Being paranoid (sorry, long)

[mumaa]

I fear I am, in fact I know I am but I just don't know what to do about it. Been told by many different people over the years that I 'think too much'.

A couple of things are arranged for this weekend, one event with ILs and one event with friends. ILs have changed our plans as they have other things they would like to do so have made our arrangements to meet up later in the day and a couple of the friends who are going to our gathering have said they now have comitments the following day so may cut things short.

I know its just a change of plan here and there and it doesn't mean things have to be cancelled but I just feel like if people really wanted to do these things then they would, and squeezing us/me in around other things just makes me feel like saying, lets cancel.

The IL thing is ongoing, the whole family revolves around what my MIL wants to do and she goes in a blatant, obvious huff if she doesn't get her way. We arranged a lunch with the ILs this weekend as my DH has a rare day off at the weekend so we thought would be nice to spend time with them as usually its an evening here or there but being off means we could have a relaxing afternoon. MIL wasn't keen on this in the first place (id rather go for dinner) and somehow through one thing or another this lunch which we managed to get her to agree to has now been changed to dinner. She is saying it suits another member of the family better but I know it suiting her would be a bonus to her. I wouldn't mind but she always complains she never sees much of DH and our DD so wouldn't spending an afternoon together be nice? He is never off at weekends and we have this rare opportunity but it doesn't suit.

The friend thing is a case of my friend trying to make a fuss over my birthday but now half of the people coming (small group) are saying i wont be doing this or that as i now have this to do the next day. Its a rare gathering and actually will be the first night out with these people in over a year and i just feel like, why bother, if you have arranged these things to do when you knew we had this night planned then i dont think you are that fussy. I said to my friend who is arranging it "lets just make it dinner and then people can go home as some have things on" but she has told me 'dont be silly', 'let us make a fuss of you' but it doesn't feel that way and being made a fuss of isn't something i am hugely comfortable with anyway... I just feel like people are just doing these things as they feel the should and dont really want to, making me feel like this whole weekend is just going to be a waste of time.

Think i need a slap some sense talking into me, am i being paranoid or would others feel this way too?

You're not paranoid but you don't sound particularly assertive either, if you'll pardon the observation. If you want something to happen or you don't want it to happen you have to stamp your foot. I'm completely lost as to what it is you actually want to happen with the ILs... lunch or dinner I can't work it out... but decide which one you want and then be emphatic about it. Same with your friends and the birthday arrangements. The answer to 'let us make a fuss of you'... is 'NO. I want to do X. It's my birthday. We do what I want and not what you want'

Be more confident, be more assertive and you'll feel more in control and less like others are steamrollering you.

I think it's OK for your MIL to state her preference for dinner, over lunch. If you two are available in the evening, I don't see what's the big problem? Social engagements are about finding times that are convenient to all attendees, no?

If it's not really about being social but more about people joining you and your DH for a lunch of your choosing, perhaps you need to be a little more assertive with your arrangements and say things like: "DH and I ARE GOING for LUNCH on xx to xx, we'd love it if you could join us." So that it is YOUR arrangement, that people can't change.

"Been told by many different people over the years that I 'think too much'."

Maybe the tendency to 'think too much' is because you find it hard to articulate what you want? Chewing over something rather than acting is a form of procrastination.

Thanks, sorry if unclear, was rambling a bit.

MIL is always complaining she never sees enough of DH so we thought a lunch would suit as none of the party involved work weekends and it actually suits us better as DD (1) is generally on better form. She obviously didn't see it that way as wanted dinner, but i did 'stamp my feet' and said it would be better for us, we dont have to rush off and it would be a nice afternoon.

She eventually agreed - this was about 2 months ago. Now SIL is working on the sat morning and asked if we could make it dinner instead, came with lots of disclaimers of 'if you cant do this its fine i'll make it' but i was sick of fighting, i had to fight to get this ONE lunch, we always do a dinner as it suits MIL and have never done anything else despite asking. To me, it just seems clear they dont want to do the lunch so we just have to go with the dinner.

My DHs grandparents are also going to be there and they have said to us separately that they would prefer lunch as dont like to be out at night but they dont speak up when this subject rears its head, they just say they'll 'do whatever suits' if the dinner wasn't to celebrate an occasion i would just cancel, i feel as if they see it as being childish, but why is it OK to do what suits a certain two people rather than another two people, isn't it about compromise, couldn't we do what suited us just once?

