Lazy son isn't helping matters!

[sweetpud]

I've had a few personal problems lately and am trying my best to deal
with them at the moment, but things with DS are not helping.
As my previous thread, I explained that DS lives here rent free, treats the place like a S*Hole, and basically comes and goes as he pleases.
He doesn't go out drinking or getting into trouble etc, so isn't a bad lad but nonetheless I don't think his behaviour is acceptable.

He is supposed to be attending uni four times a week( this is his second year), but is not getting out of bed half the time, or is telling us he is in half a day, not that day, etc etc, and i'm getting fed up of the extra stress this is causing.
I am so fed up that I feel like saying either get your act together and go to Uni on the times and days you should, or give it up altogether and get full time job, and pay your way! :-(

Lives there rent free? Make him pay rent! Or maybe give him two options. Pay rent or help with x, y and z, x number of times per week or on these days (a practical alternative if he doesn't receive much in the way of loans and grants to actually allow him to pay you much anyway). Or a combination of both!

My younger (21) brother was a 'bad boy' and he still never treated our mum like that!

Does he have a part time job? If he's having time to lay around all the time sounds like he is either neglecting his uni work massively (that will catch up with him next year!) or he's keeping on top of it and has too much free time. In which case he should get a PT job or find some voluntary work! In fact if he hasn't had a job before I'd say try and get a PT job anyway, at least at weekends...I don't know what he's studying at uni but whatever it is there probably isn't a job waiting for him patiently after :(

As an aside- maybe you should talk to him about his course and how much he's enjoying it. Does he go out with friends? Is he doing ok with work? If he's avoiding going in there may be a reason and if he's feeling a bit down about it all it may explain his apathy.

If you feel like saying it, say it. I think an important parental role is to prepare kids for independence. Impose rent and chores starting today... you'd get £250/month if you rented his room to a lodger, plus a share of the bills. Invest in an air-horn to get him out of bed at a reasonable time. Basically, make his life a lot less cushy. If he wants to flunk his uni course and waste the fees... that's his call.

Finally, set a deadline by which he has to either engage fully & constructively with uni and home-life or gets a job and moves into his own place. January 1st for example.

Tough love...

OP: Sounds like my DS who's 16 and attends college 2 days a week - the other 3 days are spent doing sweet FA. The place is like a s*tip when he has been at home during the day. I spend the evening in a rage :(

Well for starters get hold of his lecture/tutorial timetable so you know when he needs to be at uni. Usually these days unis keep attendence records so if he is skipping clases they will get a few warnings before being kicked off the course. The first year of most uni courses don't usually count towards your final grade, you have to pass end of year exams to progress to the next academic year but that is it. His second year work though will count towards his final grade and sounds like he is not taking it too seriously, that would concern me as he would have quite possibly pissed away two years of his life! Time for a chat there I think as to whether uni is for him, and if not, what kind of jobs he needs to start applying for.

With regards to his sloth like attitude towards your home I would generally start to exclude doing his laundry and cooking meals (assuming that you do), he is still behaving like a teenager. If he is living in your house he needs to pull his weight, especially so if he is not paying rent.

Like most other students, when I was at uni it was where I started (or was forced) to learn how to cook properly, do my laundry, run a tight household budget and generally pick up basic life skills and fit all this around a few part time jobs. It was also a time of freedom and excitment in terms of living under your own roof with like minded friends.

If he has so few lectures then he has time to get a part time job. You will be doing him a massive favour in the long run if you make him start stepping up to the mark now. He should be doing his fair share of the chores & cooking meals for the family at least one night per week. You are not running a Guesthouse.

Can you be more specific about how he treats the place like a hotel?

I think you need to break this down into 2 issues: how he is at home and his attendance at uni.

Both my DCs are through uni and one came back home for 3 years afterwards so I've got the T shirts.

If his course is not that challenging ( what subject is it?) he may be fine winging it with few lectures. Degree courses such as science etc demand attendance, but many courses don't.

His uni course is not- as much as you hate to hear this- your problem. he will have a personal tutor who he can talk to if he is overwhelmed by the course, or finding he has lost motivation. Your efforts should be focused on enabling him to take responsibility for himself and seek help at the uni if he feels he needs it.

Although it is horrible watching your child throw away their educational chances, he is an adult. it's his choice whether he works on his degree or not. You need to choose a moment when there is no bickering, and try to have a serious talk to him about the work and how he feels about it all, then leave it to him.

But what he does in your home is different. if he is living rent free then he ought to do chores in lieu. What would you like him to do? Can both of you agree on a list- maybe he does the bins, cooks once week, does his own washing ( assume he does anyway??) and maybe some basic cleaning for you?

Give this a trial run. If he won't comply then he will have to apply for a different student loan- or work part time- and live out- rent a house share, or move into halls. This is something the student welfare office would advise him on if he went and spoke to them.

The charging him rent is a bit silly IMo because he will only be able to pay with a student loan and most loans are topped up by parents anyway. Neither of my DCs loans covered their living costs- we had to subsidise all their rent. If he's living at home he won't get much of a loan anyway - but there is a case for talking about how much money he has, if he should contribute a small amount for food, or if he ought to take a weekend job to give him some income from which he can cough up a bit.
Does he have outgoings like a car? Does he spend much on entertainment etc? Do you buy lots more food because he's still at home? These should all be talked about with him.