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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone find it hard to trust again?

22 replies

whostolethesocks · 14/11/2013 05:28

My ex H had an affair. I'm now divorced and moved on and with a new partner (been together a year). He's a really lovely person but always at the back of my mind is what happenend before and I find it hard to trust again. I don't want this to ruin the relationship. I know he's a different person and he's given me no reason to not trust him but every now and then a thought goes through my head. A lot of my ex H's contact was on his phone and his laptop so I'm paranoid about my new partner being on his phone and laptop. I know it's silly but I'm just finding it hard.

OP posts:
20000leagues · 14/11/2013 06:26

I know exactly how you feel. My ex did the same and I too was paranoid about the phone and laptop when he was with me. I now have a new bf who doesn't have a smartphone and hardly bothers with it really. But I still think about it occasionally. I hate social network sites as a result of it all. I don't have any advice really just to say hang on in there and your not alone :)

MaryAnnTheDasher · 14/11/2013 06:59

Yep. Same here. No words of advice unfortunately! I just try to tell myself my H is not the same man my exP was but it is hard. It's like being programmed to be on alert at all times. I go through good and bad phases and luckily my H is relatively understanding. I had hoped it would have faded by now (was with constantly cheating ex for 11 years but with H for more than 7 years) but it hasn't. Sounds trite but one day at a time and all that!

MaryAnnTheDasher · 14/11/2013 07:01

Oh and I am much more of the school of thought now of thinking I can't do anything to control what H does. I used to be killed from trying to control exP not cheating again and he still did numerous times so that's evidence enough really to know that thinking you can 'stop' them is wrong. I do really feel for you. It's dreadful feeling like this.

aliciaflorrick · 14/11/2013 07:20

Yes, to the point where I ended a relationship before it got serious because I realised I have a massive problem with trust now, and also commitment, I don't feel I can ever commit 100% to another person again and that makes me sad, because I won't ever give my heart and soul to someone again, simply because I gave it to the wrong person to begin with.

I'm sure it's some kind of self preservation thing. It's the way it makes me feel when I don't trust someone that I don't like, I feel like there's something wrong with me because there's no reason to distrust. I don't like that I've become this cynical distrusting person, I never used to be this way.

moonfacebaby · 14/11/2013 07:41

Yes, I know how you feel!

My exH had an affair & it was such a shock - he never seemed like the type (is there one??). Blamed me for it too.

It really made me question my ability to judge someone's character.

Now I'm with a new partner & I've had my wobbles along the way. I got to the point where I had to make a conscious decision to trust him & like another poster, I just thought I can't stop anyone from doing it to me anyway.

I'm happy with my DP but I don't think that I'll ever blindly trust someone in the way I used to. I'm happy to trust him but I'm aware that there are no certainties & if he ever cheated on me, I think I'd be off men for life.

There have been times when I've been really angry that exH's behaviour has scarred me & changed me forever but at the same time, I'm prepared to take the risk for l

moonfacebaby · 14/11/2013 07:42

....for love.

RollerCola · 14/11/2013 07:56

Yes me, I don't think I'll ever trust anyone truly ever again. I won't ever put myself in a position where I'm worrying about whether someone is being unfaithful, but I'm not sure how this will manifest itself.

I don't want to be someone who checks phones etc and I won't tell any future partners that I have a trust issue. I just won't fully trust them Sad It makes me angry because exh has made me like this, I wasn't a naturally suspicious person.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/11/2013 08:51

Trust makes you vulnerable. The kind of blind trust many of us put in our first partners because we love them, can turn out to be a naive mistake. Not wanting to go there again doesn't make you damaged or abnormal, just a regular human being responding rationally to a bad experience. If you had had trust flung back in your face and went on to blindly trust too easily again, I think that would be foolish.

I'd suggest OP that you talk to your partner, explain that you've been seriously let down in the past, and emphasis how important it is that he leaves nothing to guesswork. That way - assuming he wants to - he can avoid setting up anxiety-making situations.

redundantandbitter · 14/11/2013 17:40

I was OW and then he left his wife and we saw each other for a further 2 years. I am of the school of thought that you can't stop them so never worried about it. Trusted him
Completely, both a bit vulnerable, but definitely committed. Then he met someone on holiday and 2 months ago
Dumped me. I am waffling on because just today I said out loud , in the car, that i feel i will never trust another man again. How could I ? Another poster said she felt scarred. Exactly that here. Never will I put myself in that position again, but that's just me. You have a new partner. Enjoy him , don't worry ... I don't know what else to say. . It's understandable how you feel OP. I take it your new man knows your history?

whostolethesocks · 16/11/2013 17:55

So glad I'm not alone. My new man knows my history but finds it hard to understand the way I feel sometimes.