With the friend thing, this has also been arranged for quite a while and now that it is here i am getting messages saying - i wont make this part of the evening from a couple of those coming. I think it has only bugged me because of the IL and i feel like chucking my toys out the pram and saying just forget it.

Apologies, i think this is coming over quite huffy, which i am not usually but it seems that it is OK for other people to change plans and i am just to go along with it. The friend thing really is a side issue and definitely an overeaction after dealing with the ILs, i just dont get why it is OK for someone to dictate what happens all the time and we ask for a one off that would be easier for us, make the whole thing more enjoyable as my young DD is generally not going to be tired at that hour and can also allow DH to spend time with the family who always complain about never seeing him.

"i just dont get why it is OK for someone to dictate what happens all the time "

It's not. That's why you have to find ways to articulate what you want. You talk about 'chucking toys out of the pram', 'huffy', 'overreaction' and 'paranoid' - essentially stressed, emotional responses. That's because you sit on the problem thinking and getting upset or resentful rather than saying at an early stage what you want to happen.

Get in the driving seat, be assertive and things will improve.

The thing is CogitoErgoSometimes i am generally the one who WILL suggest alternatives. When it comes to MIL though i get met with eyerolls whenever i suggest something that isn't 'the norm' basically i get the feeling from her that its a case of 'well mumaa this is how we always do it, if you dont want to do that, then dont' there is no room for compromise or change.

This is encouraged by DHs grandparents and other who say nothing to her and a member of the ILs has said to me 'its just easier if we all do what MIL wants' so I am clearly seen as the trouble maker. Heaven forbid i actually manage to arrange for us to go for lunch in over 18 months of asking and saying this would be easier for us, would you please accommodate? not every time, but just now and then?

All the while she is allowed to complain and say that DH never spends time with her, when we try to arrange something that yes, would suit us, but would also involve DH spending more time with her she doesn't want to do that? confused, fed up!

'Suggest' and 'please' are not the words you want when you're up against passive aggressive types. :) Put on your emotional blinkers, ignore all the eye-rolling and the 'feelings' that you're out of line and just get on and do it anyway. If she complains.... oh dear. Make it easier to do what mumaa wants, even if that casts you in the role of trouble-maker. Who cares what others think?

OP, i think you sound more resentful than paranoid. It sounds as though you change your arrangements to suit others and you dont like it. There are plenty of suggestions on this thread as to how you can do this.

Your MIL's complaints are her problem. Do not make them yours. I'm sure if she really wanted to spend more time with your family she would. Ignore it, it is a form of attention-seeking.

It is not your job to make everyone else happy OP.

Thanks, i think i am a bit resentful, its literally the same thing everytime, so i have just given up my fight to get what might suit me or my family and as a result it has just left me feeling like they clearly aren't that interested in spending time with me, DH or DD. I think they like to say "we had a meal with the family" but dont want to adapt or compromise to make it an event that might be more appropriate when incorporating a small child or her parents who have to try to entertain her.

I think i have then projected this feeling onto my friends, it just made me want to throw my hands up and say, dont bother. It was just another instance where i had made an arrangement with people and then they chose to do other things and our arrangements then had to be compromised.

I am generally not an inflexible person, I just think all this stuff with the ILs which has been going on for some time as just got to me and its made me feel a bit sorry for myself and that no one is really that bothered slaps self hard

CogitoErgoSometimes you are right about the passive aggressive thing, i just feel i cant win. If i assert myself much further i will come across as being agressive, she is very good at defering.

To me, it just seems clear they dont want to do the lunch so we just have to go with the dinner

No. Someone has to lose out and not have their preferred choice, but it needn't be you. Let them be unhappy with arrangements for a change. Don't take on their negative feelings. Stick with lunch, and if they really don't like it they don't have to come.

Ditto the people contacting you about your birthday. Don't worry or assume that it is a big hassle for them. Take it as it comes, enjoy the evening and let people come as and when is convenient for them.

"If i assert myself much further i will come across as being agressive, she is very good at defering."

And... ? If that's what it takes to have you stop feeling sorry for yourself, that's the path to follow. How you come across is neither here nor there.