Divorce and the guilt...

[nauticalbutnice]

Just wondering how the person asking for the separation deals with their guilt? Because for various reasons I've spent the last year asking H to leave and not getting anywhere, in the last 6 weeks he's realised I'm serious but is now acting like a wounded puppy and I'm feeling terribly guilty.

Reasons for the split are numerous but the driving force behind it is one huge breach of my trust and the way he speaks to me, fucking this and fucking that and you're a fucking idiot blah blah blah, we have 4 DC and I do not want to be responsible for the next generation of my family being completely dysfunctional when it comes to relationships but I feel like I'll be messing them up just as much if I stay .

I know I need to leave for the DC but I'm not sure if I can cope with the inevitable guilt trip that comes with it, he's already thrown around the "we'll you're the one who wants to break up the family" line around 800 times and now as things are moving forward he won't discuss anything.

Does it get easier?

I was the one who left, I filed for divorce etc. he told me I would be ruining the children's lives and his, it was horrible, he is currently subtly letting the children know it was all mummy's fault. For me it has got easier because he has shown his true colours and I am feeling less and less guilty cause I know it was the right thing for me. If it's the right thing for you it will be hard but my advice would be yes, it does get easier - eventually

me too. My ExH threatened manipulated and when that faied 'attempted suicide' telling me it would be all my fault when the kids very totally fucked up. Forgetting that he was a drug addict and alcoholic who verbally and emotionally abused us for years.
Kick him in to touch .
Do NOT feel guilty. Move on. I never think about HIM now as a person, only as the DC's father. His stupid behavior has no effect on me and almost cost him contact with his children.

I feel no guilt. I have shown my daughter that it's OK to leave a marriage that isn't making you happy. It's a good thing to learn.
I am sure that your reasons to leave outweigh those to stay.

I left too, had enough of the selfishness and mind games and manipulation, as well as the mental cruelty to DCs.
He tried the tears and begging and suicide threats, but when he saw i was not going back (and it took some doing) he moved on to another woman within 5 weeks.
Dont feel guilty although its really hard at first. If at all possible do the deed and get out or tell him to go, and then keep contact for yourself to a minimum. And get good legal help.
Talk to friends and come on MN for help, but stand your ground.
If you are not happy your DCs will know. My elder DCs in their early 20's told me a few weeks ago they had been waiting for 10 years for me to pluck up courage to leave exH...and now I wish I hadnt waited so long.

And on the whole my guilt has nearly gone. He has shown his true colours since we have split.

I had this as well:

"YOU'RE the one who has decided to end it"
"Well, as you have decided to throw it all in the bin, I am left powerless"
"I still love you, but if you won't try then there is nothing I can do"
"So, you are just going to abandon me and leave me in the shit without a second though"

And the rest of it blah blah blah. Totally overlooking the fact that the relationship was dead and had been dead for years because of HIS abuse.

Really, it is almost laughable. Just ignore it:don't try to respond, don't rise to it and defintiely do not accept it.

Be strong and be safe.

You get shot of the guilt by rejecting the person subjecting you to the guilt-tripping & psychological bullying. If you've asked him to leave and he has refused, take legal advice. Start the divorce process, consider finding somewhere else for you and the DCs to live rather than enduring the situation.... essentially, have an objective of separation and shift heaven and earth to reach your goal. Shut your ears to his crap. Best of luck

Thanks for the replies.

I have somewhere to move into after Christmas, hopefully it will feel easier when we're out from under the same roof.

I've tried to end the marriage on 4 occasions in the past 5 years but always ended staying to shut him up

If you can move out before Christmas, please do it. If you can spend time with friend who support you, please do it. He's still got a couple of months to grind you down and you already sound pretty low. Are you getting legal advice in the meantime?