund can you book one for next weekend and just have an evening in the pub with your DH?

I think you should talk to your DH about time out for you, because you are clearly reaching the end of your tether. It's bloody rude that he just announces he's going out without checking it's ok- no wonder you feel a bit taken for granted. What would his reaction be if you had the opportunity to spend an evening round at a friend's house with the odd glass of wine, for instance?

All you need to do is announce you are going out one night this weekend as he was out last weekend. Everytime he does something, be pleased he has and then mTch what he's doing/spending. It'll make your point for you. Where you go and what you do is up to you but it's your chance to mix with others and make some contacts to form friendships.

I have talked to him but he doesn't listen. He still goes out
I don't know any trusted babysitters and even if I did he wouldn't allow a stranger babysitting. He says in Selfish for going on at him but it's coz I am exhausted and he doesn't care. My health hasn't been good lately and the doc says it's stress and I wouldn't be surprised it's that either
He's always at work and uni so it's hard for me to go anywhere without the kids. He also spends any spare hours he has at uni also.
He does help around the house I have to give him that but he doesn't understand how stressed I am and thinks I should be able to do it all. He always makes a point that I only have 4 children and others have 8 and they manage but I can't.
I hate bein don't he house all the time doing to same old thing. I used to volunteer at a charity which I loved but now he goes to uni on his day off from work I have had to quit

Can you ask at school about trusted babysitters? I know how you feel about strangers looking after your children but would you feel better if they were someone another parent trusted? Even the older child of a fellow parent is better than flaky relatives.
Organise something as a one off for yourself, tell him and go. See how you feel about it. If you're ok with it arrange a regular thing.
And as for 'only' having 4 DC's, I 'only' have 3 and would be gibbering in a corner if I didn't get some time to myself!!

You need to have a life too, your partner sounds happy to swan off and leave you in charge. Doesn't sound very fair if you miss out on a wedding anniversary night out and he gets to go out the rest of the year. Has he ever sat in with the DCs of an evening while you've gone out? He's not a bachelor, he has responsibilities.

Getting to know other mums with children in the same age group can help. Have you looked into what's going on around your area? Playgroups, church hall or community centre mothers & toddlers, softplay, swimming/aqua groups? You must feel the four walls are closing in.

I don't know what age your DCs are but would your mum be willing to babysit in daytime if the older ones are out at pre-school or nursdery? Just to give you time to do something for yourself, shopping or better still, exercise or hair appointment?

Once you get to know other people, you can sort out babysitting amongst yourselves, if you know them well enough to think you can trust them, that is. Not much point organising a night out if you can't relax because you aren't confident about the babysitter. Needn't be for cash, just return the favour, keep a tally.

Obviously with 4 DCs of your own you would need to find someone who was up for the challenge so for now you'd probably have to restrict this arrangement to evenings while the youngest are already in bed and settled. I'd say, this frees you up to go out with your husband, but I'm not so sure you should do all the running around then make the arrangements to go out with a man who scuttles off leaving you alone.

If you have been unwell and your partner isn't pulling his weight, no wonder you feel fed up. I don't know anyone with 8 children, 4 is quite a lot imo, he doesn't seem to realise surely the more both parents need to work together? How often a week does he go out in the evening? Is he seeing mates round their place or propping up a bar somewhere? Quite a lot of money spent if he is Mr Sociable.

You mention problems already existing and on top of that you are now risking depression, if you don't already have it.

So, he won't pull his weight with the kids (he's not supposed to "help" round the house, it's his bloody house too!), won't acknowledge that you're tired and fed up, lies about cancelling his own nights out to go out with you, spends family money having fun, and has a go at you when you dare to raise objections to any of this.

What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

Oh, and it particularly sucks that you've had to give up your volunteering day. That could have stood you in good stead for eventually returning to work, if that's what you decide you want to do. But you've had to give it up so that HE can better himself through uni instead. Why is he more important than you in this?

It's totally unfair that you don't get to go out because he won't watch the kids, and that he vetoes having a "stranger" to babysit but he's not the one whose social life has to suffer because of it! I'm also astounded that he comes back at you with "well, some people manage with 8 children" whenever you point out that you have 4 kids to deal with 24/7! You're effectively on call 168 hours a week! I think MadBusLady sums it up well.

I have, in the past, waited for DH to come home from a Saturday drinking session and walked out of the door as soon as he walked in. Sometimes I went swimming, sometimes I just took a bus from one end of London to the other and back again, listening to the radio or reading a book. Either way I got some "me" time without feeling the child was left in the hands of someone unsuitable.

