Spilling my heart out. No one else to talk to sorry it's long

[Jacobanddaisysmummy]

I posted a while back about my other Half being depressed and not showing any willing to help himself.
He works full time and is registered disabled he's been depressed and on meds for it for years. He has lots of reason to be but seems to not want to help himself(docs are referring to mental health team ATM)
Anyway our relationship is ok we get on well at times other times it's not so good. We haven't been intimate for a while about 7 weeks (not that I'm counting lol) which makes me insecure.
Today is his only day off this week. He has been horrible all day acting like he's joking but being off moody and saying some nasty things to me and constantly taking the mick out of what I say. Anyway about 2 o clock we had an argument over a shopping list (I hadn't written one) he laughed at me so I hit the roof. He walked away. I went up 5 mins later and apologised but continued to try and tell him how I felt. I ended up breaking down in tears and walking out of the room. I'm just so unhappy at the moment. We have lots going on. Two broken down cars. Money worries etc. I kind of expected him to call me back and give me a cuddle he didn't. I went and pick up my eldest (both kids not his but he treats them as if they are) from preschool ie come back and there's no sign of him went up to ask if he will be eating with us and he's asleep. He sleeps so much like gets in from work goes to bed (7/8pm) has baths that last two to three hours a time. Today he's acted like he doesn't even like me as a person and doesn't want to be here. I'm Rampling on now (sorry) but basically I'm living with a depressive who never pays me compliments or gives any thanks for all I do being a sahm (I'm always thanking him for going out to work and providing for us). Depression is a horrible thing and I've tried and tried to help but he doesn't want the help. I love him I want to be with him but I feel as if I'm just sitting waiting for everything to be ok. Think I'll sleep in with my son tonight as I doubt I'll see oh anymore today and he will be off to work not long after we wake up (has to go two hours early as he's commuting by bus as no car ATM)
Sorry it's so long and Ive rambled on a bit I'm literally spilling it all out here as I have no one to talk to at all.
:-(

I'm sorry, you sound so miserable and ground down. Depression is indeed a horrible thing for a person to go through, but it's no excuse for being nasty. I'm sure I was a complete misery to be around when I was depressed but it didn't make me horrible to anyone. So don't accept it as an excuse.

How long have you been together and has he always had this unpleasant streak or is this totally out of character? You mention he has been depressed for years - has the depression always taken this form?

We've been together two years in April we was friends before back in 2008 then lost contact. After I split with kids dad we reconnected and fell in love very quickly. I believe he's had it a few years he hasn't told me too much about his past to be honest odd snipets of bits but not too much on the route of where the depression started he's on a strong does 325mg a day of anti depressant. I am very miserable and becoming snappy with my kids which is so unfair on them :( I've cried in front of them today something I never wanted them too see :( this is quite out of character he tends to take himself away when he's down which I'm fine with but today he was being quite nasty generally taking the piss out of me and being very sarcastic he is generally sarcastic but not to the degree he was today. It's just I get no complements or thanks for what I do do. Feel like it's like expected of me now sort of thing. I keep thinking things then forgetting them and not writing them down. Will come back to me soon lol

If you took the depression diagnosis out of the equation, you're left with someone who is routinely sarcastic, nasty and treats you like shit. What if there is no cure to his depression? How long are expecting to suck it up, keep being grateful that he has a job (can't believe you demean yourself like that tbh ), keep apologising when he's been a bastard to you?

It sounds horrible for you and your DCs. Very one-sided and I think the depression - although real - is being used as a smokescreen.

Good point I am like holding on by my fingertips waiting for him to "get better" and for our relationship to get better :-(

Does he behave the same way with his work colleagues? Friends? Is he sarcastic, nasty, unpopular, ungrateful....? Essentially, is it only when he's at home that he feels it's OK to act this way or is he consistently bad tempered and so on?

"We have lots going on. Two broken down cars. Money worries etc."

Would it help if you were less dependent on him? Two reasons.... one being is that it's a big responsibility for one person to provide all the family income, especially one with mental health issues. Another being that it would ease the family finances, give you a bit of independence and then, if things don't work out, you have options.

I wouldn't say I'm fully dependant on him. I get the tax credits child benefit and my child maintenance into my account I pick up a few bills and all food shopping so I'd be ok
It's more of a where would he go issue right now I wanna leave go to my mums with kids
I want him to realise what he could loose but how :(

Ok this isn't my advice, but all I can tell you is about my experience of living with someone who suffers depression.
It's hard very very hard, I knew about 6-9 months into the relationship that I didn't want to be with him but didn't want to hurt him, because of his depression I was worried it would tip him over the edge.
So I stayed, I spent 5 years on egg shells, scared to say or do the wrong thing in case it brought him down. It was a horrible way to live, the roller coaster and blaming of his bad behaviour on his depression.
Eventually enough was enough I plucked up the courage to go, he threatened suicide literally threw everything he could at me. Fast forward 5 years he's now married with a little boy and 'better'.
Me, I'm not the woman I was, I wasted my life sitting there waiting for someone to get better thinking I could do it. When in reality the only person who could make them better was himself.

Bless you :( that sounds like me. I don't want to sit waiting all the time but I also don't want to loose him. He said to the doctor the only thing stopping him from ending it all is me and that scares me :(

Sounds to me like he needs to go back to the doctor's and the anti-depressants should be having some effect and they don't sound like they are being. Perhaps he needs a higher dose or something else. They can stop working after a while.

There is a big difference between being depressed and lashing out and just being an arsehole. I don't know your husband so I can't tell which but I've done some of the things that he has done and my OH has felt dreadful because of them.

I recommend you read this book by yourself and together: www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/B0092FYGZY/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1384454805&sr=8-3&keywords=living+with+a+black+dog It'll help you both. Nothing taxing or psychobabbly at all.

I also second Cognito's thoughts on you relying on him. Pressure to achieve, bring home the bacon etc. really adds stress and no depressed person needs that. Could you work at all part time? Just a suggestion to help the whole situation.

Finally, if he really really won't help himself by going back to the doctor and taking control of this awful thing, then you're going to have to have the chat. My OH dragged me to the doctors, made the appointment because he found me in the garage with the exhaust bunged up. It was make or break time. I realised I needed help. I hope he can too but it's for him and you.

Unless you were at the GP consultation the only way you'll have known he was thinking of ending it all would be if he told you. However he may be feeling, it is grossly unfair of him to lay on you the (false) responsibility that his life is conditional on you sticking around. It is emotional blackmail of the very worst kind and, if he did take his own life, it would not be your fault in the slightest.

Here here Cogito.

He's got you on the end of a piece of string OP. I agree to take the 'depression' out of the equation - you're left with a nasty person.

I wouldn't bother iiwy. You're probably a handy person to take it all out on. If he were interested to do something about it, apologised for the effect his 'illness' has, took responsibility etc then that would be a different thing. As it is, he wound you up until you snapped... then you apologised.

he's having a laff imo.