Resentful and inpatient with DH

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This is an ongoing niggle not a full scale LTB situation, but I'd like some advice on how to approach this to avoid the bad feeling eating away at our relationship- which is basically good.

Since returning from maternity leave- I have been working full time, with a total of 4 hours commuting per day. DH has a part time job, working from home two days per week.

DS (14 months) goes to a childminder for those two days. The remaining three week days, DH has him at home.

DH has not been finding this easy-to the point where he developed shingles recently due to stress. Part of the problem is that DH is very active in local politics and struggles to find time for this alongside looking after DS. I think he feels a bit miserable- has lost sight of his pre children identity and is generally not having the best time of it.

My problem is I struggle to be sympathetic. In fact i am critical. I know that if you hand over a task to someone you should leave them to do it their way but I just want to shout "Your doing it Wrong!"

For example- DH and DS will spend all day in the house sometimes and DH will complain about the about of times he's had to tell DS off for eg: climbing on the furniture, tormenting the fish etc.
And I'll explain "Well the thing to do is get him out of the house to a park of a playgroup or something and then he can run about safely and you won't have anything to tell him off for and then he'll probably be tired and go to sleep" and he'll just say "no, that's not what I do" which is fair enough but frustrating because he seems to be making such heavy work of it.

My other big bug bear is housework. DH's position is that he doesn't have to do this. His job is to look after DS. The state of the house has been deteriorating gradually since I went back to work. I have just left my job for a better one and I have a couple of days free in between. DS was at the childminders yesterday so i used that time to tackle some of the stuff that doesn't usually get done. I cleaned the fridge, the food cupboard and the oven and frankly it was horrific.

I then spent the rest of the day in a horrible strop at DH. I know I am being unreasonable- if I could only do it because i had a day off and DS was at the childminders then when did i expect DH to do it? But I blame him for letting it get into that state.

My new job is part time so hopefully that will relieve some pressure on us and things will improve but right now I am in this weird position of knowing DH is struggling (he must be to have got shingles) but simultaneously resenting him for not doing enough. What to do?

Housework isn't his job? Whose job does he think it is? Surely it is half his job?

At the moment its no-ones job
Its not quite a health hazard, but its not pleasant either.

To be fair- he will cook, tidy the living room, hoover and put a wash load on. When I write it down it actually doesn't look too bad considering he;s got a toddler on his hands as well.

Between the two of us- we are not keeping the place in a decent state though.

I know what you mean, been tgere. It's easy to fall into stating home all day with children but will send you round tge bend.
Have you thought about how things will work when your pt?

I tried doing things when dh was tgere so he could see how easy it was /give him confidence.

Or how about a cleaner

Cleaner? neither of us are good at cleaning so we have a cleaner.

Can you take over when you get in from work so that your DH can go out (gym/politics meeting)? Might help your DH to know that he has this time to look forward to at the end of a day? DH goes to the gym.

And I make suggestions for things that DH could do in the days, but he usually ignores them, but has ended up with some stuff that he likes doing so give it time.

I don't know really. DH is at home more than me. It annoys me that he doesn't sort the house but well, it's not something I'm trying to change.

If he hates being a SAHP then surely the answer is a fulltime job again and the CM takes over? Childcare isn't for everyone - and a stressed, resentful carer isn't ideal, either. Doesn't sound like this is working for anyone, really.

Well if he goes out every day as you are demanding, he will have even less time for the housework you think is his job.

Why didn't you clean the cooker before it got disgusting?

When I'm looking after my children alone during the day I don't take on big jobs like that.

And if DH demanded that I did I'd tell him to go fuck himself.

But luckily it has never occurred to either of us that he is my boss.

I've not really considered a cleaner. In a way I would be a bit embarrassed for a cleaner to see my mess. Daft I know!

DH could increase his hours at work but it doesn't make sense given the cost of childcare. Also, he doesn't enjoy his work any more than he enjoys childcare. This does add to my frustration tbh as I tend to think "well fuck it- you have to do do one or the other!"

His problem is that he gets his greatest satisfaction from his political work- which he does on a voluntary basis and necessarily has less time for now. Whereas I enjoy both my paid work and my son so I can't really relate to his unhappiness.

LovesBeingHereAgain That's an interesting question about how it will work when I'm part time. The plan is for me to take DS out for the day for some regular mummy-son time (very excited and happy about this!) and for DH to do his politics.

I can see two possible ways this could end:

1. House work still not done- I return to my customary horrible resentment.

1. Everyone has slightly more time doing what makes them happy, general emotional temperature drops and as a result we either both feel more on top of things and find time for housework, or I stop caring about it, or a combination of both.

Time will tell.

p.s: DH's activism is something I do want to continue to support. Its one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Last week, in the residents association, he managed to negotiate lower energy tariffs for the poorest families on our estate. So its genuinely useful and important stuff. Plus, he needs something for himself in a way that i don't so much- as I am able to get a lot of my sense of satisfaction and self worth from my job.

JoinYourPlayFellows I know, I know. All this has occurred to me too!
I do suspect I am being unfair and yet the resentment is still there niggling away.

Actually though- I do think going out is the answer because it causes DS to be calmer when he returns home, therefore less likelihood of getting into a battle of wills and everyone stressing out and more likelihood of sitting nicely in a highchair while Mummy or Daddy does the washing up.