To be fair, he got the hint pretty quickly and now we alternate Saturdays out.

Sorry but when he's not at work or uni the childcare should be shared, in fact he should be giving you a break from the kids. He sounds like he wants the single life as well as the family one - he can only have both if you allow it or accept it, you clearly don't so time to get tough with him.

As for friends, make new ones, join an evening class. Is there no older kids you could have babysit - what about your in-laws?

I'm sorry but him not understanding how stressed you are and expecting you to cope just sums him up - selfish indignant and ignorant to what it is to raise a family.

No advice op but I know what you mean. I have no friends either. I moved to a new area 2 years ago when DC1 was born, which I thought was the perfect opportunity to make new friends. I give up trying now. I'm a SAHM and DP goes out all the time. Three times he went out this week. I live in a tiny village, the buses stop at 5. No family. So I just don't go out. Sorry no advice I just wanted to empathise. Hope things get better for you soon. X

Is DH from the area? Do you have in-laws? I'd ignore him dictating who babysits if he goes in and out as he pleases.

Do you take your youngest to a baby clinic, can you ask a HV about what's available locally? Ask at your local library too, look for ads on post office or newsagent windows. Next time you're shopping and see another mum or carer similarly burdened with a pram or buggy, buying food or nappies or anything baby oriented, pluck up courage, strike up conversation. Lots of folk are too shy to make the first move. We get caught up in the idea of coping, looking like we know what we're doing.

I feel sorry for anyone stuck in the middle of nowhere. I'll stick my neck out and ask, have you looked on Mumsnet Local, see what's on in your part of the country? Even try Netmums, they're supposed to be good at meet-ups.

Well I don't know anyone with 8 children (I'd imagine it's pretty rare!) and I think those who have more than two are bloody saints!! I struggle with one sometimes.

Sorry but HOW can he kid himself this is in any way equal? I don't understand it :( You do ALL the childcare, ALL the cleaning, he gets to go out whenever he feels like it and yet he won't even look after his own children so that you can do the same.

It sounds like he doesn't even want to be in this relationship. After all he's not acting like a partner, by the sounds of it he's hardly even there

He leaves you alone to cope with 4 children and complains that you can't cope???

It seems to me that you cope, but nobody can be expected to deal with 4 children (or one) 24/7 without leaving the house.

It seems to me that he is isolating you, and I'd be wondering why.

Why can't you leave the house and leave him with the children?
An evening away, even if to go for a walk should do you good. Join a gym or something.

I also wonder about the money issues. Does he control the money at all? Do you have to ask him for money?

Really hope this doesn't come across as anything negative but you used 'why' instead of 'while' which is something I hear a lot around my area in the North West. If you are from the area, there's a Liverpool Mumsnet meetup being planned, which would be a great way to make some new contacts in the area and go on to develop a social network. The thread is here.

Really don't mean to cause any offence at all, hope you don't mind my amateur sleuth skills.

If your partner tells you your a burden in them and then tells you 'oh I was joking and playing' what would you take from that?
This is what he has said to me just today and is acting it's like a joke.
I think he's saying this because he wants to spend all his spare time in he uni lab and if I ask him to stay home to spend time helping me with the house he goes mad. He makes me feel guilty for asking for help and makes out that I'm useless for askin for help with home and kids
I feel so frustrated and upset.
Don't know what's right and wrong anymore

I would absolutely take some time for myself..

Go and wander around the shops on a Sunday afternoon, go swimming, read the papers in Starbucks. There's plenty you could do, on your own without spending much.

Just a few hours on your own, away from the kids will do you the world of good. If he's out on Saturday night, tell him you're off out Sunday for a few hours.

I've just had enough!

I have the kids when he goes to work. I have the kids when he goes to uni, I have the kids while he goes on nights outs. I watch the kids and bath the kids when he feels like a sleep. Like tonight I wanted him to bath the kids and put them to bed because my back is really painful at the moment and he told me to 'give him half an hour' so I waited but he went to sleep on sofa and it ended up getting too late so I had to bath the kids and put them with a bad back. He then wakes up says 'you should haw waited for me' and tries to excuse his behaviour I end up shouting coz in so stressed nd I'm with the kids all the time while he gets time out.
I cant see a way out anymore. I actually think he enjoys hurting me.
He spends most nights on his cool so I'm left sat on my own.

Just hand him the kids and tell him 'it's your time tonight' and go out! Make sure you do it on a regular basis too