OP posts:
Mof4 · 22/11/2013 19:59

My exh cheated spectacularly. Met lovely DP, 2 DD's together, took time but gave him myself wholly, trusted him completely, just found out he's been sleeping with his assistant, 14 years younger. Devastated doesn't come close. I am probably not the person to ask.

worsestershiresauce · 22/11/2013 20:20

My DH had an affair with a colleague, 11 years younger than me. Before that I trusted him completely, never questioned his late nights in the office or overseas travel. Never gave it so much as a second thought.

Now we are together again, and it works, but I don't look on it as a case of trust. I work on the basis of be happy when the times are good, and if it happens again be strong and walk off. They say that where there is no trust there is no relationship, well I guess I trust him not to go back to that particular OW so that's the basis for our relationship. I don't blindly trust him like I did before though. I am well aware he could do it again, but then, so could any partner. I'm happy now, but I am changed. I will never trust anyone completely again. I am a stronger person for that. Blind trust makes you weak and vulnerable. A healthy dose of cynicism never harmed anyone.

bluebirdwsm · 22/11/2013 22:29

Yes, it is hard to trust again. I did, and have learned that I shouldn't have, each time.

I will never trust anyone again, or be fully committed as I have been before. I won't be put in a position where I get hurt again for the sake of my health.

I have no idea why people are so cruel. But now on my own, for good. That's fine by me. I now know where I stand, I have peace and am enjoying it.

redundantandbitter · 22/11/2013 23:27

mof4 that's so unbelievably sad. So sorry. How are you know, in the grand scheme of things?

OP, I'm with bluebird on this one. Nope, never again. He F'd me over twice. That's it . Shop closed.

whostolethesocks · 23/11/2013 08:29

"where there is no trust there is no relationship" - this is what my new partner says. I am scarred and won't ever trust completely I don't think. I think Rollacola has said how I feel.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 23/11/2013 08:43

who you have a lovely new partner. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be (I'm staying single , thank you) but he is with you now, let him in a little. Enjoy it, otherwise what's the point? Small steps. Good luck

RollerCola · 23/11/2013 08:47

In a way it makes me angry, because my exh has caused a whole part of my personality to change. I'm an easy-going fairly laid back person by nature. I trust everyone by default because I see the good in everyone - there's no reason to not trust them because why would ANYONE treat someone else so badly.

But he's changed that Hmm He cheated on the one person he was meant to love and protect. I can never ever forgive him and he's made me start to question other people as well. I'm fairly sure I'll never trust another man ever again which is awful. It should be like that Hmm

SandyDilbert · 23/11/2013 08:48

I will never trust again - resolutely single after ex cheated also so spectacularly. Will never get over a betrayal of such epic proportions.

RollerCola · 23/11/2013 09:40

It shouldn't be like that

worsestershiresauce · 23/11/2013 09:52

What we all need to think about is the fact that we are survivors, we've lived through betrayals, we've come out the other side stronger and we're awesome! Seriously. Yes we are changed, yes we protect ourselves and put barriers up, but no that doesn't have to be seen as a sad thing, or even a bad thing.

The younger me was impossibly naive. I believed in 'The One', happily ever after, the impossible dream. When things didn't go well I let that get me down. I didn't know how to deal with marriage difficulties so I stuck my head in the sand.

The older wiser me is tough, independent and takes no shit. I prefer me now. I'm not naive, I have a healthy dose of suspicion, I am able to stand up to the DH, challenge him, debate with him, consider myself equal to him if not better than him. I will never be a doormat again.

I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Being too trusting is not necessarily a good thing. Be happy in yourselves, you're not damaged, you're just street wise.

bluebirdwsm · 23/11/2013 10:42

It's a miracle some of us do survive though isn't it, so close do most get to wanting the agony and heartbreak to stop. It's scary, it's isolating, it's full of despair and hope is taken away.....temporarily! That's the point. We are forced to find strengths we didn't know we had, find resources hitherto untapped.

And yes we do. We do get through it, the survival instinct kicks in and why should a devious lowlife take our wellbeing/health/sanity from us, when all we've done is love them, give them children, kept lovely homes etc. - and thought we were doing ok.

If life is all about learning and experiencing all things, then I've learnt my lessons thank you, and yes it has made me stronger, less naïve, and with healthy suspicion. I've also learnt with amazement, what cruelty some partners knowingly inflict on their loved ones/children - year on year sometimes. It takes my breath away. I don't like revenge, hatred, nastiness, mental or physical cruelty, verbal abuse.....whether to animal, child or adult.

I've learnt to stay single, I want no more pain. I'm older, I've survived, I've learnt from a very painful series of events...... just feel so sad for ones that have gone under in some way and can't get back.

'Trust' - it's a very fragile, easily damaged, elusive and precious thing - don't give it away that quickly, you may never get it back again.

redundantandbitter · 23/11/2013 10:53

Hear hear (here here?) Been the OW and Jesus I regret it . What was I thinking. Stupid stupid cow. That's me done with relationships. Someone posted'love shouldn't be painful'. V true. Naiive, blind, trusting. Doh he saw me
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