When I have DS that's how I play it. Its counter intuitive but more housework gets done that way. Not to mention, less opportunities for making a mess!

I do realise how annoying and unhelpful it is for someone to make those kinds of suggestions when your struggling though, so i try to hold back. But then i get frustrated all over again and end up saying something!

The problem is, I am tired and not being very understanding

I do think small kids need to get out every day, tbh. I bloody hate it sometimes - am a real homebody myself - but I think a trip just to the park or the local shops or a library makes all the difference to how calm and happy a day we have.

Update:
My plan to go part time and spend an extra day at home has slightly failed as just been offered very lucrative and interesting consultancy work which will take up that day for at least 1 month of early 2014.
DH's started panicking when I told him this, as though the light at the end of his tunnel was being shut off. We have agreed to find childcare for these days to protect his mental well being.

That sounds a good idea. Honestly, not everyone is cut out for childcare and if he hates it that won't be great for your son, either. If the political work is constructive and you can afford it as a family, then it's not as though he spends his time on the X box, is it? And tiny kids are sometimes not someone's cup of tea when slightly older ones enchant them, too, so he may find he enjoys childcare more when your son's a little older.

Is he going to up his working hours?

Or are you going to pay for childcare so he can pursue his local politics hobby?

Is the politics thing ever likely to become more than just an unpaid ego thing? Is devoting time to it an investment in another line of work?

Because if not, I think he needs to use the time when there is paid-for childcare to work.

Not enjoying being home with the kids is fair enough.

But then you work full time and contribute to the family that way.

The idea of a parent being at home but refusing to look after their child is ridiculous.

If he's only working two days a week and you still have to pay out for childcare on the days he's not working because his "mental health" means he needs to sit around amusing himself rather than looking out for his kid, then he's starting to sound a lot like a cocklodger.

I feel for you both really. I'm a SAHM and generally I enjoy it but if there are days when for some reason we don't go out it can be torturous. You would like more time with your son but can't have it due to work.
You are clearly a considerate partner and I think the extra day of childcare is a good idea but equally your dh needs to try to improve his own situation rather than relying on you to do it. You need to sit down together and work out ways to do it, either by him finding a better job or figuring out a routine for his days with ds so the time doesn't drag so much. It's not really fair on your ds to be stuck in so much and really he's too young to be "told off" - toddlers just need space and activity and they're happ

Posted too soon.
...and they're happy. There's no point in your dh complaining and doing nothing about it.
WRT housework I think you'll have to let that go to a certain extent. Our fridge and oven are atrocious and are likely to stay that way for some time. He does the basics which is enough and hopefully as ds gets older he'll manage to do more.

Thanks for your replies:

JoinYourPlayFellows He is probably borderline cock lodging. He falls somewhere between not-as-much-effort-as-me and no-effort-at-all, which is a fairly wide margin of error.

I do think he needs the day off though. The thing is with me, I find both my job and my son very fulfilling, so I don't really feel the need for extra projects whereas for DH this is just not true.

He has been genuinely struggling as well- so I think some slack is needed to keep things on an even keel. Hopefully temporary.

Its interesting, I used to be very politically committed before kids as well. Out of all the activist couples I know- it always seems to be the same. The men stay active and the women drop out- probably making sacrifices to allow their partners to keep at it, just like me.

I think the men being less committed to the family is only part of it. The other side of the coin is that the left isn't terribly supportive or welcoming of women- so perhaps we find it less of a sacrifice to leave

Although I'm lucky in that I have been able to turn some of my passion into paid work- my job is in welfare rights and the additional work is designing training courses for a trade union. Both are things I would be happy to do for free in other circumstances. In fact, I wouldn't have either job if I hadn't previously put in many hours of voluntary work.

CallinDana You are right, he does need to sort his life out, because unless he finds some work he enjoys there will always be this tension between what he needs to do to make a living and contribute towards the household and what he needs to do to feel human/more like himself. I think that's where the stress is coming from.

I've told him, I don't know how many times, that he needs to find something he really likes doing and retrain in that. Then his working life would be a source of contentment and not a drag.

The trap I'm falling into in this relationship is "negative solidarity" i.e: when I feel life is hard, I turn to DH and say "Why don't you have it as hard as me, you bastard?!"

Whereas, it would be more productive to approach the problem in more positive terms "Here's what i need- How can we arrange for me to get it?"

Neither of you is happy with the current set up and a family re-evaluation is needed. I suspect you would not enjoy a life of housework or childcare either - you jumped at this recent career opportunity and from what you have written it looks like it was fait accompli for your DH. It is great you are encouraging your DH to follow his passion - maybe he could get paid work in his area of choice, if not, he could retrain in another area as you have suggested. With two healthy happy careers, you could afford good childcare and a cleaner.

Neither of you is happy with the current set up and a family re-evaluation is needed. I suspect you would not enjoy a life of housework or childcare either - you jumped at this recent career opportunity and from what you have written it looks like it was fait accompli for your DH. It is great you are encouraging your DH to follow his passion - maybe he could get paid work in his area of choice, if not, he could retrain in another area as you have suggested. With two healthy happy careers, you could afford good childcare and a cleaner.